Reviews: Short and Sweet

Draw a bead and pull the trigger. Movies, books, TV, plays, whatever.
Here’s a couple to start you off:

King Kong:: All about a monkey who couldn’t make it in the big city.

Murder, She Wrote:: It’s cancelled? Maybe now the killings will stop.

Camelot:: Richard Harris plays the King. Somebody should have played the Ace.
Go get 'em, guys.

If you can’t laugh at yourself,
make fun of other people.

Titanic…big surprise ending - the boat sinks!

Leave it to Beaver - a show that would have a much different focus if it was created 40 years later on HBO.

Alien - What, you thought they would be friendly?

Mullinator…what’s the dirtiest thing said on tv in the old days?

“Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night!”

Sphere: “Forbidden Planet” and “Lathe of Heaven” set under water.

Shortest review was expounded upon in Spinal Tap. Nigel was complaining about a review of their album which said, simply, “Shit sandwich.”

“Can they write that?”

Yer pal,

Universal Soldier: The Return: Don’t se this movie…even on a dare.
Stir of Echoes: The Sixth Sense meets The Shining. More obscure actors to The Six Degrees of Keven Bacon web.

The Wild, Wild West: Posse in da hizouse, y’all!

The Matrix: Yet another movie that gives Keanu a chance to say “Woah” with feeling.
I’m sure I’ll have more later. Great idea for a thread, Wally.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

Well, thanks, Sealemon.
Here’s another one just to keep you interested:

The Godfather:: All in the Family without the laughtrack.

Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind - Beep bip beep beep bipbip beep

Antz - Kinda like Bug’s Life, but without the marketing department

Bull Durham - More strikes than an AFL-CIO meeting. More balls than a Chippendales dance-off

It’s not bragging if you can do it - Satchel Paige

Aliens (and Alien3 and Resurrection for that matter…): Let’s see how many people are alive at the end THIS time!

Addendum to Wally’s comment on Murder, She Wrote: Here comes that woman! For God’s sakes, run before you die!

The Experiment, by John Darnton: Mad scientist cliche + conspiracy cliche + James Bond ending cliche = failed experiment.

Too Good To Be True, by Jan Harold Brunvand: “No, the story you heard about your cousin’s boyfriend’s boss’s nurse’s son is not true.”

Highlander 2: “Hey, I have a great idea. Let’s take a good concept and totally destroy it!”

Highlander 3: “Hey, I have a great idea. Let’s take the plot of the first movie and do it over again, but worse!”

The Blair Witch Project - FUCKFUCKFUCK, we’re lost. Shhhh - did you hear that? Fuck.

Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

Water World Road Warrior with no road and more water

Starship Troopers Space 90210

Wing Commander Starship Troopers with cats instead of bugs

Happiness The single emotion this movie has absolutely no chance of provoking

You guys are good!

I Am a Camera:: No Leica this movie.

Double Jeopardy: Is more interesting than this movie.

“The problem with reality is the lack of background music.” – Anon

Shortest review I’ve ever seen written was by Mr. Cranky for the movie SpiceWorld.

Max: Thanks for the link. I forgot how weird Vernor’s feels shooting out of my nostrils.

Ok, I can’t take credit for this (IIRC, Steve Jackson of the gaming company said it first), but:

Independence Day: Aliens come down from outer space and destroy Washington DC. But later on, they turn out to be hostile.

peas on earth

Mumford: You say you wanna impersonate a psychiatrist? Well, are you a good listener? Close enough!

Murder she wrote AKA Murder She Hopes.

Stigmata: AKA The Exorcist: The Music Video.

A stand up comedian’s statement about Titanic: “The Star Wars for young girls.”

The Haunting: Hmmmm…see this movie again, or wack my tesicles with a ballpeen hammer? Decisions, decisions…

Mystery Men: Funny, these guys just seemed more formidable than Batman and Robin.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

OK, one for a movie I unfortunately had to endure last night:

Eyes Wide Shut: Tom and Nicole repeat every question they’re asked, thus doubling the length of a movie in which there is a lot of talking about fucking, but hardly any really takes place.

Mmmmm not so short and definately not very good, looking at it now :wink:
But: what the HELL was Stanley thinking ??
The movie is beautiful in terms of the pictures and shots (isn’t that the same, come to think of it), but the story is R-E-A-L-L-Y lame… IMHO, of course.

This being the last movie of a genius so great, well, it’s seems to be ironic at least.

God, no-one knows how much I love “Full Metal Jacket”… one of my favourite flicks of ALL TIME. Don’t get me started on the other gems… This guy basically deserved a better goodbye, or at least a chance to redeem himself with a DECENT movie.

But I suppose all this belongs in a threat of its own. I’m kinda sad now, just like last night exiting the cinema. The whole experience gave me a sense of unfulfillment.

You weren’t done yet, mr. Kubrick. Not by a long shot. You will be missed.


“You know how complex women are”

  • Neil Peart, Rush (1993)