When our youngest (now almost 17) was little…until she was around two years old, she still had whispy fine hair. People in lines, at the mall, wherever, would always comment on how fine her hair was. I didn’t like having to talk with these well-meaning strangers who always brought up her hair, so I taught the little one to look up at them and say, in her sweet little voice, “Chemotherapy.”
The looks we got were priceless.
It just dawned on me that since the baby was in a shopping card, the lady might have meant, “What were you thinking bringing them all to the supermarket?”
“We’re Erisians”.
“I was thinking I’ve done it five more times than you.”
Okay, maybe not that last one.
I was thinking with my vagina.
Faster, faster, faster every…single,time.
“Well, I was thinking that I needed more money, and 'ya know how welfare pays 'ya fifty-two bucks for every kid, right? So I told my ex-boyfriend to come over and…”
Miss Manners recommends saying “How kind of you to say!” in response to idiotic/rude questions. (E.g. “Wow, your baby is really ugly!”)
This way, if the person meant it kindly, they will be happy with your response, and if they meant it unkindly, they will be embarassed, and yet will be able to save face. Either way, you look good.
Not QUITE on topic, but sort of. I read of a woman who was out with her six children and someone said, “Wow. SIX? I’m glad they’re not mine.” She replied, “Yes, they’re glad they’re not yours, too.”
Wouldn’t you want to be polite? That would be… “Fuck you very much”
I might say " My brother and I just couldn’t stop at one or two."
For any rude comment on any topic my favorite rejoinder is:
“That’s the most stunningly impolite thing I’ve ever heard. Was that deliberate, or are you just stupid?”
It usually shuts them right up.
Despite the above comment I’m not usually a hostile sort; I’m more likely to think the other person is just inarticulate or was trying, and failing, to be funny. But when the intent is clear, zap 'em.
The key to being witty isn’t a quick wit, but rather a good memory. When you finally think of what you wished you’d said, remember it. The situation, or a similar one, will arise again. And when it does, you’re prepared.
Some people feel they must say everything that pops into their heads. They haven’t learned the fine art of keeping your mouth shut.
I liked the raising them for meat comment.
My husband just heard a rude one today. He (or rather I) shaved his head yesterday. Just a bit of stubble on top. It’s worth noting that less than a year ago, he had hair down his back. Then he got it cut to a Matt Damon-like short haircut several months ago. Yesterday he removed all of it (and considered going full bald).
Anyway, the co-worker said, “I hope you’re going to grow it back out.” I told him he should’ve responded (purely for shock value): “No, and I’m going to have a swastika tattooed on my forehead soon.”
Along the same line: “We heard sex was good for birth control, so we fuck and fuck, but they just keep popping out.”
I love the “raising them for meat” line.
I figure it’s better than being a lonely old maid.
(rim-shot please)
Or …
If she has children with her …
I can see why you stopped.
1 - And who is going to ake care of you in your old age?
2 - We miscalculated. We thought that 4 smart children were enough to offset your idiocy but you were a force to be reckoned with. We had to bring things back to neutral with this one (point to baby)…
ummm…that was supposed to be take, not ake…
Throwing head back and closing eyes:
“Yes – Yes – OH GOD YESSSSS!”
Daniel
I have 4 sisters and a brother, which makes 6 kids for mom and dad. For some reason, people felt like they could make cracks to mom about it (funny, no one ever said anything to dad). Mom always said the best gift she could think of to give her kids was a big family. Not witty, but hearfelt. All of us are very close to this day, ages 40 to 54.
I agree with cowgirl but I also agree that saying something like “That is very rude” is appropriate in something like this. Also turn to the children present and say “This is a good lesson. This lady is very rude and we are not going to be like her.” Some people just need to learn manners, think before they talk, something…
We have an assistant Sunday School teacher at church who has 7 kids! They are all great kids too.
My favorite response to that specific type of comment (number of children) is “You can tell I like to fuck a lot, huh?”
Other responses:
“We’ve decided it’s medical experiments for the lot of them.” (Monty Python)
(When stepping aside to show the baby) “I picked this one up in housewares. Whaddaya think, too small?”
“I was thinking that I wouldn’t want to fuck you either.”