Relationship advice (long)

In My Humble Opinion
41

I agree with wasson and the others- he very well could have really liked the OP and had good intentions, but the intensity of the situation (all weekend?!) scared him and he didn’t know how to handle it maturely. Which is a perfectly normal reaction for a guy his age (I’m assuming he’s fairly young). But there are just too many other difficulties in the relationship which would prevent them being able to work it out. The distance, the possibility of him moving, the fact that he is someone who dates someone for several weeks then disappears without a word… the issues here are insurmountable.

And also, rethink the “entire weekend” method of dating- it just introduces huge pressure and premature intimacy on a fragile bud of a new relationship. Go to dinner, watch a movie, or whatever, then go home or make him go home. People need alone time, especially when first getting to know someone.

42

[QUOTE=devilsknew]
You young ones are all jump to conclusions and leave at a pindrop. Maturity will tell you to work in time, make a fine vintage. You think your Grandparents married for 50 years were such pussies and of such low tolerence? Work. it. out. Stop being the disposable generation.
[/QUOTE]

My Grandma left my Grandad for a married man and skipped the country with him, and her children. Without telling my Grandad where she was going. She’s not exactly my role model for relationships.

I stand by my statement.

43

Now Girls, you know you can’t settle down until you settle! :rolleyes: :smack:

*wags finger *

44

[QUOTE=wasson]
Like Waverly, I’d get wrapped up when I DID see her, but in the days following I started realizing I hadn’t seen my buddies in a few days, or I hadn’t gone out to see my nephews, or I didn’t get as much exercising done as I would have liked.
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You give me more credit than I deserve! It was more like:

“Ugh! Did she really get me to talk about my favorite wedding songs last night? Jesus Fuck. I’m not calling today. I don’t even want to think about it.”

“I haven’t called in week… Wedding songs?! Jesus Fuck. Not thinking about it.”

“You know, I haven’t talked to her in a month… I wonder if she’s mad. She was really hot and an all round cool chick. I miss her. I think I’ll call and tell her I’m sorry. No, wait, I’ll tell her my dog died. I got it: I’m sorry and my dog died! Genius.”

45

[QUOTE=devilsknew]
From what I’ve understood from her POV, which is biased and casts her in the best subjective light. It appears as if this guy is trying to make things work but is in flux. Circumstance plays a large part in this.
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Make it work by lying? Make it work by saying one thing and acting another? Make it work by not even bothering to fight?
There’s something you are missing here - he doesn’t like me. It became crystal clear when his ultimate response to my conversation with him the other night was, “Hey, can’t argue with that!” He damn well should have argued, should have kept trying. Since he didn’t, what else am I to believe but he just doesn’t want it enough?

I will not be one of those women who chase after a guy because she believes he will change/he really Loves her/he needs to be caught/whatever you think. I gave him a chance; he dropped the ball. It’s not my fault he can’t decide what he really wants.

46

[QUOTE=Alice The Goon]
And also, rethink the “entire weekend” method of dating- it just introduces huge pressure and premature intimacy on a fragile bud of a new relationship. Go to dinner, watch a movie, or whatever, then go home or make him go home. People need alone time, especially when first getting to know someone.
[/QUOTE]
Perhaps this had a lot to do with it. Again, he and I handle it differently. Up until his departure that morning, I had no idea he felt smothered, if that was truly the case. He gave no sign of it that I saw.

Good advice for any situation, though.

47

[QUOTE=Lionne]
Up until his departure that morning, I had no idea he felt smothered, if that was truly the case. He gave no sign of it that I saw.
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Alot of guys won’t say anything. We act like everything is wonderful even if we’re dying inside, it’s a non-communicative stoic thing. Good rule of thumb is take the amount of time you want to spend with him, cut it in half and see how that goes. It’s easier for a guy to say he wants more, but almost impossible to say he wants less. In that case you just sort of…disappear for a time, or blame work, or whatever.

48

Lionne, I’m in complete sympathy with you and I think your approach is the right one for your personality. I’m not down with this philosophizing and mooning about wondering “maybe maybe this is issue and if only I did this…” either and I’m sort of aghast that people are actually suggesting you deal with other human beings that way. And in all honesty, I simply look down on people who live their life that way because they’re generally disturbingly neurotic and spend all their time moaning about how people take advantage of them repeatedly over long periods of time.

