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http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=450213
Thread titles that will have 0 replies and 0 views
Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
01-04-2008, 04:13 PM
SSG Schwartz

#1360 01-24-2008, 03:37 PM
SkipMagic

Mod Note:

When five people are responsible for 75% of a 1300-post thread, I think it’s safe to say that thread has run its course.

…and these Dopers

Least Original User Name Ever 412
Cluricaun 269
SSG Schwartz 224
bbs2k 123
fisha 115
Elendil’s Heir 43
Autolycus 38
Labtrash 19
TokyoPlayer 16
An Gadaí 10

… among others, were able to present some amusing ideas for doomed threads.

One I just thought of made me want to go revive that zombie, bad alas it was closed.

So it occurred to me that others might want to play along in reviving the three-year-old concept that **SSG Schwartz ** started with some profundity of your own.

My entry:
Tell us about your last four suicide attempts

That ought to be easy to top!

Critique My Belly Button Lint

Let’s Compare Driver’s License Photos

Watch This Video of Me Sleeping!

What Should I Name My Pet Rock?

Let’s start a Facebook group

Anyone interested in friending me on Friendster?

Cheap Rolaxes and V1agara at www.microsoft.com.safestore.asdfwe.hk

“Let me tell you all about this crazy dream I had last night.”

I excerpted these from the first four pages of that old thread, just for reference and possible ideas:

=======================================

Guess the Doper’s Social Security Number.

My online grocery list.

Why my kid is average.

I can name at least 3 US States. How many can you name?

Ottawa, Canada (and area) Dopers (2/1/03; 0 replies, 5 views)
Benefit Art Show In Chicago for New Orleans (9/23/05; 0 replies, 6 views)
Share a Worthwhile Charity (Helping Iraqi Kids) (3/10/04; 0 replies, 6 views)
Houston Dopers: Where to meet stars this week? (1/27/04; 0 replies, 6 views)
Doper Wimmins Lunch - Let’s try this again! (9/2/03; 0 replies, 7 views)
Ventura Dopers? Pride is coming up (7/29/02; 1 reply (by the OP), 7 views)
Any SF Bay Area Dopers doing Bay To Breakers? (5/10/05; 0 replies, 7 views)
Going to Rome in October 2005! EuroDopeFest anyone? (3/4/05; 0 replies, 7 views)
Saint Louis area Dopers, come on out Saturday night! (3/10/05; 0 replies, 8 views)
Any Dopers by Hartford, Connecticut? (4/8/04; 0 replies, 8 views)
Boston Area Dopers! Help me to not get lost! (8/28/03; 0 replies, 8 views)

Anyone up for an Amish dopefest?

I can’t have kitties in my apt. so I got a rock (with pix!)

Windows solitaire question (need answer fast)

I pit Postmaster General Francis Granger (3/1841 to 9/1841)!!!

“Share your favorite Full House and Family Matters moment”

“Why sebaceous cysts and anal sex don’t mix (warning: TMI)”

Before you die, you see this thread

WARNING FROM ADMIN ! : This Thread Is Virus Infected ! ! DO NOT OPEN !

How about in MPSIMS: “Legacy of Postmaster General Francis Granger (3/1841 to 9/1841) [warning, LONG!]”

Korean dopefest?

Any realtime data on Earths solstice?

“My Genitals are Mangled…Wanna See?”

Transcript from the Socially Awkward Anonymous group meeting

“Souffléing Anchovies! Share Your Favorite Recipe”

“Please Critique These Poems I Wrote Back in Eighth Grade”

“Why No Love for the Luxembourgers?”

“What if Zachary Taylor Had Held on for Another Day or Two?”

“Postmaster General Francis Granger: The Haiku Thread”

Can’t buy me Love? Libya offers payment forPA103

My bad TV habits

Orange! – In appreciation of Boards of Canada

Any Dopers watch EastEnders (BBC)?

Sad guest seeks dental advice LOL

Who’s up for a Dopefest on Pitcairn’s Island?

Help name my new kitten (sorry, no pics)

History counterfactual: What if Francis Granger hadn’t resigned in September 1841?

A discussion of rainfall statistics for Swansea in the second week of March 1972.

How else here lives in a zip code that starts with a 0 and ends in 6 with a 7 somewhere in it?

A pit thread: How much ^*$%ing snow we’ve gotten in ___ (updated with new complaints daily)

How do you floss your teeth?

Doing lots and lots of laundry today (warning: Long; TMI)

DoperLawyers: I’m very litigious and am suing several former lawyers. Give me your advice!

At long last: The Juice Newton Appreciation Thread!

Critique this Jules Verne slash fiction I wrote

Let’s handicap the 2024 presidential election!!!

PLEASE give me your name and address so that I can come over and kill you

Words that rhyme with themselves

My Mike Huckabee sexual fantasies (Warning: VERY long, TMI)

Anyone recall this classified ad from the August 27th New York Times?

What is this thing I found in my navel? With Pixs

Line by Line analysis of “Tequila”, by the Champs

Anyone interestied in a KKK Dopefest?

