Religious Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

A cardinal dashes into the papal apartment and skids to a stop before the pope. “Your Holiness,” the cardinal gasps, “wondrous revelations! A miracle high in the Italian Alps, witnessed by an entire village! Our investigators have just returned, all is confirmed!”

“What is it?” the pope asks

“We now know the exact date, time and place of the Second Coming. But, well, there’s good news and bad news,” the cardinal reports.

“Really? What’s the good news?”

“Our Savior is returning to establish God’s Kingdom on Earth in exactly 14 days from today, at exactly six in the morning!”

“And the bad news?”

“Ah, well, he wants us to meet him in Salt Lake City.”

42

Two Jews are walking down a street together and pass by a Christian church. In front of the church is a plaque reading ALL WORSHIPERS WELCOME, and underneath it, a handwritten sign taped up that reads: BAPTISM SPECIAL TODAY ONLY - CONVERT AND GET $20!

“Can you believe this?” the one says to the other. “Tell me this is a joke!”
“I’m going to call them on it,” says his friend.
“What, you’re going to do it?”
“Yeah, why not?”

He goes in and his friend waits for him outside. After about an hour, he re-emerges, holding a small Bible in his hands.

“So, you really did it?”
“Yep!”
“They baptised you and all that?”
“Yep.”
“And did they actually give you $20?”

His friend gives him a look and says, “Is that all you Jews think about? Money?”

:stuck_out_tongue:

43

Also, it only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

44

Sam Goldberg, hardware store owner, decides that it’s time to retire and hand the business over to his son. “Thanks, Dad!,” he says. “I’ll make you proud - I’m going to do a great new marketing campaign that will have everybody buying from us!”

“That’s fine, son,” said Sam, “the business is yours now. I won’t interfere.”

A week later, Sam is driving down the highway, when he sees a new billboard, featuring a crucified Jesus. The copy read, “Here’s what you get when you buy your nails at Goldberg’s Hardware!”

Sam, in a panic, calls up his son. “I know I promised not to interfere, but you’ve got to change that billboard! The Goyim are all gonna say we killed their god, and you’ll have anti-Semites burning down the store!”

“OK, Pop, I’ll change it immediately.”

The next day, Sam drives down the same highway. True to his son’s word, the billboard was now different. It featured an empty cross, Jesus slumped on the floor, and the copy read “Here’s what you get when you don’t buy your nails at Goldberg’s Hardware!”

45

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my underwear to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”

And this joke, a twist on the old ‘‘three blind men’’ Buddhist parable:

Six wise but blind elephants were discussing what humans were like.

Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human and declared, “Humans are flat.”

The other wise, blind elephants, after feeling the human, agreed.

46

Or a variation I’ve seen, “Imagine if they’d given Jesus the electric chair, what Catholics would have to do !” * screws up face and vibrates crazily *

From an old novel, from memory :

Satan : “Evil ? Evil ? I’m not in charge of evil, I’m in charge of sin ! Sin is anything that’s fun ! It was God that invented the bra you know.”

47

What does a Jewish child predator say?

“Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?”

48

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boy’s face until about 13.

49

I saw that on a site that allowed comments, and there were a bunch of lunatics threatening to kill whoever posted that picture. The responses made so much funnier.

50

Two boys were training as altar boys, and their big debut was at hand.

The priest told them that their cue to come in carrying the candles would be when he sang, “And the angels lit the candles…”

The big day came, and as planned, the priest sang, “And the angels lit the candles…” Nothing happened.

He tried again, a little louder. “And the angels lit the candles…” Nothing.

One more time: “AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES…”

From the back of the church came the resonse: “And the cat wet on the matches…”

51

You people are sick and twisted. I knew I joined this board for a good reason.
Skammer’s already told one good, Episcopal joke. Here’s another one.

A little boy was visiting a church when the priest noticed him looking up at a plaque with a long list of names. (Get your minds out of the gutter, folks. This is an Episcopal joke, not a Catholic one.) The little boy looked at the priest and asked, “What is this?”
“This is a list of all the people who died in the service,” the priest replied.
The little boy looked at the list thoughtfully for a few moments and asked, “The 8:30 or the 10:30?”

I can remember a few services like that when I was a kid.
I’m going to have to go through some of my copies of The Door magazine and a couple of books and dig up some other old favorites.

52

A Reverend, a Priest and a Rabbi were discussing how they chose which donation money went to them, and which to God’s work.

