I can’t offer any good advice, but as a recovering bad guy, I bet I can give some insight into what he has been thinking. Maybe that will help.
It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and start talking about things, like future plans, when a little time and a little distance will have you regretting it. Think of it like drinking. It’s a lot like that. You indulge a bit, have some fun, and say some things that you really felt at the time… only to later suffer the hangover. Call it an intimacy hang over. I’ve had it. It aches like you expect it would, and the easiest cure is not to think about it and keep your distance.
So why put the effort into trying to make contact again? Well, they say time heals all wounds. That is probably bullshit… but for the relationship bad guy, time will also you have remembering only what you liked about a person, and you can grow nostalgic. To give another booze metaphor, it’s like drunk dialing without the drink. Once you make contact, you know that some apologies and some assurances are in order, but distance is going to make that intimacy hangover kick back in again with a vengeance.
As if this wasn’t all bad enough, he’s done something else. It’s pretty clear that as much as any nostalgia for past good times, the impetus for one or more of his visits was simple convenience. He had a friend that was heading that way. Not a sin in and of itself, but lying about it is a dead give-away. If it had been convenient to play this game with someone else, he’d have visited someone else.
Maybe he’ll mature one day and regret all this, but not soon enough for you. Keep your distance. Whoops. I just gave advice. Ignore that part, but I’m pretty sure about the rest.
Don’t leave us hanging here, Lionne, did you pull the trigger on the relationship last night or what? I hope you did, as Dan Savage says, DTMF. He sounds immature, or at least not at your level of desire for commitment. There are great men that are suited to you out there, please don’t think he’ll change into one because you want him to.
Hope you let him go. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy to me, he just doesn’t want to commit right now. In a few years, he’ll hopefully learn that it’s just easier to just say “I can’t commit right now, baby” rather than deal with women who are perpetually pissed off because you talked alot of Smoove B shit to them and didn’t call.
I’m going to also chime in as the devil’s advocate here, because I know I’ve played this guy’s role in a couple relationships accidentally.
My thought is similar to Leaffan’s and (especially) Waverly’s. I was involved with a girl who, at first, was taking it way more seriously than I was. She was a great girl, but I wasn’t ready for the level of commitment she wanted out of me. She wanted to hang out all weekend, every weekend, and most every night of the week. I tried to keep my distance, and tried my best to not just tell her, flat out, that I was feeling a little smothered. I sometimes lied about my plans on certain nights so that I could have some time to myself and I also made dumb excuses to avoid seeing her. Not because I didn’t like her, or that we didn’t have fun together… just that for me, it was a little too much too soon.
Like Waverly, I’d get wrapped up when I DID see her, but in the days following I started realizing I hadn’t seen my buddies in a few days, or I hadn’t gone out to see my nephews, or I didn’t get as much exercising done as I would have liked. Sure, I could have told her that, but I thought it would hurt her. So I’d make stuff up to keep her at arm’s length and see her when it was convenient for ME. Selfish, sure, but not malicious.
Anyway, it sounds to me that this is what this dude is doing. On paper, he wants to be with you. In reality it’s a little more complicated. If you like the guy, give him some space and some time to come to his senses. I don’t believe his committed a dumpable offense just yet, but only you can make that decision.
You’ll be pleased to know that I did break it off with him last night. I told him it wasn’t working out for me, that I would be fine with a weekend here and there if I felt like a vital part of his life, but I didn’t. I gave him his second chance and it wasn’t enough for me, he didn’t inspire the trust that I needed. More of the same…and he said my not trusting him hurt his feelings, but he understands why I feel that way. He can’t argue with me because I’m right.
It was very polite and tame. I told him not to call, text…no contact. He said OK, and thanked me for the memories.
Then I went to the gym and worked my ass off for an hour. I feel fine today; I know I made the right decision. It’s not fun, but it’s the best thing for me.
Thank you, everyone, for your advice, experiences and waking me up. I needed this to take the final step.
wasson, I didn’t see you.
I guess it’s just the difference between he and I. If he was feeling smothered, all he has to do is tell me and we’ll find something that works for us both. But his repeated attempts to be with me, and his insistence on proving himself…if they weren’t what he wanted, why do them and pretend? I don’t want someone who does what I want him to do just to appease me. I know relationships are a compromise and we won’t always be on the same page.
/pats Lionne on the back/ The right thing isn’t always the easiest thing; you did the right thing and should be proud of yourself for taking the classy route all the way.