17 clever things I figured out how to do with electrical tape while sitting in my aunt’s living room in Shenectady [long]

“I have no question, can someone look at this mole?”

Help me identify this odor. Need help fast.

Thread: The doper name thread! (just add your user name to the list)

Help me index and cross-reference all 572 books on Peruvian sheep-herding calls at the Library of Congress!

Gitmo Dopefest - Who Wants To Waterboard?!

Post NSFW pics of your SO.

Name my golf ball.

Post your e-mail username and password thread

I’m having trouble asking out the girl from the sex chat line.

Holy shit, I just woke up with an erection!

Good news, she’s not dead!

Interpreting chicken dreams. The official guide.

Tony Randall, Dead or talentless hack?

Need answer fast: Which Hostage Should I Shoot First?

My Balls: They Have an Odor. Guess What It Is!

Guess What I just had for Lunch

I found a nickel under my sofa cushion. (Long)

This one would have one reply, it would say

Reported.

Just out of curiosity, has there ever been such a thread? I know there are a fair number of no-replies but with the traffic this board gets I find it pretty unfathomable that there would ever be one with zero views.

And, as a sidenote, I can see some of the thread titles posted so far getting quite a lot of replies from dismayed and (of course) self-righteous Dopers saying things along the lines of “What a stupid idea for a thread! What’s wrong with you?”

You might be amazed at the number of “0 Views” things that have come along. A mouseover can permit a “view” that doesn’t get counted, so there’s one way such things can (and do) happen.

As for the other, there are some topics that even the pedants and holier-than-thou RO types won’t touch.

Best way to test this whole concept is to start one! I could point to dozens (at least it feels that way) I have started that never got a peep. :smiley:

Nothing personal, but this thread getting 0/0 would’ve been pretty epic.

Testing: Can a virus be embedded in a message board post?

Especially if the mouseover only showed a bunch of weird characters.

  • What’s good about America?
  • Want to see my novel that’s not in the science fiction, fantasy or vampire genre?
  • Dopers with short penises: roll call!
  • The trainspotting thread
  • Why dogs are better than cats

Oh, yes! But I had a plan for that, you see. :smiley:

I have used it quite a few times when one of my jewels just sat there for days with not a scracth. I have always been amazed at the “0 replies” thread starters not using my trick, but they must not have had all that much invested to begin with.

If somebody doesn’t beat me to it before too long, I’ll bring in a list of the failures of mine from times gone by.

Getting a thread with no views is much harder than getting one with no replies and many threads worthy of being ignored will get a joke reply or prod.

A few attempts:

Philisophical Treaty on the Importance of Nitpicking (long)
Tell Me About Your Experiences as a North Korean Tourist
List All the Even Numbers (No Odd Numbers or Fractions Please!)
Pictures of Naked Octogenarians
Ask The Bore
I HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO SHOUT ON THE INTERNET AND YOU CANT DO A THING ABOUT IT
Share Your Albatross Recipies
Help Me Select a Toilet Brush
Posting This Was a Waste of Time, But Not As Much as Reading it Would Be
I’m a Troll, Feed me, LOLZ
Ask the Apathist
Only Losers Don’t Like Me
Post Here if You Support Reintroduction of Segregation

  1. Share your anecdotes about Postmaster General Francis Granger
  2. Let’s reminisce about the great threads in the Barn House forum

Could Postmaster General Francis Granger have outmaneuvered General Lee at Chancellorsville?

** Meat made from human shit - does this count as cannibalism?** (actual thread with 12 replies as of now - but one drawing me irresistably to not open it).

the 5 dollar will be donated too NAMBLA for every view of this threadthread

What gets me are threads like this one. Straightforward question, over a thousand views, but no one stepping up to answer. Bizarre.

Help ID This Song: It goes m-mm-mMm-mm

Poll: Let’s Rank the **Ernest **Movies – Note: Respond Only if You’ve Seen Them All

Anyone Else Not Crazy About the Recent Changes to classmates.com?

Need Help with Segway Repair

Where Can I Find a Kick-Ass Fruitcake Recipe?

I think I have lied to you about the “0 Views” situation. Somebody pointed out (may have been in that old thread) that the OP is charged with a View by posting the thread, so “0 Replies” is possible but “0 Views” may not be. I did go on a search for an instance, but have had no luck so far.

On the pages where you see lists of threads (either the “home page” for the specific forum or on the “New Posts” page) you can go to the bottom of the list and adjust how the list is produced. Using “from the beginning” and “number of Views” and “ascending order” you can cause all the threads (including those that have been Moved elsewhere and which have “-” in place of numbers for Replies and Views) in that forum to be arranged by Views count, lowest numbers first.

Except for brand new threads started in the last day or two where there are some “1” Views cases, the smallest number I have seen for threads that have been around a while was in the 40’s.

It will be a challenge to locate the lowest Views thread and copy/paste its stats here. Any takers?

Sorry about the lie, Rigamarole. :o

No, this is an 18 page thread. For reference. …bagel dog