False. I’m going to the Eagles training camp tomorrow. Yay!
TND was in love with a boy band member as a teenager.
False. I’m a straight dude.
The next Doper once had a crush on an actor or actress in Star Wars.
True. I’ll take Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, thanks.
TND should be in bed right now.
God yes, and my drunk ass is staggering off there as soon as I finish posting this.
TND is under the influence of alcohol.
False, although I did have a glass of wine with my steak dinner last night.
TND has walked a dog within the last 24 hours.
False.
TND was brought up Atheist.
False: Mormon dad, Buddhist mom.
TND likes show tunes.
True.
TND does not own an umbrella.
False.
The Next Doper resisted some popular trend purely for the bragging rights of resisting a popular trend.
True.
The next doper owns a guinea pig.
True, I have never watched a second of American Idol for the aforementioned reason. I tried to do the same with Survivor and the Simpsons and have seen at least an episode of each.
TND would rather have cheesecake than sex
SSG Schwartz
ETA: False on the guinea pig, or any other pig for that matter.
Oh, hell no.
The next doper can catch flies with their hands.
True. The tiny, slow-moving kind. It’s possible I might have caught a housefly once, but I don’t remember ever doing it.
TND has attended a bullfight.
False.
TND likes pickled eggs.
True, both Portuguese and Spanish versions.
TND regularly corresponds, via snail-mail, with someone overseas.
I’m from overseas. And I study snails. So stretching the figuratively speaking term, its true.
The next Doper gets overly excited at the sound of someone eating a crunchy apple.
…
False. Eww. 
Only if it’s me making the sound, and usually only if the apple in question is a nice tart Granny Smith.
TND is currently on at least one prescription medication.
Nope, not a thing.
TND hates smilies.
False. I find them very useful for conveying subtleties (sarcasm, good will) that are often lost through this text-only medium. They beat the hell out of “LOL,” that’s for damn sure. 
TND regularly posts to at least one message board other than the SDMB.