When I saw Revenge of the Sith, I knew that something was wrong. Certain perceptive critics, however, awakened me to the truth:
**Stephanie Zacherak of Salon.com**:
David Edelstein of Slate.com:
The lightsabers are clearly dongs. That’s so obvious one can barely call it “symbolism.” But much else in the way of homoerotic allegory lurks beneath the chipper sci-fi surface.
The Dark Side is gayness, whereas, asymettrically, the Light Side is asexuality. Lucas’s vision of sexuality is so skewed that he thinks that only celibacy can save a man from gay attractions.
The Dark Side is “quicker, more seductive,” according to Yoda (who looks himself like a flacid–hence non-threatening–peen). Palpitine (sounds like “palpitations”) is gayness personified, the Evil Queen who turns butches into bitches.
In contrast, the Jedi are without the touch of woman or man; they hang out in a temple and ponder their chastity, saving up their kundalini for a rainy day (the Force and saberschlong is never used for attack, etc.).
“I loved you like a brother! But not as a lover! Why did you come out to me?”
Anakin (“kin of anus”), however, snags Pad-poon when his nerdy colleagues are unawares. Although Lucas is against sex altogether, I’m willing to call him a homophobe because he clearly sees man-on-man love as the lowest, darkest, and most dangerous form of sexuality.
How could I have been so blind? What is it that Anakin fears the most? The death of his wife in childbirth–a not-so-subtle way of saying that even heterosexuality (i.e., “normal” sex), is scary stuff. And fear, as we know, leads to the Dark Side. Hence, normal sex is bad, but if you engage in it and it freaks you out, you’ll go gay and things will even get worse. Better leave well enough alone.
Indeed, it gets so bad for Ani (pseudo-plural of “anus”), in fact, that once he falls to the Gay Side and his advances are rejected on Mustafar (the volcanism clearly representing the hot ‘n’ bothered combo of organ, orifice, and ejaculate) by the pure and asexual Obi-Wan, he is further degraded into leather-clad gimp.
And look at Luke, too, in RotJ. He rejects the gayness of the Queen (in The Empire Strikes Back, the character was apparently played by a woman with lemur eyes superimposed–cite; which suggests that a gay man is both woman and frail animal), tossing away his lightphallus. This is entirely in character, since nowhere in the series does he ever get puss. The Queen’s reaction? Force lightning. It has often been asked why Vader doesn’t use force lightning, nor Dooku, etc. The answer is that Force lightning is pure prana sans the mediating phallus; it is, in effect, the darkest, most ying, most nelly expression of the Gay Side. One may also speculate that, by the time of RotJ, Palpatine couldn’t get it up any more, anyway.
One could go on and on, with the interpretation (if something so obvious could be called “interpretive”) above shedding much light on otherwise questionable details. Why does Palp’s face transform during the fight with Windu? Because his switch to nelly lighting requires the symbolic change of face to old and wrinkled anus.
One could go on in this vein all night long.
By the masses, for the masses. As America’s love affair with asexual fundamentalism lurches forth apace, it’s no coincidence that one of the most popular movie series reminds us to protect our modesty, think pure thoughts, and only pray to OMM in a Unichurch.
