Rehearsal dinner etiquette mess

In My Humble Opinion
1

Short version: who has the “right” to invite guests to a rehearsal dinner? It is only the bride and groom, or should the groom’s parents feel justified in extending invitations to anyone they want because they’re paying for the dinner?

My brother is getting married in October, and the rehearsal dinner has long been a bone of contention for my family. My parents have been angry about the size (it’s large), the cost (my brother and his fiancee are splitting the bill with my parents), the fact that most of the guests will be from the bride’s side, and that my brother picked the location without their input.

I’ve been listening to the arguing and whining about this forever, and the latest issue involves the invitation and subsequent disinvitation of my grandmother’s cousin, his daughter, his two grandsons and one granddaughter-in-law. We call him Uncle Ned, and we see a lot of him at holidays and family dinners, and everyone loves him. He’s 86, but still gets around well and was planning to come to the wedding.

Last year, we all visited Ned’s house shortly after my brother got engaged-this might actually have been before the wedding date was set-and his family had come in from California. Mom invited all of them to the wedding and the rehearsal dinner.

In the last month, my mom told my brother that Ned’s family was planning to attend the rehearsal dinner, and that they were calling and asking what they should wear. My brother replied that he didn’t know how they thought they were invited to it. My mom said that she had invited them way back-didn’t he remember?

Now, my mom has been inviting tons of people to the wedding that my brother might not remember, as he may not have been present when she told her coworker from 15 years ago “Come to the wedding!” There’s already been one row when my brother refused to invite my parents’ neighbors, who he barely knows. I can understand my brother’s confusion.

His fiancee refuses to budge on inviting them, claiming that she allows them to come, she’ll have to invite even more of her family to avoid hurt feelings. My dad proposed just showing up with the five extra people to the rehearsal dinner and letting them make room, which my mom promptly shot down on the grounds that no one wants the bride in tears the day before her wedding.

I’d thought that my mom was going to call Ned and break the news, but it turns out she’s expecting my brother to do it. I personally think Mom should, as it was her premature invitation that caused the mess.

2

I’ve always understood a rehearsal dinner to include only those people who are actually in the wedding (bridesmaids, groomsmen, priest, flowergirls, etc.), plus parents and grandparents. There’s going to be a huge reception within a day or two, why turn the rehearsal into one? Is this common–with all and sundry invited along?

3

Never having actually been to a reheasal dinner, I could be wrong, but isn’t it just wedding party and immediate family?
Although your mother inviting random people (ie, the coworker from 15 years ago) seems way over the top. Who’s footing the wedding/reception (as opposed to the rehearsal dinner) bill?

Oh, and on preview, I see that Belladonna beat me to it. Oh well.

4

Where I live, it is traditional for only the wedding party to attend the rehearsal dinner. However, I have heard that all out-of-town guests should also be included. Has anyone else heard of this?

5

I haven’t heard of that as a rule, but it seems to have been a practice for other rehearsal dinners that I’ve known of.

The bride’s family is paying for the wedding. A lot of different family members are contributing, rather than her father paying for everything.

6

When my brother got married, persons from out of town who were invited to the wedding because of their relationship to the groom were invited to the Rehearsal dinner. After all, they were likely to need to arrive in town the day before the wedding (wedding at 1pm? I don’t remember), and the groom’s parents were footing the bill so they could invite whomever they wanted to. This only totaled about 30-40 people.

I’ve also been to a rehearsal dinner where the only persons not having active roles in the wedding who came to the dinner were wives of groomsmen. (No, the bridesmaids did not have significant others who attended the wedding). This was a much smaller and generally less festive rehearsal dinner- although the fault for that was more in choice of places to have it than in who got invited–and really poor seating arrangments(No, one does not need to put the bridesmaids at one table and the groomsmen at another and stick the bride and groom at a table all by themselves).

It seems to me that a position somewhere between “Let’s invite everyone and their neighbor” and “only the members of the wedding party get invited” as well as somewhere between “It’s our wedding we’ll invite who we want” and “We’re paying we get to invite who we want” makes sense. Exactly where depends on the particular family and their situation(financial, geographical and otherwise).

7

I’ve heard of that, and I suppose it gives the out-of-towners something to do the night before.

if you’re having that many people to the rehersal dinner, why bother with a reception???

The bride and groom should have the last word on guests, regardless of who’s paying. It’s their wedding. These are their first big decisions as a couple, and their wishes should be honored, regardless.

8

I’ve heard it. I don’t understand it, but my entire family was at the rehearsal dinner for my brother’s wedding, because they’d all schlepped from New Jersey to western PA. Apparently, somebody thinks that an 8 hour drive earns an expensive dinner. I had to be there because I was a bridesmaid, but one would think the bride and groom, eight attendants apiece, and the parents and grandparents would be enough. Nuh-uh, there must have been sixty people there.

And I definitely think that whoever invited Uncle Ned should be the one to disinvite him. It’s not your brother’s fault that your mother (in probably understandable excitement) invited half the western world, and he’s got enough to worry about. I heartily applaud your mom’s sensitivity about the bride’s possible emotional state, though. I’ve dealt with a lot of weddings this past year, and I have come to one, and only one, conclusion–what the bride says goes. The groom has a say, yes, but most of the grooms I’ve seen have been content to sit back and wait until it’s time to eat cake. :slight_smile:

9

Yeah, I don’t really get it either. At my rehearsal dinner, it was the bridal party, their significant others if they had one, our soloist and flute player, my parents, my husband’s parents (my FIL was one of the pastors), and the other pastor and his wife. That was definitely plenty! I see no need to invite people who otherwise do not need to be at the rehearsal.

