Risqué jokes

Two bums wanted to get a drink, but all they had between them was one nickel. They cooked up a scheme to make the rounds of their favorite bars. They went into a meat market and bought one frankfurter, and then went into the first bar.
They drank their fill and when the bartender asked for his money, one bum got on his hands and knees and the other stuck the frankfurter out through his fly front. The bumn on his knees started sucking on the wiener.
“Get them outta here!” roared the bartender. The bouncer threw them out.
They went to another bar, and another, and another. Same result. After a while, they were pretty barrelled and the bum who had been kneeling said, “We’re going to have to cut this out. My knees are really getting sore.”
The other bum said, “You think you got troubles–I lost the frankfurter after the second bar!”
Post your off-color jokes here.

This one is definitely dated but I love it:

Did you hear about the KY Jelly they brought out for the millennium? Well it’s called Y2K Jelly.

It allows you to insert four digits into your date.

Bwah! May be dated, but I never heard it before, and it literally made me LOL!

Here’s mine (old, but still good):
an older couple go to a marriage counselor. The man says “We’re having trouble with. . .you know, the bedroom stuff; it’s just not as. . .exciting as it used to be” So the counselor says “Well, do you ever make love anywhere besides the bedroom?” Both husband and wife look shocked at the very idea. So the counselor says, “Here’s what you do: next time one of you is in the mood, even if you’re in the bathroom or pantry, just do it! Right then and there!”

A week later, the couple comes back, both looking very pleased. The counselor says “So, how did it go?” and the wife says “Great! We were eating dinner Wednesday night, and the mood just came on me. I looked at him, he looked at me, and we did it right there on the table!” The counselor says “That’s great!” and the husband says “Yeah, but we’re not allowed in Denny’s ever again”.

So, a little old lady and her little old husband were living in the rest home after a long, happy life together. They couldn’t have sex anymore, but every evening they’d sit out on the porch and she’d very gently hold his penis as they sat in the porch swing and rocked.

One day, out of the blue, her husband announced, “honey, I’m leaving you.”

Shocked, she asked, “Why? We’ve been together so long and I thought you were as happy as I am?”

“Oh, I am happy. But I’m leaving you for the widow Smith.”

Indignant, she shoots back, “Why? What does she have that I don’t?”

“Parkinson’s.”

:smiley:

My family is nuts, my best friend is a pussy, and my neighbor is an asshole. Who am I?

A dick.

What’s the biggest problem dildo farmers have?

Squatters.

A priest and a rabbi are walking through a park one day and happen upon a young boy sitting on a bench. The priest looks around furtively, and after observing that there is no one else around, gleefully says to the rabbi, “Let’s screw him!” The rabbi stops in his tracks and looks shocked. He replies,…
“Out of what?!”

As a kid I got kicked out of the cub scouts for eating brownies.

I learned it thus:

Three couples are hoping to join a church. They have a meeting with the pastor, who tells them, “Self-control, modesty and restraint, are important to our faith community. We require that any married couple who wishes to join our church participate in an exercise to test their ability to uphold these values. Specifically, the couple must refrain from all sexual activity for one week.” Each couple agrees to abstain from sex for a week, and they agree to meet with the pastor after the week is up.

A week and a few days later, each couple meets with the pastor, and they discuss their experience with the exercise in self-control.

The first couple speaks. The wife says, “We were able to go without for a week. We’ve been together for a long, long time, and we’ve found many ways to share intimacy without being sexual.” The pastor welcomes them to the congregation.

The second couple speaks, and the wife says, “It was a lot of work, and one of us had to sleep on the couch the last few nights, but we made it through the whole week. It made us appreciate sex a whole lot more.” They, too, are welcomed to the congregation.

The third couple looks nervous, and finally the husband says, “We really tried to abstain for a week. But we love making love, and my wife is just so smokin’ hot! One day she bent over to pick up a can of paint, and I just couldn’t control myself - I grabbed her and we did it right then and there.” The pastor says, “I understand this exercise is difficult, and I know you tried. However, you’re not welcome in our church family.”

The husband sighs and says, “Yeah, we’re not welcome in Home Depot anymore, either.”

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession
to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because
she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding,
it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and
said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most
important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said
that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist,
it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage,
it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and
said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other
things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on
to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as
flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After
one glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to
the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you
before we got married. Why did you still faint?”

The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long.”

Same, but it was a can of peas in the supermarket.

Snerk. I like 'em both! I also like having “variations on a theme” so I don’t get too boring at parties! :cool::smiley:

A retired couple have saved all their lives to go on cruise around the world. The only room they could afford though had bunkbeds instead of a regular bed. The first night after a long day on the ship the husband looks at his wife and says,“up or down?” The wife grabs him and throws him on the bottom bunk and screws the hell out him. The next night the husband remembering the previous night looks at his wife and again says, “up or down?” Agian the wife grabs her husband ant throws him on the bed and screws the hell out him. This goes on every night on the cruise.
The first night back home the husband remembering the great sex on the cruise looks at his wife and asks, “up or down?” The wife just looks at him and says,“what are you talking about?” Well he says on the ship everytime I asked up or down you screwed the hell out of me. The wife looks at him and says, “up or down. I thought you said -Fuck or drown!”

