Read about The Aristocrats here, if you dare.
Good one, Cervaise
A woman, who happens to be blonde, comes in from the golf course to the clubhouse. She goes up to the first employee she sees, who happens to be the club pro, and says, “I was stung by a wasp when I was out on the course.”
The pro says to her, "Where were you stung?’
“Between the first and second holes.”
“Well,” he says,“I’ll call the head groundskeeper to investigate.”
Why does a blonde put white-out on her computer screen?
To correct her mistakes.
Why did the blonde open the car door after sex?
To turn the light on.
Why did the blonde ask 4 guys who they were?
She had just had sex with them the night before and didn’t remember.
The next day the dead man’s brother came to the cathedral to apply for the job. Right before he struck the bell, however, he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the spot.
A bystander asked, “Did anyone get his name?”
Another guy responded, “No, but he looks an awful lot like his brother.”
A fall-down drunk stumbles up the stairs to his bedroom carrying a pig.
He throws the pig down on the bed and says, “See what I have to have sex with when you’re not here!”
His wife says, “You have sex with a pig when I’m not here?”
The drunk then corrects his wife politely as to whom he was directing
his remarks.
Strewth, well I suppose that joke was a bannable offence 
Doctor doctor, there’s a fly in my soup.
Who’s there?
One half is both the same.
The way Isaac Asimov told it, somebody shouts a number, and everyone goes into incredible paroxysms of laughter–sheer pandemonium for several minutes.
The one guy asks his friend why that one was so much funnier.
“Well, no one’s ever told that one before…”
My entry:
Three explorers, an English man, a Frenchman, and an American, are lost in the jungle. They are soon captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to speak to them. “Well, we are going to eat you, and use your skins to make a canoe, but we’re good sports, you know. We’ll let you choose your own method of death.”
The British man asks for and receives his gun, with one round. He stands, shouts “God save the Queen!” and blows his brains out. The cannibals quickly skin him, and throw the meat and bones into the stew pot.
The Frenchman asks for a knife. He stands, shouts “Vive le France!” and slits his throat. Again, the cannibals quickly skin him and throw what’s left in the pot.
The American makes a break for the river, but is quickly brought down with spears and arrows.
The American asks for a fork. He stands, shouts “FUCK your goddamned canoe!” and begins stabbing himself all over. (This joke works best if the teller pantomimes the actions.)
Didja hear the one about the Polish girl who traded her menstrual cycle in for a baby?
Didja hear the one about the gay Polak? He slept with other gay Polaks, or sometimes Hungarians.
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, “Clearance: 3.8 m.” So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it’s 3.9 m high. So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken that left turn at Bialystok.”
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got a mince pie growing on my arm.
Doctor: Don’t worry, I can give you some custard for that.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I’ve got some jelly in one ear and some custard in the other.
Doctor: I think you’re a little bit deaf.
Patient: Doctor, recently I started eating snooker balls - I had five reds and a blue for breakfast, another five reds and a yellow for lunch and a black, a pink and a brown for dinner, but now I’m feeling unwell.
Doctor: Well it’s obvious - snooker balls aren’t food, that’s why you’re not feeling well.
Question: Why did the Avon lady smile?
Answer: Because Shiseido
Okay, this may be really obscure so better tell you the reall answer: Because Max Factor (say it out loud)
A guy walks into a bar. A lady sitting at the bar asks the bartender, “You know that guy?”. The bartender replies, “Nope”.
A priest and a rabbi hop into a bar. No that’s not it. Hold on, I have to call my brother.
A horse walks into a barn…
A kangaroo, polar bear, and a camel walk into a zoo.
How did the moron try to kill a fish? He replaced its gills with mammalian lungs tried to drown it in the sea.
2 teams composed of members of ethnic groups that are the traditional butts of these type of jokes decided to play a football game. Whichever side lost would agree to be the subject of these jokes from then on. The field they played on was beside a train track. the teams played for 30 days and neither scored.
On the 31st day a train came by and blew its whistle. The first team thought that meant the game was over and went home. The other team decided to go home too because it was too easy to score without opposition.
The funny thing about this is that something like this happened in real life. The USSR national soccer team was drawn against Chile in a World Cup qualifyer not long after the coup that ousted Allende and installed Pinochet in power. The soviets, who had a mediocre team that year, declared that they would not play in the National Stadium since it was used to house prisoners during the coup. Many foreign jpurnalists argued that the quality of the Soviet team had more than a little to do with the political stand taken. The Soviets didn’t want to go to Santiago and get beaten. FIFA rules don’t grant a forfeit if one team does not show, and the Soviets didn’t. The other team must take the field and score a goal before the forfeit can be declared. The Chilean team took the pitch and duly scored into the empty goal.
The Soviet journalists, when they filed their reports, listed the time of the goal as 10 minutes after the kickoff. In essence saying the Chilean team was so bad that it couldn’t even score when unopposed. The Soviets were never noted for their sense of humor but they had their moments.
How do they separate the men from the boys in the Greek Navy?
They have a minimum enlistment age of 18.
With crowbars.
What does an Italian helicopter sound like?
The big rotor makes a big noise and the little rotor makes a little noise.
The big rotor goes WOPWOPWOPWOP and the little rotor goes guineaguineaguineaguinea.
Did you hear about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
They have both Tsingtao and Paulaner Pils on tap.
An hour later you’re hungry for power.
Tasteless edition.
Q: Why do chicks like Jesus?
A: Because many believe that he was the Son of God and through him they can gain everlasting life.
Q: What’s the difference between Sloan Kettering and the Mets?
A: Cancer is a horrible disease and the Mets are a New York baseball team.
Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A: Millions of years of erosion of the Colorado River into the sedimentary rocks of the surrounding terrain.
Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of dead babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
A: Bowling balls, simply due to the emotional trauma and biohazardous conditions associated with a truck full of dead babies. Also, due to the density of bowling balls, there would probably be fewer of them and therefore less bulk. Lastly, bowling balls have convenient holes for the fingers.
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: You probably should counsel her, offer her a safe haven, and refer her to the nearest domestic violence shelter.
Q: Why shouldn’t you give a woman a watch?
A: Actually watches make very nice gifts.
Q: What does the Aggie girl scream during sex?
A: Probably some variant of “oh” or “yeah.”
BTW, I triply ruined that Mets joke.
(bows)
Q: What’s the difference between Sloan Kettering and Shea Stadium?
A: Sloan Kettering is a cancer hospital and Shea Stadium is a baseball stadium where the Mets play.
(true answer = Mets always win at Sloan Kettering)
I really shouldn’t be posting this late…