Northeast Squirrel Defense Forces
Sitrep - Castle Welby
Command Bunker inside Castle Welby.
We have fended off yet another vicious attack from the People’s Democratic Squirrel Army. Their plan was insidious and well executed, and only through the grace of Og and the quick thinking of the wounded welbywife were we able to prevail.
A commando team of squirrels infiltrated Castle Welby at approximately 9:03 AM EST. They avoided detection by perimeter sensors by stripping off their usual combat armor and slipping into the compound wearing only their skivvies. The teams immediately spread out to cause as much damage as possible.
Team 1, a lone commando, made it up the stairs and into the mess hall, which was guarded by two sentries, Sgt. William Shakespeare and PFC Pandora. I regret to report that Sgt. Shakespeare was asleep at his post, though PFC Pandora used her built-in alarm system to alert the household guards.
Team 2 made their way to Princess Welbydaughter’s bedroom, where they proceeded to crap on the rug and generally make a mess of her room. Damage assessments are difficult at this time because the state of the Princess’ room is usually compared to the results of a tornado in a trailer park.
The rest of the household guard, consisting of Queen Welbywife and Prince Welbyson responded immediately to the alarms raised by Sgt. William Shakespeare and PFC Pandora (Barkmeister 2000), as well as the alarm raised by the Princess (GirlyScream-A-Tron 2001).
Queen Welbywife immediately alerted the Hostage Rescue Team, and I traveled from my station at the office to effect the release of hostages and elimination of the intruders.
My first view of the scene revealed that quick thinking by the Queen managed to trap Team Two in their area of operations. She quickly closed the squirrel-proof doors and sealed them. Ominous sounds could be heard from within.
The mess hall guards treed Team One at the top of the book case in the Billiard Room. Apparently Team One fought viciously, since the room was littered with debris, though the guards did not appeared to be injured in any way. Their reports are forthcoming, but both guards swear that they had nothing to do with the destruction of anything knocked off of the book cases. Forensics is testing the teeth marks to be sure that both guards are cleared of any wrongdoing.
I quickly threw a blanket over the Squirrel Commando and captured him. Actually, for the sake of accuracy, this officer must state that he missed the first three times, though he is fairly certain that the vase falling was not caused by miss number two. I finally captured the commando, and disposed of him outside, in the Squirrel Relocation Area.
Team Two was forced out of the Castle in a bloody action that resulted in several injuries. First, the HRT team placed barriers leading from the Princess’ room to the rear exit of the Castle. Guards were posted behind the barriers and armed with sleeping bags.
This officer, at grave risk to life and limb, then entered the occupied area, armed with a blanket. Per training and instructions, the blanket was held in front, and unfortunately managed to obscure the first object to cause an injury, namely the footstool used by Princess Welbydaughter to paint her toenails. In point of fact, I tripped over it, barking my shin and exposing myself to enemy fire.
The Team Two Commandos were stunned by my assault entry and were too surprised to react immediately, so I’m glad to say that I escaped certain death at their paws. One of the Commandos, showing typical cowardice, abandoned his comrade immediately and was forced out of the castle door. The other commando avoided all of my attacks, mainly by hiding under the bed.
An application of the Broomstick Mark V to the underside of aforementioned bed managed to dislodge the commando, who bolted through the door, but in the wrong direction. In my zeal to pursue the attacker, I managed to step on a land mine (Note to self, next time move the damn footstool), thus barking my other shin and causing much mirth amongst the rest of the guard detail.
The last Commando scurried over my injured self, and made a break for the door, where he escaped before being questioned. Upon conclusion of my assault mission, I helped the rest of the team put back the barricades, which left a splinter in my right pinky finger.
Investigation of the security measures revealed that the Princess left open a window in her room. She was airing it out after a Perfume Incident. She has been admonished and has promised to be more aware of security in the future.
Diagrams and other intelligence information is attached. Please ensure that the decorations for the Purple Heart are processed immediately.
Commander, Hostage Response Team
Capt. Welby Welberton