Before I start, I want to mention that I’ve been lurking here for a few years now and know that you guys give some fantastic advice and will probably join despite the fee and the fact that I’m really cheap and broke.
Right now I’m a sophomore in college (which i hope is a good indicator of my maturity level) and I’ve just entered my first commited relationship with a girl. We’ve been going out for a couple of months now we’ve both said the “L” word and meant it, or at least i have. This is where the problem comes in. Sometimes I get extremely insecure about her devoution and commitment to me. At the initial stages of the relationship I would get jealous, unreasonably so admittedly, but since I’ve gotten a lot better since getting know and trust her more. But now after pursuing her then successfully getting her, I’ve unconsciously upped the ante i suppose.
Now I worry that she doesn’t love me as much and that she is not dedicating as much emotion into this relationship as i am. I’ve talked to her about it and it just usually puts us in a crappy mood and nothing else. What also bothers me is that she kind of admitted that she probably doesn’t love me as much since i “feel emotions more intensely” or something along that line. But this insecurity has manifested itself in other negative ways. If she says she’ll call and doesn’t, I almost get furious and sometimes I realize even while being angry that I shouldn’t be so angry about something that small. So if i do get in contact during one of those episodes, I can say hurtful things, which has made her cry in some cases and in a perverse way, comforted me as a sort of evidence of her dedication.
Also a lot of things can touch upon my insecurities, like if she talks about her future without including me (we’ve only been together 2 months). I know so many of these things are not reasonable, but i can’t help but feel that way. Then I begin to question my love for her, if it’s simply obsession/infatuation. And often I feel pathetic for feeling so much for her if/when she doesn’t feel the same. It feels like i’m on my knees sometimes. And it doesn’t help that she doesn’t seem to show that much effort in trying to ease my insecurities.
I’ve looked at symptoms for love addicts and emotionally abusive boyfriends and I have to say i do qualify to a certain extent. And I am seeking help and going to counselling but I don’t know how much more of my insecurities either of us can take. But I do love her, and I don’t want to ruin our relationship because i’m an insecure douchebag. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
For advice, always go with Mr. Spock
After a time you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting.
It is not logical, but it is often true.
You wanted a girlfriend, you went and got her, now is the hard part, sustaining a relationship.
I think you basically need to chill. Enjoy what you have, right now, because you may not have it next week. You may have it but if you don’t, you will live. You know ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than, oh I need a drink.’ Relax, and if you have such ‘abandoment issues’ that it keeps you from having a fullfiling life, then maybe see a consular.
You are being an insecure douchebag but that’s really not unusual given it’s your first committed relationship. You need to relax or you will screw this up. She is not going to hang around while you continue making her cry to feed your insecurities. (Unless she’s a twit) Is there anyone you can both talk with who isn’t involved-like a friend who can be fairly objective?
In a situation like this, keep this simple metaphor in mind. Love is like soap. The harder you squeeze it to try to hold on, the faster it slips out of your hands and goes sliding around the bottom of the shower. Then when you desperately fumble to grab the bar you step on it, fall on your ass, smash your shin on the faucet and have to go to the hospital to get 14 stitches and a tetanus shot.
So loosen up. Relax your death grip and stop smothering her. Go watch a movie or shoot some pool with friends every week. Have a life outside of the relationship. She’ll be able to breathe without you freaking out over something, and you’ll have more interesting things to talk with her about when you are together.
[sub] Other than being slippery, love really isnt much like soap. That is, love tastes better than soap, but it usually leaves you feeling a lot dirtier than you felt going in. [/sub]
Thanks for advice. The general consensus seems to be ‘stop suffocating her’. Which is good advice. I’ll try my best, since i do tend to get obsessive about these things (as you’ve probably noticed already).
I felt very similar in my last relationship (I ended up breaking up with the guy after 3.5 years). Now I’m in a different committed relationship, we’ve been together for 8 months, and I don’t feel that way anymore at all.
I agree with what has been said about not smothering her, and specifically what Warrior Slashclaw said about having a life outside the relationship. In my previous relationship, my boyfriend and I were always together–we ate all our meals together, we spent all our time on weekends together, and stuff like that. I grew to expect him to be at my side. Being together all the time became the norm, and when we weren’t together I was sad, angry, and jealous. In my current relationship, my boyfriend and I are 150 miles apart and we only get to see each other every few weeks. Now, being without my boyfriend is the norm, and when we’re together, I am very happy and content and all that other good stuff. This relationship has ended up being a million times less stressful, and I think this change is a large part of that. You just can’t be together all the time.
I know the last thing you want to hear is that those things that make you upset such as her not calling after she said she would, etc etc etc If in ur gut you feel it’s her not showing you the respect or consideration you deserve, then that is an issue.
I had a similar (but different) situation. I would also get upset about my feelings toward a friend who suddenly stopped replying to emails as she once did. She made excuses and so on and so on, but the fact remains thast I simply am not important enough for her to acknowledge the way she once did. It hurts like hell, and I cannot seem to be able to forget about her and wonder why I am such a fool in love with this girl. Love is strong, it’s more like a very intense wanting for her attention, but she’s gone. I thought there was always a special connectio between us, apparently I was wrong. It’s been up and down for 1.5 yrs with this friendship, but now it’s over. I have confirmed my worst fear, and that is that she just moved on and (I was never more then a friend to her anyway).
All the feelings in the back of my mind came true, or were always true, now I need to accept.
“Go with your gut”. Get the grieving started, that way you can get over it sooner and move on. Easier said than done, I know…
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