Risqué jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

The president of a mining concern heard talk of homosexuality in one of his factories. Being of a different generation, he resolved to fire anyone engaged in such practices. So he traveled to the factory and asked the foreman to assemble anyone who is rumored to be involved. The foreman rounds up three guys, and the president demands to know what each of them does there at the plant.

“I’m the coke stacker,” says the first guy.

“I’m the sock tucker,” says the second.

Then the the third looks around sheepishly. “Yeah. You got me.”

–Cliffy

42

Pierre the Famous French Pilot was entertaining his lady love one evening, they were enjoying a leisurely dinner together.
“Kiss me Pierre” she purred.
Pierre dipped his fingers in red wine, touched them to her lips, and then kissed her passionately.
“Oh Pierre!”
“I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze red meat, I have ze red wine.”
A little while and less clothing later, the lady shows Pierre her impressive expanse of decolletage.
“Kiss me Pierre”
Pierre takes bottle of white wine and dribbles on her, and then kisses her exposed cleavage.
“Ohhhh Pierre!”
“I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze white meat, I have ze white wine.”
A little while and lot less clothing later, the lady lifts her last undergarment.
“Kiss me now Pierre.”
Pierre grabs a bottle of congac and empties in her lap. Then he lights a matches and tosses it in, igniting the alcohol.
“PIERRE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!”
“I am Pierre ze famous French Pilot and when I go down I go down in flames.”

43

I just wanted you to know that it took me this long in the thread to come across one I hadn’t heard before. Well done! Muchas risas!

44

A cot death?

45

Same thing as crib death, I think. Dead baby humor at its finest.

46

A deaf couple get married and everything is great. After a while they realize they each need a way to let the other know if they are interested in sex when the lights are off.

The wife thinks about it and signs, if you want to have sex reach over and squeeze my right breast. If you don’t want to have sex reach over ond squeeze my left breast.

Ok, signs the husband. If you want to have sex reach over and pull my penis. If you don’t want to have sex reach over and pull my penis fifty times.

47

They sure have hardcore fraternities in Alaska.

The way I heard it, it involved a bar bet/ tribal initiation with a lion needing dentistry and a woman who… um… couldn’t orgasm, maybe?

48

For some reason this off-color joke is always the first joke I think of when someone asks me, “Got any jokes?” Somehow I still don’t get to tell it very often…

A man goes on vacation to Las Vegas and is very careful to make sure he doesn’t lose more than he can afford. He pre-pays for his hotel room with a credit card, and after deciding he can afford to lose up to $1,000, brings exactly that amount in cash with him and leaves his credit cards and checkbook at home.

Well, his luck is not very good, and by the end of his trip he has lost every cent that he brought with him. To make things worse, just when he thought he’d planned ahead for this exact scenario, he only realizes after checking out of his hotel and getting into a cab that he forgot to leave himself any money to pay for his ride back to the airport!

“Er, excuse me,” he says to the cabby just as he began pulling out, “I just realized that I left my wallet at home. I have no money, credit cards or checks to pay you with. But if you give me your name and address, when I get home I’ll --”

“What? What do you think, I was born yesterday? No free rides! Get out of my car! Get out, you bum!” The driver slams on the brakes, then goes to the back and throws the man’s luggage out of the trunk onto the ground in front of the hotel. He feels completely humiliated as he scrambles to pick up his bags with everybody staring at him. Fortunately, the cabbie next in line is more sympathetic, and takes him to the airport on an IOU, which he repays in double when he gets home.

Three years later, the man returns to Las Vegas and his luck is very good. As he prepares to return home he sees the same cabbie who ejected him before, fourth in line in the cab stand. When the cabbie doesn’t recognize him, he seizes his chance for revenge.

He gets into the first cab and says, “How much to go to the airport?” “Twenty dollars.”
“Great, I have that and more. In fact, here’s a $100 bill for you if you’ll pull over at a rest stop on the way and suck my dick!”
“What?! You sicko – asshole – get out of my car!”

He gets out and goes to the second and third cabs in the line, repeating the question and getting the same rejection. Finally, he reaches the car with the driver who had kicked him out before.