Either a man or a woman likes you, or he/she doesn’t. And if they like you, yes, people make the effort. ESPECIALLY at the beginning, when it’s new and exciting. Maybe some of us simply don’t like the indecisive, foot-draggers with commitment issues who lie or hide said issues, and have better things to do with our time. And the self-esteem to realise that there are zillions of people out there, including those who are at the point in their lives when they’ll treat someone like an adult rather than forcing the other person to play guessing games.

This is my general rule for relationships: if you have to think about it constantly and you’re feeling like crap, chances are you need to throw that fish right back in the pond.

49

My opinion? (And let’s face it, it’s not just MY opinion, but the opinion of most of the responders in this thread. They want to beat around the bush, support you, spare your feelings, etc. Not me. I believe in open honesty)

The guy was using you for sex. He was after an easy throw. You took it seriously (witness your 1,000 word OP).

I won’t say you “scared him off”. He was leaving anyway.

It’s the sad, dark underside of our “sexually open” society. Men want casual sex, women generally don’t. The man wanders off whistling a happy tune, the woman is left agonizing over what went wrong.

50

[QUOTE=Zambini57]
They want to beat around the bush, support you, spare your feelings, etc. Not me. I believe in open honesty.
[/QUOTE]
There’s a false dichotomy here. You can be honest while still being somewhat subtle, and I didn’t get the impression that the OP was too stupid to grok.

51

[QUOTE=Lionne]

Yeticus Rex, I *want * to talk to him, I *want * to work it out, I want to *fight * for it…but I realize it’s just going to hurt me in the end. He doesn’t want me enough to fight, that is clear as day. I can sit here and think that all we need is to stick it out and communicate, but if I am the only one willing to do that…that’s not a relationship.
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Oh, I have no doubt that you wanted to talk to him and work it out, women are usually excellent and discussing issues that are emotional in nature, it’s just that men (generally) are not. This is one of the major differences between men and women and why some relationships fail…a disconnect when it comes to emotional intimacy. Women are hard-wired to crave it, men just don’t realize how important it is in the relationship, AND they have a hard time expressing it…without confusing it with sexual intimacy. After 21 years of marriage, I am still struggling with meeting my wife’s emotional needs, even when I have become quite aware of her need for it, AND I DO WANT to meet her need for emotional intimacy. I’ve been more successful as of late, though… :stuck_out_tongue:

Now, picture a guy in his twenties in a relationship…he probably has NO IDEA that a woman needs a certain level of emotional intimacy to feel secure in the relationship. Sure, he might give her flowers, take her out to dinner, a chick flick and that might meet a minimal amount of emotional intimacy, but for real emotional intimacy, it’s not the things that cost money, it’s the TIME spent and the quality of CONVERSATION that matters to truly meet her need of emotional intimacy. Problem is…most guys think that flowers, dinner and a movie should do the trick (pardon the pun), but it doesn’t. Women want the feelings and effort it takes for the meal, the flowers, the conversation the discussion of how he interprets the chick flick and discussing his feelings (over coffee or a nightcap) from watching it, what he felt was right or wrong between the two characters…and how some of those issues/solutions might apply to their own relationship. Just being cognitive of the emotional intimacy between the couple is a great step in the right direction for a man to take to secure emotional intimacy with his girlfriend/wife.

I wish I knew this half a lifetime ago, because I would have an even better and more loving relationship with my former girlfriend (now wife) than I do now, although it has been improving because I am paying more attention to it now than I ever have because I have been reading over the last couple of years, this one, this one, and this one. On the first book, there is a companion book for women understanding men which really should be bought together, so one does not feel that it’s all one-sided…it puts each book in perspective with the other. I could have been that person that you (Lionne) described in your OP, just 20 years earlier. You’ll find very few men at that age that “get it”, but as the years go by, more men will actually mature and understand, and even communicate in all honesty what they are actually feeling, so you know where they stand in their relationship with you.

Good luck on finding the man for you in the future…not being sarcastic here; I sincerely mean it.

52

Thanks, Yeticus. I’m sure it will happen, and I am fortunately in a position where I can see the bigger picture, where I can realize that.

So, regardless of whether he did it all for sex, or whether he just doesn’t know what he wants yet, it’s over. One of those things that you learn from, something to remember next time. Thanks, all!