This old couple’s sitting on their front porch rocking one morning, she says to him, “Do you remember what we were doing 50 years ago this morning?” “Yes,” he replies, “We was eating breakfast in the nude.” “That’s right,” she says, “Lets do it again and see if we can re-kindle some of those old feelings?” "OK, "he agrees.
Later, as they were eating, she says “Pa. I think it’s working. My boobs are as warm for you now as they ever were.” “Well, they ought to be,” he says. “You got one tit hanging in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal.”

Many years a go, a young man asked his girl if she would perform oral sex on him. She quickly replied, “no, you will lose all respect for me.” He tried reassuring her that he would always respect her, but she would not budge.

They became engaged. On their wedding night, he again pleaded his case. Again, he was rebuffed. “You’ll lose all respect for me.”

Their first anniversary, same thing. In fact, it became a yearly ritual on their anniversary night; he pleading, she declining, he pleading his case, she standing firm in her refusal.

This went on for years and years. Cut to the present day. He is ninety-one, she ninety. They have been married for 70 years. “Sweetheart,” he says, “for God’s sake, we ain’t got much longer to live. Can’t I have just ONE blowjob before I die? I swear to all that is sacred that I WILL NOT lose respect for you!”

She finally relents and performs the act. Immediately afterwards, the phone rings. The man picks it up. “Hello? Yeah, she’s here.” He hands the phone to his wife. “It’s for you, cocksucker.”

Posted this one a while back, but it fits, so what the heck:

A bishop is traveling around visiting the priests in his diocese. One night, at dinner, the bishop notices the priest’s housekeeper, who is a quite young and attractive woman. “Father,” he says, “I hope you won’t let that young woman lead you into temptation.” The priest assures the bishop that that is not the case.

Days later, the housekeeper approaches the priest. “I’m not sure how to say this. I would never accuse the bishop of stealing, but I can’t find the silver gravy ladle, and I’m certain that the last time we used it was the night the bishop had dinner here.”

The priest tries to think of a way to bring up the issue tactfully, and finally writes a letter to the bishop, which concludes, “I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but it has been missing since the night you were here.”

Some days later, a letter arrives from the bishop. It states: “I’m not saying that you are having sex with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you aren’t, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

Three bulls are out in the meadow when they notice that a truck has pulled up with a trailer.

The first, biggest bull remarks: New bull? I’ll stomp him if he thinks he’s going to get any of my cows.

The second, middle sized bull remarks: I’ll stomp him if he thinks he’s going to get any of my cows.

The third, smallest bull also says that the new bull won’t get any of his.

Now the new bull is lead out of the trailer. It’s the biggest, meanest, nastiest bull that any of them have ever seen. It’s horns are sharp like daggers, it’s snorting and stomping, spitting mad.

The first bull looks down and says: It’s probably only fair to let him have some of my cows. I think he can take a fourth of my harem.

The second bull gulps and says: That seems right. He can have maybe half of mine if he likes.

The third bull starts snorting and stomping and making a big commotion. The two bigger bulls notice this and whisper to him: Are you mad? He’d tear you apart!

The smallest bull replies: he can have all of my cows - I just want to make sure he knows I’m a bull!

A Chinese couple get married … and she’s a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My dowing, I know this you first time, and you aw fwightened. I assure you, I wiw give you anyfhing you want, I wiw do anyfhing you want. What do you want?”

“I want a 69” she replies.

He scratches his head,
“You want beef wif broccoli?”

The dentist tells the lady, “I’m gonna have to pull that tooth.”

The lady says, “Ooooo! I’d rather have a baby!”

The dentist says, “Make up your mind, I gotta adjust the chair.”

A bishop goes to visit a small village to let them know that the Pope is due to visit soon for dinner. While there, he and the local priest go fishing. After a while the priest gets a bite and after a long struggle he finally pulls in a huge, beautiful fish. In his excitement the priest yells out, “Yeah! I caught that sonuvabitch!”

Noticing the bishop’s reproachful glare, the priest, thinking fast, tells the bishop, “No, no, it’s not what you think, that’s the name of this kind of fish, it’s called a sonuvabitch.” The bishop accepts this and they row back to the dock. Once there, the bishop tells the priest, “You caught it, so I’ll clean it.”

He cleans it and the two head back into the village and meet up with a nun. The bishop tells her “Sister, look at this sonuvabitch we caught!”

Receiving the same reproachful look, he quickly tells her, “No Sister, that is the name of this fish, it’s called a sonuvabitch.” She nods and says, “Oh! It’s perfect for the Pope’s visit, I’ll go cook it for our dinner.”

At the table, the priest and the bishop are sitting with the Pope. The nun walks in with the fish on a platter and sets it down on the table. The Pope says, “My, what a lovely fish dinner.”

“I caught the sonuvabitch!” Says the priest.

“I cleaned the sonuvabitch!” Says the bishop.

“I cooked the sonuvabitch!” Says the nun.

The Pope pauses a moment, looks at each of them, and says, “You know what? You motherfuckers are alright!”