Rodent Coalition Attacks - ALERT

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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To: Commander
Northeast Squirrel Defense Forces
05.05.2003

Sitrep: DMZ, Substation Codename “Fairfax”

The People’s Democratic Squirrel Army made another incursion into the DMZ during the last two weeks, interrupting the Communications Apparatus for Broadcasting Level 3 Emergencies
(C.A.B.L.E), raiding stores of nuts and grain, made two attempts on the life of this writer, and possibly stole a 1996 Camaro. Total casualties stand at 2 dead enemy soldiers and one wounded. Defense personnel have escaped with 0 fatalties, though there are wounded personnel deserving of awards for bravery.

There are indications that the PDSA have been recruiting among the other rodent classes in an attempt to infiltrate and subvert our operations. I am saddened to report that this effort has been somewhat successful and that Squirrel operatives managed to co-opt one of the Squirrel Defense personnel. The investigation is ongoing, however it appears that Welbywife has been working for the enemy, perhaps unwittingly.

Report #1
C.A.B.L.E Interruption:

Squirrel operatives apparently managed to break into a C.A.B.L.E broadcasting area and used thier Titanium Death Teeth to chew through some vital communications lines, leaving the Fairfax DMZ station without C.A.B.L.E. for nearly 3 hours. One of the rodent operatives was apprehended on the scene after being injured by electric shock, another died during a failed rescue attempt, having fallen victim to the Rat Trap 3000.

So far interrogation of the surviving operative has revealed little useful information. The rat only squeaks when questioned. The language of the rats is difficult. Linguistics experts from the Fairfax Language Institute have translated the squeakings variously as “Might I have a small amount of cheese, Please?”; “I don’t know anything. I was just hanging out with my friend Paco and the next thing I know I was here”; and lastly “Rotten Opressors of the great Rodent Cause! I will feast on your spleens and leave pellets of my crap in your noses!”

Personally, I beleive that the last translation is the correct one.

Further reports to follow via this message line.

Captain Welby Welberton
Squirrel Defense Force
Fairfax DMZ

2

Oh, crap.

Here we go again.

Just in case anybody doesn’t know what I’m talking about, this looks like a shameless attempt by welby to make Threadspotting again.

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It is posts like these that make me wish that I too lived in welbyworld :slight_smile:

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To: Captain Welby Welberton
Squirrel Defense Force
Fairfax DMZ
05.05.2003

Re: Sitrep Clarification and Update Request

  1. Please provide detailed explanation for enemy penetration, and assessment of your command’s readiness states and any countermeasures undertaken.

  2. Please provide summary of Lt. Welbywife’s complicity in enemy attack, and/or rendering of aid and comfort to said enemy post-action.

  3. Please prepare an intelligence estimate of the level of enemy recruiting among the non-squirrel rodentia, including, wherever possible, exact species and estimated numbers for each, with special emphasis on Battlefield Airborne Tactical Superiority (BATS) forces. You are directed to forward said estimate directly to the G2 officer at this headquarters ASAP.

  4. I remind you again that your monthly a247-136b report is overdue.

Regimental Clerk and Janitor
for Commander
Northeast Squirrel Defense Forces

5

gusting radio static

…read me? Can you read me?

This is Baker Station, we have <unintelligible>.

Repeat, we are surrounded!

growing sound of ominous squeaking, patter of thousands of tiny claws

They’re crackle! They’re in the walls!

Sounds of scuffling, running feet, crashes, thumps, crack of a radio casing shattering

Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with me! HAIL MARY MOTHER OF AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE-

even static

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To: Commander
Northeast Squirrel Defense Forces
05.06.2003

RE: Clarification of earlier report.

Situation One: C.A.B.L.E System Assault

The captured rodent operative who attacked the C.A.B.L.E. system apparently drowned himself last night with the water bottle attached to his cage. The guards performed a routine check on him at midnight, and at 6 A.M. the prisoner was found dead. It’s just as well, since his execution was scheduled for noon today.

Situation Two: Nuts and Grain Theft

The Alexandria Station has reported hordes of Squirrel operatives raiding stores of grain set aside for the Bothersome Interdiction, Reconnasaince, and Destruction Squad (B.I.R.D.S.) forces. Operative GM-89 (AkA My grandma) and her partner GD-90 (AkA My grandpa) have so far met with little success in keeping the PDSA operative from raiding the feeding areas, other than winging one with a GX-49 Spring Action BB Gun.

GD-90 has set upon a plan to electrify the wire leading to the feeding area with a car battery. Results will be reported when obtained. GM-89 requests that headquarters send along a plan that doesn’t involve electricity, since she feels that GD-90 can be a little forgetful at times.

Situation 3: Attempted Assasination of This Writer

Attempt 1: While driving to my patrol area a PDSA operative leapt in front of my tank, apparently expecting that I would swerve out of control and crash. Unfortunately for the operative my lightning quick reflexes were not in operation at the time due to a lack of morning coffee, and I ran the operative down, crushing him under the wheels of my tank.

Attempt 2: While patrolling my assigned daytime area I was assaulted by a squirrel that leapt from a garbage can and onto my arm. My body armor fortunately managed to protect me, and the operative, perhaps seeing the steel in my eye and hearing my piercing battle scream chose to flee instead of fight. Typical cowardly squirrel. I was injured when I did a triple backflip to put distance between the attacker and myself. Please send along the decorations for bravery and being wounded at once.

Situation 4: Squirrel operatives may be responsible for the loss of one 1996 Camaro Recon Vehicle. The vehicle disappeared around midnight on Saturday. Squirrel operatives were seen near the stolen vehicle before its disappearance. Investigation continues.

Situation 5: investigation has revealed that Welbywife has been supplying the enemy with food. She was taken in by rodent operatives from the 29th Guards “Woodchuck” division. Two operatives from this elite group of saboteurs set up camp in the garden of Castle Welby.

Taken in by thier fluffy, relatively cute appearance, Welbywife proceeded to name them “Chip” and “Dale” and place food and treats outside thier camp in an attempt to befriend them.

When her acts of treachery were discovered I immediately destroyed the camp and spent much of the last few nights searching Welbywife very thoroughly for implanted electronics or spy devices. She has so far been free of illicit devices, but nightly inspections will continue.

Further reports will be sent as events warrant.

Captain Welby Welberton
Squirrel Defense Force
Fairfax DMZ

Hey, Ex, you lowlife! I do this for the people, not for the threadspotting! :smiley:

And for people who don’t understand, yes Welbywife was feeding some damn woodchucks, yes a squirrel actually jumped on my arm, yes I ran one of the little bastards down, and yes some damn rats (or something) chewed through the cables for the cable system.

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Hmmmm. . .

Any of “unusual size???”