I just towed that cocksucking Jeep home tonight!
She’ll never change! 
Another red flag. That suggests to me that he can control his temper when it suits his purposes. When he “acts crazy”, he is doing so deliberately.
Oh, I know, that’s definitely the case sometimes. He’s even admitted it. But not always. Sometimes in the past he’s had to leave if she’s around and he knows he’s about to lose his temper.
Just so we’re clear: you understand that what you are describing is an unacceptably adversarial relationship and that if you don’t quit that shit it will ultimately lead you (and quite possibly your daughter) straight into hell’s mouth, right?
Just checking.
It is unacceptably adversarial, but the “hell’s mouth” part seems a bit hyperbolic. If he acts up too much I’ll quit seeing him just like I have before for years at a time. I’m just tired of always having to be vigilant about making sure he’s acting okay, like, “We can go out but if you’re not here by 10:30 I’m not going to. Seriously. Okay?” or explain to him like he’s a 5-year-old less offensive and mean ways to say things: “If the woman is flirting with the waiter the man can just say ‘It’s making me uncomfortable that you’re being flirty with the waiter’, not tell her she’s acting like a ho.” This was a hypothetical that came up because I said not to ever call any woman a ho and he *sincerely *asked what a man is supposed to say if a woman really is acting like a ho, so I asked him for a specific scenario and that’s what he said. He is VERY smart, but certain things he can’t figure out even theoretically. I’m no expert in interpersonal relationships but that kind of thing seems so far beyond obvious to me.
Blackberry, in what ways has being in this relationship made you a better, happier person?
Sounds to me like you have incompatible “styles”, for lack of a better word. Apparently he wants what my maternal grandparents had: they’d yell at each other over lunch, he’d leave the house banging the door and, once the kids were out in school, come back bearing chocolate (of which the girls never saw an ounce) and they’d have make-up sex. The other kind of sex they were interested in was mid-fight sex, apparently, although this one required the girls to directly not be in the house. My mother grew up seeing her parents insult each other any time he was home (Gramps was a traveling salesman most of the time) and having no idea of what went in when she wasn’t home, and in turn decided to never, ever, show any disagreement in front of her own children, to the point where I didn’t find out until I was twenty-three that Dad and her actually did have disagreements.
You would probably prefer something like my paternal grandparents had, where the closest anybody came to yelling anything other than “table’s ready!” was “BINGO!” when playing such… I know of one (1) instance when they had something resembling a fight, and it was due to a lack of communication: once they figured the problem out, the next step was ensuring such a miscommunication could never happen again.
Probably none. But when you feel like you’re a kind of dysfunctional person to start with, it’s a hard question to answer.
My last serious relationship was with a man who absolutely REFUSED to have any argument at all, no matter how respectful (and we were NEVER disrespectful to each other). He was a very good guy, which is something I say about very few of my other exes. But he was terrified of any conflict (in a relationship…he’s a high ranking Army dude and has no problem with professional conflict) and that was a problem. I like a good debate, and I think a good *respectful *argument is healthy (to his knowledge, his parents NEVER argued and that’s what he thought was ideal, even though his dad had a kid with another woman while they were married). Apparently I can only find extremes one way or the other.
I don’t think either way is healthy, but again, what do I know? Can some happy couples have the occasional vicious screaming match and then get over it? Can some never ever argue and have no resentment? I have no idea. But I know I can’t do either one.
And I know the pat answer is don’t see anyone until I figure it out and find the right person, etc., but that’s not very realistic when nothing is likely to change. And it’s not like I haven’t tried it. Just believe me that I am *so *not one of those women that always has to have a man. But I’m also not a nun!
This was reading like a teenage dramafest until I got to this:You have a daughter??
You need to grow up and accept that you don’t love this guy but are addicted to the drama.
There are a million red flags here - the fighting, the racial slurs, the list it seems is endless. How could you want a man like this to be a role model for your daughter? It doesn’t matter if he hides who he is in her presence: asshole is asshole no matter what spin you put on it.
Put on your big girl panties and be a better role model for your child. Every time you think of getting back into the drama, ask yourself if you would like that for your daughter. What you are now, she will become.
As a single mom, I understand it’s hard. You don’t have to be dating. There’s no crime to be alone.
I can certainly see where you would say that, but I’m so anti-drama about every single other thing in my life. I hate ALL spectacles, not just negative ones but even positive ones (like weddings).
