Guy goes to his doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor tells him he has some good news and some bad news. The guy asks what the bad news is and the doctor says, “You’re going to die within a few weeks.”
The guy asks, “What’s the good news?” The doctor says, “What?”
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
1:30-ish
A girl walks into a doctor’s office with an apple in her ear and a banana up her nose. The doctor says “That’s not the way you’re supposed to eat those things.”
A guy walks into a restaurant and says “I’m feeling really grouchy. Will you serve me?”
The hostess says “Sure, we don’t care if you’re grouchy.”
A snail went to an auto dealer and asked for the fastest car on the lot. The dealer pointed him to a brand new Dodge Viper, cherry red.
“This car tops out at 200 mph. 0-60 in 3.2 seconds” said the dealer.
“I’ll take it,” said the snail. “And I want you to paint a great big letter S on both doors.”
“Why would you want that?” inquired the salesman.
“Because,” explained the snail, “When I’m zooming down the street, I want everyone to say 'Wow! Look at speed of that car with the S on it!”
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Condoleeze Rice are flying on Air Force One. It doesn’t develop any mechanical problems and lands safely at Andrews Air Force Base.
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
Because he got solidly-manufactured goods at a premium price.
Two men walking down the road spotted a dog licking himself.
“I wish I could do that,” said the first guy.
“Do what?” asked the second.
“Lick my own balls,” said the first.
“Yeah,” replied the second. “That would really rock.”
Two guys walked face-first into an iron bar suspended at about eye level. Fortunately, another guy who was with them managed to duck.
If you are American when you wake up in the morning and African when you are taking a shower, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
African-American
Quasi Modo died, so they had to get someone else to ring the bell. A guy with no arms applied for the job. “How can you ring the bell with no arms?”, asked the hiring guy. “I hit it with my face”, said the applicant. So they went up to the tower and the guy with no arms smashed his face into the bell. The bell rang. He then fell out of the tower.
On the ground, someone asked if anyone knew him. Another guy answered “No, but his face looks familiar. I’ve seen him before.”
“Maybe we should just get girlfriends.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were completely surrounded by thousands of Indians wearing war paint and shouting. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and asks, “Tonto, how are we going to get out of this fix?” Tonto replies, “I have no idea.”
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interupting Cow
Interupting Cow who?
Moo !
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
A multiple amputee.
A panda goes into a restuarant and orders a salad. When he is done eating, he shoots his waiter. When the waiter asks the panda why he shot him, the panda tells him to look it up the dictionary. The waiter finds the entry for “panda”.
Pandas: A mammal native to southeast asia. Eats the roots of the bamboo plant.
Old lady Wilson answers the door to find a very sad looking man. “I’m sorry,” the man says, “I just ran over your cat. I’d like to make it up to you by replacing it.”
Old lady Wilson replies, “What makes you think you can just ‘replace’ my only companion for the last ten years, you insensitive prick?! Go to hell!”
Your Mama’s so fat, I’m worried she may have a thyroid problem.
Descartes went into a bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender asked, “Would you like another?”
“No, thank you,” said Descartes.
Then he left.
Q: What’s the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet?
A: I dunno, what’s a gnu with you?
What has four wheels, and there are a lot of flies buzzing around it?
A garbage truck! Because flies like garbage.