If I had been you, I would have said something like, “I can’t afford X, but I can afford Y.” I would have made some gesture, and then let the offeror decide whether Y is okay.
You weren’t obligated to read anyone’s minds. But etiquette exists so we don’t have to. When someone offers you something and you don’t know them well, the safest assumption is that they expect something in return, whether it be money or in-kind services. If someone does a solid for you and you can’t pay them at the time they help you out, you should always follow up later with a token of gratitude. If you haven’t done at least this, do it now.
I can shower at the liftgiver’s place. They didn’t have any plans to leave at the crack of dawn and an extra shower costs them no more. Even without that option though, one days missed shower is not a major problem. As for using a toilet circadian rhythms generally mean I wouldn’t need to at night but if I did whilst I’m stood outside a 24 hour supermarket, hmm wonder how I can do that
On rereading, I feel more strongly that your family’s perception of you as mooching isn’t unfair.
“A hotel? No, no. I’ll just hang out in a parking lot overnight. I’ve got my ebook, I’ll be fine. A spare room, you say? Well, if it’s a spare room in the house you’ve rented. An extra, already paid for room, I suppose I could take it off your hands. Ha ha. Or I could just sleep on a curb somewhere. Your choice! No pressure!”
You put them in a position where they either provide you lodging for free or they “allow” a family member to spend the night in a parking lot. You tied their hands with familial obligation and of course there’s going to be grumbling.
OK. So it sounds like it was clear to everyone you couldn’t afford to pay 1/7 of the cottage price. Did you wake up and go buy a dozen donuts, or some bagels, or something like that for the group? Anything to show your appreciation? Or was there nothing like that nearby you could walk to?
If not, did you verbally thank everyone? Have you sent a thank you card to whoever made the cottage rental arrangements?
But by your logic, his choices become to pay money he doesn’t have to get his own room, or skip the family event completely so he doesn’t make other family members uncomfortable with his own poverty.
Or he could have just told everyone that he was staying with a friend. It seems to me that telling everyone you are staying at a supermarket all night is going to result in an offer of a bed somewhere. Nothing wrong with that, since it sounds like a family event. Someone is bound to have an empty bed. If he’s really that short on money, then no harm, no foul. But some sort of token of gratitude is in order.
If proper gratitude was offered up, then the grumbling is just that. People will grumble.
Another data point: I didn’t “go around telling everyone”. The lift giver knew my plans obviously. Some people asked if I was staying with him, and when I said no and was asked where I didn’t lie. I didn’t initiate any such conversations and see no reason why I should be evasive to a direct question, especially as, again, I don’t see a few hours reading my book in peace, during hours I could easily work a night shift and give up a night’s sleep and nobody would care, to be a such a massive burden.
I of course gave thanks to my hosts and of course did not write a thank-you card as it is not 1920.
Well Mr. Shine, I hope you’ve learned your lesson and know in the future not to burden your better off relatives with uncomfortable knowledge of your own straitened circumstances.
Seriously, you did everything correctly. If they’re grumbling, that’s not your problem. Send a few thank you emails if you’re so inclined, and forget about it.
Whatevs. I’m leaning heavily toward seeing you as Moochie McLoad at this point. Making the event a “must-attend” mystery isn’t changing much. Why didn’t you sleep in the car in which you got a lift? I have a cousin who is a world-class mooch and chiseler. The way you handled this trip puts my strongly in mind of him. You worked his favorite angle: it’s easy to make people feel mean and ungenerous in such a way that you profit on them wanting to stop feeling that way. I’d have wished you luck at the parking lot and counseled you to avoid looking too much like you were loitering.
Was the “lifter” supposed to be happy about you spending the night in his/her car in some random parking lot, doing god knows what?
I know what I’d be worried about if I had been the “lifter”. I’d be worried about getting a phone call at four o’clock in the morning over some mess. And four o’clock in the morning mess is horrible. You getting arrested for loitering and now the car is impounded. Someone robbing you since you’re the perfect target, damaging my vehicle in the process. You accidentally locking my keys in the car and now I have to pay for a locksmith since you don’t have any money. So it could be the lifter didn’t like your plan and decided to take matters in his own hand by asking around. That’s something I could see myself doing.
While the OP may or may not be a mooch, I really hate this offering somebody a place to stay and expecting something in return crap. If I’m offering you a room, I don’t expect shit in return. If I think you’re a mooch, I either won’t offer it, or, more likely, I’ll just write it off and not worry or say anything about it. It makes me look like an asshole.
Yeah, well I’ve seen your “contributions” to this board and any similar offer from you would have got a reaction more along the lines of “No thanks, I’d rather spend the night in an -18 degree C freezer in just a t-shirt than spend a night under the same roof as you.”
What car? What the hell are you talking about? Can you even read?
I think monstro, like me, assumed that when you said you were spending the night “hanging around a supermarket car park”, that you meant you were sleeping in a car in that car park. Did you mean you’d actually be sitting on a bench, or walking around, or something else all night in the parking lot?
