How many Vulcans you need to screw a light bulb?
None, Vulcans don’t exist.
What’s the difference between Jurassic Park and IBM?
One’s a place where people pay money to be terrified by huge ancient machinery, and the other’s an international corporation.
What do you call cheese that’s somebody else’s?
Not your cheese.
(I had a friend in high school who would consistently tell this as “What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?” :smack: )
A mailman who’s retiring is going around on his last day saying goodbye to the neighborhood he has served for years. Many people have presents or envelopes of money to give him, but when gets to one house, a young woman wearing slinky lingerie answers the door, invites him inside, and proceeds to have fabulous sex with him. After they’ve finished, she cooks him a huge spread of a breakfast, and he eats it contentedly. As he gets up, she hands him a single dollar bill.
“What’s this for?” he asks.
“Oh,” she says, “it’s for that postage due package you delivered last week. Thanks”
A mechanic, an electrician, and a computer programmer are in a car when all of a sudden the driver loses control of the vehicle and it runs off the road. Luckily, none of them are hurt, so they get out to inspect the vehicle. After a quick diagnosis, the mechanic offers his opinion: “Looks like the gears in the steering column are missing some teeth.”
“Well,” say the other two, “it’s a good thing we had a mechanic with us!”
A busload of ugly people are granted one wish apiece by a genie. Going down the line, each one wishes to become a beautiful person. As they are proclaiming their wishes, the guy at the back of the bus starts to get a huge grin on his face. By the time the genie gets to him, he is smiling with delight. “What’s so funny?” asks the genie.
“This is fantastic,” says the guy. “I always wanted to be beautiful too.”
A man in a bar bets the bartender $1000 that he can pee the entire length of the bar and get all the urine in one pint glass without spilling a drop. The bartender agrees: “There’s no way you can do that.” The man pulls it out and proceeds to piss all over the entire bar, hardly getting any in the glass.
“Well, you lost. Pay up,” says the bartender.
“Here,” says the man, handing over the money. “I’m so sorry, and I made a fool of myself, too. I shouldn’t gamble when I’ve been drinking.”
One cow turned to another and asked, “Hey, are you worried about this Mad Cow disease that’s going around?” The other cow replied, “Yes.”
Q: How do you know when a drummer’s platform is level?
A: One of many ways. You could measure the distance from the floor to the top of the platform on all four sides. If all the measurements are the same, the platform is level. Alternately, you can just take a large level (as seen here), lay it across the platform, and determine if the ‘bubble’ is centered between the two lines.
Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
A: Ask him (or her) to stop. If this approach does not work, you may opt for a more extreme measure, such as unplugging their amplifier.
Q: What’s the difference between cello and a violin?
A: While the two instruments do share a basic look, they are easily recognizable as one is much larger than the other.
Q: What’s better than roses on a piano?
A: A blowjob!
Priceless!
I can’t believe that in 8 pages nobody has said :
Why are people from India no good at soccer?
Because their national sport is Kabbadi.
… which goes to show that if you live in a grass hut you shouldn’t store heavy objects on the roof.
This one actually happened to me
My friend : … so the tourist asked the Indian, “what did you have for breakfast seven years and three months ago” and the Indian told him. So five years later …
** me : ** :smack:
my friend : ** … and the Indian said “scrambled”
** everyone : 
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was searching for shit.
bad puns?
he kissed her in the fog and mist…
she wouldn’t let him kiss her in the canoe so he paddled her back…
a termite walks into a bar and says “is the bar tender here?”
a depressed horse walks into a bar and sits down, the bartender asks “why the long face”?
There was once a very famous concert pianist, who was as famous for being very picky about what he played as he was for his music. A special concert was planned for Radio City Music Hall in NYC, and all the arrangements were made months in advance. The night before the concert, the pianist sat down to test the piano, and almost immediately jumped up, shouting in outrage. “I will not play this sorry excuse for a piano! It’s horrible!” he yelled.
Eventually the stage manager calmed him down and the pianist explained that the piano was out of tune. Now, the expert technical team had spent considerable time ensuring that the piano was perfectly pitched, but the pianist would have none of it. He demanded that the equally world famous piano tuner named Opperknockety be flown in to fix the problem. Now, Opperknockety was residing in his California home, and the stage manager had to call him and persuade him, using the show’s budget, to fly out and see what he could do. So Opperknockety flew to NYC and made the pianist happy, and the concert went swimmingly.
The next year, the famous pianist was giving a concert at the Opera House in Sydney, and once again all the plans were made well in advance, and once again the technical crew spent days perfecting the instrument, and once again when the pianist tested the piano he was outraged that he be expected to play on such shoddy equipment. He was absolutely insistent that Opperknockety be brought in, even though he was vacationing in the French Riviera. Reluctantly, the stage manager called Opperknockety and requested his services. Unfortunately for the pianist, the response was: “Opperknockety only fixes pianos once!”
A man came up to me and told me he hadn’t had a bite in weeks. So I took him out to dinner.
A duck walks into a hardware store and asks, “Got any grapes?” The owner of the store tells him, “No!” The duck replies, “I didn’t think so,” and leaves. He never came back.
Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep?
I don’t know. In a jungle, I guess.
What’s grosser than gross?
Grosserer.
How do you top a car?
Raise the convertible roof.
(Tep on the brake, tupid.)
Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?
A: Several, because they are different from you and I and I find them unusual.
Great addition after 2 years. :rolleyes:
Oh, um, MODERATOR, please lock this one down before it springs back to life!!
Q: Why did the zombie thread come back to life?
A: Because somebody posted without checking the date first.
I am glad this thread showed up,I’m only on post 38 and laughing my ass off.
What did the hurrican say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your balls, this ain’t no ordinary blow job.
[hold on to your nuts, this aint no ordinary blow job]
Crap. I didn’t realize before I posted. I would not have posted. :smack:
Sorry folks.