10

If everyone from out-of-town were invited to the rehearsal dinner, it would be close to the size of the wedding. My brother lives in Fort Worth, and the rest of our friends and family are scattered throughout Texas and the rest of the country.

The reception is going to be huge as well. My brother and his fiancee are essentially have a four-hour cocktail party.

11

Yes, and this is the plan for our upcoming (as in next summer) Rehearsal Dinner. Keep in mind that for us, most people are quite local, and there may be half a dozen truly out-of-town guests, a few already in the wedding party. The logic is that these people have put up their money and their time to fly (train/drive/whatever) a significant distance from their homes and stay in a hotel for at least one or two nights, they don’t know the area or the people or the local restaurant scene, their hotel room probably doesn’t have a full kitchen, and it’s an extra little “thanks for coming from far away for us.”

As I understand it, the rehearsal dinner is a little something to say “thank you” for going through the rehearsal, pretty much meaning being in the wedding party. It’s a nice time for any wedding-party gifts the couple wishes to give, and just generally should be a nice little social breather after the craziness of the rehearsal and before the total maelstrom of the wedding day itself. It seems like it’s become as much of an overproduced nightmare as the rest of a modern wedding ceremony, but I’d definitely like to see it low-key. If you’re not part of the rehearsal (and perhaps the out-of-towner addendum), you shouldn’t be at the rehearsal dinner.

What I don’t understand is the insistence that the rehearsal dinner be a big, expensive production, number-of-seats be damned. (Of course, this is why I have virtually no hand in any of the wedding planning. I have trouble seeing the necessity for lavish opulence at any step in the festivities) We have told my mother (who is allowed to plan the rehearsal dinner however she wants) that she can go as elaborate as an expensive restaurant with a recognized-name chef and snooty waiters, or as simple as a backyard barbecue. Generally, one shouldn’t make the rehearsal dinner MORE elaborate than the ceremony, but it is perfectly reasonable to make it LESS elaborate.

12

As to the custom of who gets invited to the rehersal dinner, I see it as a massive “it depends.” I’ve been to them ranging from simply the members of the wedding party to everybody that was invited to the wedding.

At its core, the rehersal dinner is a dinner for those who were at the wedding rehersal, i.e. the wedding party. This is often expanded to encompass friends and relatives who are not actually part of the wedding party but are nearly as close to the bride and groom as those who are (or somewhat as close, or marginally as close or whatever). It is often further expanded to encompass out-of-town guests who, having travelled to the wedding, might not have anything to do the night before the wedding.

At its broadest, the party the night before will include everyone invited to the wedding. This most often occurs at a “destanation wedding”, where most everyone travels to the event. My experience with these is that they are an informal barbecue or buffet, rather than a more formal dinner.

In any event, the scope of who will be invited to the rehersal dinner should be agreed upon by all of the participants.

13

My cousins keep getting married, and none of us are really close enough to be in the wedding parties. For any given wedding, at least half the family traveled a good few hundred miles to be there. My brother’s wedding was the only time when I’d seen any of these people invited to the rehearsal dinner. Our usual substitute–family get-together in the hotel bar. More fun than the rehearsal dinner, certainly, and usually more fun than the wedding itself. This is why hotels have bars. :slight_smile:

14

Yep.

Ideally, I think there should be some understanding between the bride and groom and the people paying for the dinner.

When I got married last year, my inlaws threw the rehearsal dinner. They invited their entire family, all of whom were from out of town; my immediate family and closer relations, including aunts and uncles; and the wedding party. They did not invite – and I did not expect them to invite – all of our friends from out of town. Since they were paying, they determined who came. Had they not wanted to invite my aunts and uncles, I would have been fine with that. I thought it was very nice to include them, though.

15

I vote for wedding party and immediate families.

16

For our wedding, we had the wedding party and their families. My sister-in-law did it the exact same way as we did. I don’t see any reason to invite anyone else, since there will be a reception after the wedding that everyone can enjoy.

17
  1. This is the bride and groom’s wedding, not your mom’s.
  2. The bride and groom decide on the guest list for all events, not your mom.
  3. The bride and groom need to make up the guest list and make sure your mom gets a copy.
  4. Your mom can dis-invite anybody she has invited who does not make the bride and groom’s list.
  5. Your brother is absolutely doing the right thing by backing up his fiancee’s decisions.

Look at this from your brother’s fiancee’s perspective - it’s supposed to be her wedding, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom’s meddling is causing friction between her and your brother at this point.

18

It probably has caused some friction. My parents have offered to pay extra for the additional guests, but it didn’t make my brother’s fiancee change her mind.

I really hate the position this has put my brother in. Ideally, his fiancee would change her mind, and allow the extra guests. She could, rightfully, pin the whole thing on my mom if any of her family complained, and she might as well get used to telling people “My mother-in-law’s nuts sometimes.”

19

Here’s a different twist I never heard of before. My brother and fiancee and getting married in the Fall, and are having a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, but they are not actually going to have a rehearsal! Has anyone heard of that before?

I am in the wedding party, and I (mock) protested “How will I know where to stand?” at the wedding w/o the rehearsal, but that was never answered. Now, the wedding is at a municipal golf club, rather than a church or la-de-dah country club, so it won’t be overly formal, but still. Don’t you at least have to figure out the order in which the attendants (4-5 per side) are walking down the aisle? Heck, we practiced for eighth-grade graduation back in the day.

Should be interesting.

20

Why should your brother’s fiancee change her mind? It’s her wedding, not your mom’s.