You often hear people saying that their significant other changed as the relationship progressed but what about SO’s who changed after the relationship was over. I heard from my ex about a year after we divorced and he was the same jerk he was when we were married. Same thing with my last boyfriend. He lied to me the whole time we were together and when I talked to him about a year later lied to me some more. I have a friend who is upset because her ex recently contacted her to tell her that he has a great job, new home and a new girlfriend. She wonders why she had to support him the entire time they dated and now he has it together. I told her it was highly doubtful but I wonder. Any dopers have significant others who changed after the relationship was over?
Well Watcher - from a psychological point of view, everyone changes after a relationship is over. Some change for the better - they get out of an aversive situation - some change for the worse - they can’t cope, they begin to drink, or continue to do so.
Personal perspectives will vary across the board. But when two people are in love, and they stay in love for different reasons, it almost invariably ends in discord. Sometimes when a partner tries to contact the SO after say a year of being broken up, the discord has naturally quelled and they often appear to be doing better, because they were doing so bad the last time you had contact with them. So it is a matter of perception. What you are describing with your own SO, and the lying going on even after a year - means his perceptions had not changed to any quantifiable degree - to you he was the same old ass.
Some couples believe that “if you love something, let it go, if it returns it was meant to be, if not it wasn’t”
Love is a tricky emotion, for some it is the long sought after cement gluing two people together in a loving bond…for others it is the stark, brittle mortar you see barely holding two bricks together - obviously we know which one lasts and which does not!
Thanks Phlosphr.
I guess I’m interested in the “once a cheater/liar always a cheater/liar” issue.
This type of thing also applies to people in general. I recently reconnected with some friends from college who were very selfish. I had hoped that they had changed but I came to find out the world still revolves around them.
As a general rule, people tend to behave consistently with their past behavior. So, that is generally what I tell my friends when they ask if their spouse or SO will change after their most recent argument.
OTOH, my first ex was a lying, cheating, stealing, backstabbing . . . well 'nuff said. But now she has become a real person with ethics and all that. So it can go either way, I guess.
I’ll say this about lying, cheating etc…etc… behaviors. They are learned. Either by personal experimentation, or through observation. Manytimes they start young, when someone is in say highschool, however, people can and do change. Sometimes the guy or gal who was a lier or someone who cheated in High school or college does infact change over time. However, sometimes they do not change, and they remain that way for a very long time, a lifetime in some cases…
I was no saint in Highschool and early college formative years, but when I entered into a serious relationship in my sophomore year of college, and on into grad school, I learned some very important life lessons. i.e. it hurts to get rejected, lied to, cheated upon. These emotions stuck with me in a good way, they made me realize I would not inflict that pain upon anyone in my future. And I am a happily married man now to show for it. It may be the psychologist in me again, but this still boils back down to perception. If a man cheats on a woman, someone who he says he loves and shows he loves, he is consciously betraying her. However, his perception does not allow him to see her hurt*, but take the same cheating man and put him in a relationship he is really enjoying, and having fun with and have the woman cheat on him…how do you think that will affect his perceptions. Emotional quid pro quo if you will…sometimes it changes people, sometimes it hardens them.
I’m not really sure what you are looking for here, but I’ll post a little of my experience.
The guy I dated in high school has changed a lot, for the better. He was a good guy, but not a good boyfriend in high school. He was a cheater and a lie-to-cover-up-the-cheating type of guy. He has since MATURED into a much better person. He is married with a son, and from what I have heard and observed, he’s left those bad habits in his past. I would say the key to this is that he just grew up.
The guy I dated in college was abusive, jealous, AND a cheater. He was abusive, jealous and cheated on the girl before me, and with the girl after me. I’ve also heard that he is married. (And thank God, he has moved several states away). Anyway, I’m sure he HAS NOT changed.
Maybe the change potential has to do with what the underlying problem is. If it’s a maturity issue, it’s possible the person will just… you know… MATURE. But if it is a huge character flaw, I guess maybe a person is less likely to change.
My ex-bf extrordinaire did change after we broke up (for the second, and final, time). A year or so after we broke up he told me that he had learned alot from our breakup and was really sorry for what he had done. We have remained (occasional) friends and it seems that he really has changed for the better. I’m very proud of him and lookinf forward to attending his upcoming wedding (to a very nice girl who is nothing like me).