“How much for a ride to the airport?”
“Twenty dollars.”
“I only have a $100 bill left here, can you break that?”
“Sure I can. Was that what all the fuss was about?”
“Yeah, for some reason you’re the first guy who can!”

And so, as the cab pulled out of line and passed the other cars, the guy flashed his $100 bill, a big smile and a thumbs up to the drivers of the other cabs!

49

A guy sees his friend sporting a huge bandage on his head and two black eyes. “What happened to you?” he asks.
The second guy says, “I got into a fight with O’Reilly.”
The first guy scratches his head. “O’Reilly? He’s not any bigger than you, he must have had something in his hand.”
The second guy replies, “He did, a shovel.”
The first guy asks, “Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”
The second guy says, “I did. Mrs. O’Reilly’s tit. And a beautiful thing it was, though not much use in a fight.”

50

Q. What kind of meat do priests eat on Fridays?
A. None.

51

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, “What’s that for?”

“It’s for your headache.”

“I don’t have a headache.”

He replies, “Gotcha!”

52

(one more… gotta share)

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem,” she complained, “is that it wakes me up.”

53

How do you get a witch pregnant?

You fuck her

54

A man walks into a tavern and to his astonishment sees a horse next to the bar with a huge jar of money in front of the animal.

The man asks the bar tender: “what’s the deal with the horse”?

The bar tender replies:

“If you put in a dollar in and make the horse laugh you get all the money in the jar I’ve had hundreds of guys try and no one has ever won the money.”

The man decides to give it a try puts his money in the jar and goes over to the horse and whispers in it’s ear. The horse starts to giggle and snort then finally laugh and bellow, stop and start laughing again without letting up.

The man takes his winnings and leaves the tavern.

A few weeks later he goes back to the same tavern and again sees the same horse by the bar and another jar of money, but this time the horse keeps laughing with out letting up and the goal this time is to make the horse stop it’s laughter.

The man pays his money again and this time takes the horse into the back room and within a few moments they come out and the horse is sobbing and crying his eyes out.

Satisfied the man goes to collect his winnings and the bartender asks him:

“hey buddy we have to know how did you did it? nobody has ever won this pot and you did it twice.”

The man says he will tell the bartender providing he keeps his tale a secret, the bar tender agrees and the man tells him:

“The first time I told the horse, my dick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him.”

55

How does a hillbilly know when his mom is having her period?

His brother’s dick tastes like blood.

56

A drunk staggered into the men’s room in a bar. A few minutes later the patrons hear a loud yelp from the restroom. The bartender went in and saw the drunk sitting there.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asked.
“Every time I flush this thing it bites me!” whined the drunk.
“No wonder,” said the bartender with a laugh, “You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

57

The first “dirty” joke I ever heard:

Fred: Mary, you’ve got no tits and a too tight box
Mary: Get off my back!

58

Fred and Bert have been friends for decades, and one day Fred comes over to Bert’s house. Bert’s wife, Sadie, lets him in and says that Bert’s not home, but she’s expecting him soon.

Fred and Sadie chat for a while and then Fred says, “You know, Sadie, I’ve always thought you were a beautiful woman.”

Sadie blushes and say, “Don’t be silly, Fred.”

“No, really. You’re very beautiful, and I’ve always wondered what your breasts look like. Would you show me?”

“No, of course, not.”

“I wouldn’t touch you, or anything. I just want to look. Tell you what, I’ll give you $500 if you just let me see your breasts for 30 seconds.”

Sadie thinks for a minute and says, “Just to look, no touching, right?”

Fred says, “Right.”

“Just 30 seconds?”

“That’s all.”

“Well, okay,” Sadie says, and opens her blouse, and shows him.

Fred says, “They really are as beautiful as I thought. Thank you,” and gives her $500.

A little while later he says, “I can’t wait any longer. Tell Bert I came over,” and leaves.

Ten minutes later, Bert comes home, and Sadie says, “Fred came over while you were out.”

Bert says, "Great. Did he give you the $500 he owes me?