Rejected by eHarmony?

I got rejected as undatable by eHarmony a few years ago. I don’t know why, maybe because I was in my mid 30s and had never dated, or maybe my self-esteem issues, but regardless I was rather upset.

I guess they reject a number of applicants, to the point one of their competitors called them on it in a series of commericals, but it still kind of took me aback since most places are happy to take your money. Anyone here tried to sign up and get rejected, and how did you deal with it? I did talk to my therapist about it, and she was rather surprised since she didn’t hear of it happening to any of her other clients.

I was under the impression eHarmony would reject some people because they didn’t match up enough with certain religious beliefs. I had thought it’s happened to a number of Dopers who may be along shortly to tell us the tale.


Yep, here’s a pair of threads along this same subject.

I don’t think it has anything to do with religion. It didn’t seem to care that I was atheist when I used it a few years ago.

eHarmony’s questions are designed to figure out if you want to dominate or be dominated. If you want neither, they don’t know what to do with you.

Based on how relations usually work, their model isn’t that wrong.

The first time I went through it while I was ‘currently separated’ it rejected me after I filled out 3 hours worth of questions. The second time I filled it out (different email address) when I was divorced it didn’t reject me. FTR, I filled it out as an atheist. I don’t remember all the religious questions, but if it makes a difference, I’m not one of those “all religious are stupid and you’re an idiot for believing in them” in the Atheists. More of a ‘live and let live’/don’t try convert me and I don’t bother you type people.

So, I would (again, I don’t remember the questions) have said No to Do you go to church? But I wouldn’t have said ‘no’ to something like “Would you be okay with your SO going to church?”

Anyways, if you want an opinion, I didn’t like EH. Match is much better and OKC is free.
ETA, The reason I was rejected was because they only accept people that are single, not ‘separated’. Also, I figured they made me fill the three hours worth of questions instead of telling me right away so that I wouldn’t just start over with a new email address right and a different status. I think the idea is that you go ‘the heck with it, I’m not doing that again’.

For the record, I’m more religious as an intellectual thing than as a practical matter, but I did put down that I was a straight christian. And SenorBeef, that does kind of describe me.

How do you know that?

I filled out the questions a few years ago (and strangely enough I was accepted, even though I’m terrible at relationships) but I don’t remember the questions all that much.

My brother’s best friend was rejected because they said that they didn’t feel there were enough women members that had similar interests to make it worth his while - basically he was too eccentric for e-harmony.

FWIW, he’s VERY eccentric. Nice guy but very unique outlook.

I was curious as to what their matchmaking methodology was, so as it asked me each question I tried to figure out what exactly they were trying to figure out, and weaved it into a bigger picture. So this is just my own guess/analysis. I don’t remember specifics but it seemed pretty clear, a whole lot of the questions were obliquely asking whether you wanted to be dominant or dominated.

Confused. :confused: Are you (A) saying eHarmony is a hive for dominatrixes and guys in gimp masks, that (B) they assume, in a more typical relationship, that one of the two parties will be the one making all the decisions in said relationship, or that © you yourself subscribe to the worldview in (B). (A) would be ridiculous for a company with such a high profile; we’ve moved sufficiently out of the Dark Ages in this the year 2012 AD that many couples practice egalitarianism in relationships (eliminating (B)); which leaves ©, but I know you are more progressive than that.

Or (D), I just got whooshed. :smack:

Posts crossed, I think I gotcha now. In any event I believe in narrowcasting on sites devoted to specific interests if you are interested in Internet dating-I’m sufficiently “eccentric” that I know they would certainly shoot me down if I was so inclined.

Same with me. Pissed me right off. Tell me up front dammit.

If it had told me upfront, I would have just lied and chosen divorced since (at the time) my divorce would have been finalized fairly soon after. I think, like I said, that’s why they don’t tell you, figuring you won’t want to do the survey again just to adjust the one question.

They will, however, let you activate when your divorce is final if send in the divorce paperwork, but I just redid the survey at that point. I mean, it took a lot less time then messing around with mailing stuff in and probably calling them to get it straightened out.

Either way, like I said, I didn’t really care for it anyways. Besides, I don’t know what it’s like if you’re specifically looking for someone Christian/Catholic, but there’s plenty of us heathens in there polluting the water. :smiley: I assume it can be set up to ONLY match you with others of your faith. I’m also assuming that it probably draws people more serious about their faith then, say, Match and and OKC. But, man, I hated the way it was set up.

But then they wouldn’t have had all that nice, fresh, juicy information to use for nefarious marketing purposes. This way they get the information before they show you the door.

I went through all the questions years ago and was accepted. And then noticed that all of my matches had one particular trait that was a dealbreaker for me - absolutely would not date them on that basis.

So much for EHarmony.

Been rejected twice…can’t remember the exact wording, but something along the lines that they had no suitable matches for me. I remember at the time thinking that many of the questions seemed skewed towards being a more submissive-type woman than they apparently thought I was.

How did I deal with it?
Went on instead.
Found my ex-boyfrined on there and reconnected.
It ended badly but had some stellar moments before he revealed himself as a jerk.

They do.

It’s in the second paragraph regarding eligibility to use their service.

  1. Eligibility.

Minimum Age. You must be at least 18 years old to use the Site or to register for the Services. By using the Singles Service, you represent and warrant that you are at least 18 years old. Other Services may have other age requirements for all or portion of such Services, and such other age requirements are stated on such Services or portions thereof.
Marital Status. By requesting to use, registering to use, or using the Singles Service, you represent and warrant that you are not married. **If you are separated, but not yet legally divorced, you may not request to use, register to use, or use the Singles Service.

I’m pretty sure they do look at potential local matches. Are you rural? It’s a pain to re-fill that form, but I suspect a lot of people who get bounced would get accepted if they were in a major metro area. I have no interest in testing this.

since you pay to use it, isn’t them being honest and saying you have no change a good thing, rather than just taking your money?

I get what you’re saying, OTOH, the majority of my matches when I was on there were inactive (or had a blank profile). If they wanted to be honest, they could stop matching people up with users that hadn’t signed on after a set amount of time (let’s say a month).
The problem with EH is that you can only initiate communications with matches they’ve set you up with, so if they give you three matches today, 1 lives 45 miles away (or just doesn’t interest you), one has a blank profile and one is perfect but isn’t active, you’re SOL until they decide to give you more matches.

If you live as I do in an area with lots of matches, you don’t need or want to be fixed with people from a wide geographic range. Hell, I want to decide if someone lives too many subway stops away from me to date. But they kept fixing me up with women from El Paso TX (and I actually long-distance dated one of them, until I came to my senses)–pretty much a total waste of time. I like much more control over whom I date than E-H allows.