Reverend : “I draw a line on the ground and toss down the money. Anything on the left goes to the church, anything to the right goes to God.”

Priest : “I draw a circle on the ground and toss down the money. Anything on the inside goes to the church, anything on the outside goes to God.”

Rabbi : “I just toss the money up into the air. Anything God can catch, he can keep.”

53

“In fact, I’m not really a Jew. Just Jew-ish. Not the whole hog.”

–Jonathan Miller, “Beyond the Fringe”

======

Here beginneth the news. Yesterday, on the road from Sodom, a Mrs. Lot turned into a pillar of salt. Will anyone who saw the accident please call REvelations 7-7777.

–Cambridge Circus

Moses was tending his sheep in the desert. And he heard someone cry, “Moses!” (in a voice very much like Charlton Heston’s). He turned to the direction of the voice and saw a bush that was burning but did not consume itself! (How about that, folks!)

And the bush said, “Moses, take thy sandals from off thy feet, for the land you are standing on is holy land.”

Moses took off his sandals, approached the bush, and burned his feet.

And the bush said, “Ahaaa! Third one today!”

Moses swore. We’re not sure what he said, but there are many Old Testament scholars who to this day believe this was the first mention of Christ in the Bible.

–David Steinberg

54

God decides it’s time for a vacation, but can’t think of a suitable destination. After much deliberation, he asks Visnu what he thinks.
“How about Mars?” suggests Visnnu.
“No,” replies God, “too hot.”
“Pluto?”
“No, too cold.”
“Earth?”
“Earth? Earth?! Fuck that” exclaims God, “I went to Earth over 2,000 years ago, got some Jewish bitch pregnant and they’re STILL talking about it!”

55

Jesus and Paul come down to play a round of golf. On the fourth hole, it’s a long par 5 with a sharp dogleg around the end of the water hazard. Jesus looks at it and says, “You know, last week Tiger Woods put a 3-iron shot across that water hazard and took an eagle on this hole. I’m gonna try it.”

Paul says, “I’ve seen your iron work. You’d be better off playing it safe with a driver shot down the middle.”

Jesus say, “O ye of little faith”, takes a mighty swing and ker-plunk: lands the ball in the middle of the water hazard. He looks at the ripples, mutters “DAMN!” and walks out across the lake looking for his ball.

As he’s searching, the next group comes up and are stunned by the sight. One guy taps Paul on the shoulder and asks, “What’s up with that? Does he think he’s Jesus Christ or something?”

“No, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

56

So David went forth with his armies to do battle with the Hittites, and he was challenged to single combat by the Hittite champion, Uttor. The battle was fierce, but the Lord was with King David, and he slew Uttor, and removed his armor as a trophy. Whereupon he saw that Uttor had the biggest godawmighty huge limbaugh! So he chops it off, and carries it away.

As he approached Jerusalem, he came across a group of women doing laundry in the river, but they didn’t notice the approach of their king, so David ordered the horn to sound, so they might know that their king was among them.

They all turned and stared, then ran away screaming and weeping: “Uttor the Hittite is dead! Uttor the Hittite is dead!”

57

I got another one. After the resurrection, Jesus is making himself breakfast on the beach. Peter is just offshore in his fishing boat and waves J.C. over. As Jesus is walking across the water, he starts to sink. Peter quickly rows over and fishes him out.

“What happened?!”, Peter exclaims, “That used to be so easy for you”
“Yeah”, Jesus sputters, “but last time I didn’t have holes in my feet”

58

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Israel. “Your Holiness” said one of the Cardinals, “The Jewish spiritual leaders would like to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against their rabbi?”

“None who plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Jewish representative as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the world-class golfer.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes.”

59

This is going in my profile! :smiley:

60

A priest was playing golf with an old duffer. On the first tee, the priest hit a perfect shot and said “praise the Lord!”

The duffer sliced into the woods. He said " God Damn it!"
The priest admonished him to watch his language. Duffer apologized.

On the green the priest hit a perfect putt, scoring a birdie.

The duffer ended with a double bogie. He mumbled (God damn it!)
The priest heard him and said, “If you used the lord’s name in vain again, my He strike you dead!”

Hanging his head, he promised he’d be careful.

Next hole his ball ended up in the water. He threw down his club, and screamed “God F***inf damn it!!”

Suddenly, out of the clear sky, a bolt of lightning hit the priest. A voice boomed from the sky " Ah Christ!"