Yeah, I married after knowing him for 10 months.
As for when the OP’s divorce was final, well, it can take a long time for a divorce to be finalized. That doesn’t mean the recovery from the breakup starts the day the divorce is final.
What makes me nervous is that they aren’t on the same page–no matter what page it is–and haven’t been discussing that the whole time.
Of course not. What kind of bizarro world are you from?
Relationship advice on this forum has a fairly even signal to noise ratio. Some proportion of people won’t understand your situation, some will just insist that they would never be in it themselves, some will take the other person’s side just to be contrary, some will have ideological axes to grind, some won’t realize that they benefited from good luck when they were in your situation, some won’t realize that they were cursed with bad luck, some won’t accept any relationship pattern that deviates from the traditional, some won’t accept any relationship pattern that doesn’t deviate from the traditional, some will think that their way is the only way, some won’t realize that their ways sucks, and some will be 15 year olds who have never so much as been kissed. Thankfully that leaves about half to give you variations on the same sensible advice (in this case, what you did). So try not to get too bothered by things that seem a bit off.
Good luck to you. Sometimes the smart play hurts in the short term (hmm, and the medium term. hell sometimes even the long term ain’t always looking so hot). But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the best course.
Excellent question. In my opinion, it’s not the wanting itself that makes people’s personalities shift when they’re waiting for something they really really want, it’s what they feel is keeping that thing from them: in this case, you. It’s hard when you’ve been waiting for something a long time and you’ve convinced yourself it’s right within your grasp, then you see it get snatched away. I’m not saying it’s logical, I’m not saying it’s acceptable, but it is a pretty natural way to react.
Look at it this way: she probably figured that when the two of you moved in together after what could be considered a short amount of time, that you were on the “fast track” to marriage. She saw the “goal posts” at a certain spot on the path the two of you started traveling down together. All of the sudden, when those goal posts began to get close, in her eyes, you picked them up and moved them which she saw as unfair. I know “goal posts” is a horrible analogy to make here but I’m halfway through my coffee and don’t quite have the brainpower to think of something better. She’s going to need some time to adjust to those goal posts having been moved, since she had no say in it and is probably feeling a little helpless about the whole situation right now. That’s not to say what you did was wrong. You should absolutely not do anything you’re not ready to do. I’m just trying to explain where she might be coming from.
The mistake here was moving in together without discussing marriage first. Obviously, moving in together meant something entirely different to each of you, which can be a recipe for disaster. Ask yourself this: you say you want to be more than boyfriend/girlfriend. The two of you already live together. If you want to take your relationship up a notch, there’s really only one place left to go. I think it may be time to discuss realistic timelines for your relationship. While you don’t deserve to be forced into a situation you’re not comfortable with, she deserves to know what kind of realistic expectations she can have about your relationship.
Did she perhaps think that you were waiting for your divorce to become final before getting engaged to her? The timing seems a little coincidental.
I think both of these are part of what’s going on with her. I don’t think you did anything wrong, Anachronism; I think you may have just been a bit tone deaf.
I’m pretty much with this. You like the relationship like it is – do you have some responsibility to talk to her about NOT changing it? I don’t think so. If she thinks it needs to go to another level, it’s on her to talk to you.
This is the wimps way out. He knows she is expecting engagement. Given the objective status of their relationship (living together, going on a romantic getaway for their one year anniversary), that’s not an unreasonable expectation. If that’s not what he wants, he needs to discuss that with her. That is the responsible thing to do. It should’ve been discussed prior to moving in together, but it wasn’t, so it clearly needs to be addressed now. Why is it any more her responsibility than his to bring it up?
It’s up to the person who wants a change to bring it up.
And she’s NOT a wimp? She’s been saying things to his friends about getting married, but nothing to him? What kind of anal retentive passive aggressive proto-facist bullshit is that??
Women get a lot of pressure to say nothing and let the man take the lead with respect to proposals. Anything more than passively waiting in silence is considered pressuring the man or nagging him. She might have assumed a proposal was coming post divorce, since they moved in together quite quickly and he’s planning a romantic getaway and didn’t want to ruin it by questioning him about it.
Knowing her expectations don’t align with his and still not saying anything, knowing full well she’s going to end up woefully disappointed at the end of their vacation is not only a wimpy thing to do, it’s also mean and bordering on disrespectful.
Anachronism, the biggest mistake you made in this relationship was listening to the nosy hand wringers of this board. You should have kept your mouth shut and done nothing. The surprise party would have gone on without a hitch. And, the romantic getaway would have been the best trip ever.
On returning home when the waterworks started your simple response could have been “why buy the cow when I get the milk for free? Ah, that gondola ride provided a lot of milk, huh?” Pointing at her and mouthing the word “You” after you said cow, and pointing at your favorite body part of hers after you said milk. That might have helped.
If you were dead set on letting her know another thing you could have done is edited all the surprise party posters so they said “Surprise! (I’m not ready to marry you.)”. The party wouldn’t have been ruined, yet you would still have been able to tell her your feelings.
Oh well. That is all water under the bridge now.
As much as it sucks that she is upset and things feel fragile. It seems, to me, that it is all for the best that this is all out in the open. If things are going to continue the relationship will probably be stronger since you both are more aware of the other’s viewpoint on the future, and also more likely to actually talk about things and not attempt to mindread (hopefully)
Man, I feel like I keep bringing this up in various threads, but I see it as a repeating theme in my real life and on the board. Why, people, do you move in together as a matter of convenience? Why did she present it as such, why did you accept it as such (not that you’re a dick for believing her, you just sound a little naive, which isn’t a crime). Or, worse, why did she present it as convenience when she had ulterior motives? Nobody should be moving in together unless they are exactly both on the same page about things - and usually, one person definitely wants to get married in the not-too-distant future, but the “hey, let’s share a place, it’s easier!” appeals so much more to the other party.
Ding ding ding! The mistake here was moving in together without discussing marriage first.
Lezlers, you and I have gone back and forth about this in another thread IIRC. What gets people into trouble is one side wants something more (usually marriage, or marriage + babies) and the other is happy with the status quo. The solution isn’t to move in together, it’s to talk it out and get on the same page before moving on.