I know. I totally would not want this for her. I think about that all the time. And we talk all the time about healthy relationships. I think I’m pretty good at it in theory. In practice, not so much, but that’s not going to be the case if I demonstrate NO relationship either (which has also been the case for years). I would love nothing more than to demonstrate a healthy relationship to my daughter, but I just haven’t been able to do it. But at least (and I realize this isn’t great) I have never once demonstrated a man mistreating me in her presence. Or mistreating her ever!
Having no relationship is much better than having lousy one. Showing your daughter that you don’t settle is a great lesson.
Indefinitely though? Doesn’t that just show her that Mama’s a crazy cat lady without even having any cats? That I’m totally out of touch because I don’t do normal things? I’m not saying that showing her a bad relationship IS good, but showing her no relationship ever seems pretty bad too.
Until I started seeing crazy man again, I had a friend with benefits (now a friend without benefits) that I never had any drama with ever, but that’s just because I’m not that into him. And she’s never met him, and that’s not really a thing you can demonstrate to a kid anyway. Then my Army ex was pretty good, but that didn’t work out either. And that concludes my list of relationships that weren’t fucked up. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.
I can’t fathom how you think role-modelling staying in a bad relationship is worse than role-modelling being in no relationship to your daughter. To be honest, a lot of your responses to challenges in this thread have been of the ‘yes, you’re right, but…’ variety.
If you don’t know ‘what the hell is wrong’ with you, what are you going to do to find out?
No, I’m saying they’re both bad.
No clue. I’ve tried therapy and I’ve tried seeing good men and I’ve tried not seeing anyone. What else is there?
It sounds to me like you’ve done three really positive things:
- got therapy (What did it do for you? Did it help? A little? A lot? If it didn’t help, have you sought a different type of therapy/therapist?)
- had some good relationships, even if they didn’t last
- had some single time
All of those are worth repeating, and you have even agreed that it’s better to be single than be in a bad relationship.
Leaving the relationship you are in now doesn’t mean you’re saying to the world, ‘I will never be in a relationship again.’ Which is what you were implying when you responded to jsgoddess. Now is just a moment in time. Who knows what the future holds? The only thing that is certain is that if you stay in the bad relationship, you’ll miss any opportunities to start a good one.
So many red flags. sorry Blackberry.
My father died when I was young, and my mother has never remarried and hardly dated at all when I was growing up. She was in one serious relationships that lasted a year or so and to the best of my knowledge ended because the guy wasn’t willing to make a long-term commitment. I think she went out to dinner a couple of times with one or two other guys, but as far as I know that’s it. (I suppose she may have had lunch dates while I was at school, but she never mentioned it.)
I do not think my mother is a crazy cat lady or totally out of touch, and if the choice was between having a single mother and having a mother who was involved with a man who treated her badly then I’m very grateful my mother went with the former. I’ve known too many other girls who grew up around their mother’s unstable boyfriends or second husbands, and it didn’t sound like a lot of fun. And frankly, by the time your daughter is old enough to care whether you’re “normal” she’s going to think you’re totally weird and embarrassing no matter what you do.
Thank you for this perspective! I will keep considering it. I guess because I never felt like my mom could give me any relevant advice about any teenage thing, I may have gone too far the other way.
And my daughter has already just reached this age (she’ll be 13 in March). She and her friends just started not giving a fuck what I say 
It’s like we switched from me being the cool young mom to her being the cool young kid overnight!
Also, robardin, I forgot to say before, but your commentary was super funny and made me laugh.
And thank you. I have tried therapy several times over the years, but it never seems particularly helpful. I mean, they’re just telling me things I already theoretically know. I really feel like this kind of perspective is more helpful, especially a bunch of people all telling me the same thing. I don’t think many people really understand how good at mind games this dude is. It’s very easy to get sucked in.
You can just delete his number. You can not respond. Again: you are an adult and only you are responsible for your destiny. To act powerless to his ways casts you in a seriously immature light.
Of course it would be nice to have a great relationship to model. As was mentioned, you will never find one while being distracted by a bad one. Another thing to consider: while these guys may act exemplary in her presence, they are obviously a mindfuck for you, personally. Do you really think you are being the best mom while operating under these distractions?
As for not knowing what’s wrong with you, join the club. I think most people have issues to deal with. It doesn’t mean you have to settle for a jerk that treats you poorly. Finding oneself can take a very long time and unfortunately the meter doesn’t run while you’re preoccupied.
As for therapy, were you like that there as you are here? The “yes, but…” Behavior. If so, no wonder it didn’t help. Until you are ready to grow up, all the therapy in the world will be wasted.
I’m sorry to come off as harsh but I just don’t think the message is sinking in yet.