Lionne, generally speaking, guys are not on the same level as women are when it comes to expressing their actual feelings. Men have difficulty in explaining their feelings of why they need space (at times) WITHOUT coming off like selfish bastards, which means that maybe it’s easier to be silent or less available to talk about his feelings towards the relationship. The problem is that guys are hardwired to go out and dwell on/solve an issue/problem uninterrupted, therefore they look for some time alone…usually at work, with friends or even tinkering in the garage or yard. I think he’s just as confused about the signals (you ignoring him = him pursuing you all the more) that you sent as well over the months, and vice-versa (you perceived that you being avoided = he’s not interested in you). I believe he does have interest in you, but doesn’t want to be consumed by the relationship…just yet. That’s why a lot of guys are non-committal for a longer period of time than women are. He can’t explain that to you without you feeling hurt/dejected (he doesn’t know how to), so he feels pressured (from you and/or himself) to try to accommodate your needs of him being more available to you. It only can go on for so long, before he sees himself needing some time and space to himself and he tries to do that by giving you some “reasons” why he couldn’t be with you, thinking that was the path of least resistance. You saw right through that, and you decided to break it off because you felt that he didn’t care about furthering the relationship.
You’ll get a better answer from him if you actually ask him questions that are to the point. He’s at a loss to say what he’s actually feeling, and instead says something he thinks you want to hear, which is what leads to your second get together and break-up; and that was probably made under false assumptions by both parties. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you or him…but the communication of deep feelings that he and you probably didn’t take place, which in turn, resulted in the double shot of the start and end of the relationship.
I do support your breakup though, this would probably be too tough to mend for a third go-around.
You young ones are all jump to conclusions and leave at a pindrop. Maturity will tell you to work in time, make a fine vintage. You think your Grandparents married for 50 years were such pussies and of such low tolerence? Work. it. out. Stop being the disposable generation.
Well, I certainly don’t want the relationship that my grandparents had, or my great-grandparents. From what I saw, it was hell.
YMMV, but it’s not my idea of a healthy relationship when one person feels…disposable, like I do.
Yeticus Rex, I *want * to talk to him, I *want * to work it out, I want to *fight * for it…but I realize it’s just going to hurt me in the end. He doesn’t want me enough to fight, that is clear as day. I can sit here and think that all we need is to stick it out and communicate, but if I am the only one willing to do that…that’s not a relationship.
Thanks. As for the horse…there was a cute guy flirting with me at the gym yesterday. Just what I needed…some light-hearted bantering to lift me up and reinforce my worth.
Well then this thread is kinda pointless, and well… academic. Obviously, you’ve made your decision. What do you want people to do? Confirm your prejudices and congratulate you for cutting Love short? Congratulate you for giving up?
What’s certain in life? Is your Love certain? Is his Love certain?
Certainly, to ascertain certainty in life is an uncertainty.
Yeah, a guy who will avoid her and any contact with her for a full month is really a good love match. :rolleyes: And now he’s essentially telling her “I’m getting a job anywhere but here with you.”
Holy crap, I cannot imagine worse advice than this. The beginning of a relationship is not a point at which a man or a woman should tolerate inattentiveness, lies, or generally poor and immature behaviour from a potential partner. Now, I’m not saying that you should tolerate abominable behaviour after 50 years, but there’s a reason it’s called “courting”. This is the time when you put your best foot forward, not your most ambivalent. If we’re going back to the Grandparents generation and all, I’d say this is the point at which Lionne’s guy should have been traditionally courting-as in paying attention and expressing interest to make a commitment.
See, there are things called RED FLAGS and the people who ignore them are called FUCKING IDIOTS WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM HEADING FOR A WORLD OF TRAINWRECK. And if Lionne had posted a whiny little note about why this guy doesn’t liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike her, Dopers would have been all over her ass bloody eager to tell her how much he was just NOT into her and how she’s clingy and psycho. But the poor girl has dignity and behaves with class and now she’s a pussy who gives up too easily?
Honestly, if people would just man up and take a page from Lionne’s book on how to handle commitmentphobes and general fuckwittery the Dope relationship threads would not be as cringeworthy, as aptly noted by Sue Duhymn.
From what I’ve understood from her POV, which is biased and casts her in the best subjective light. It appears as if this guy is trying to make things work but is in flux. Circumstance plays a large part in this.
