A monk said to a hot dog vendor, “Make me a hot dog with every topping on it.”
A woman with no arms and no legs was on the beach, crying. A man walked up to her and asked what was wrong. “I’ve never been with a man,” she cried. “I’ve never had anyone make love to me, never been intimate, never had sex.”
The man picked her up and threw her into the ocean. He yelled out after her, “Now you’re in trouble!”
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?
He was tossing it to a friend.
My sister is so fat that when she sits around the house, she takes up a lot of space.
What’s big and red and eats rocks?
A large, red steamshovel.
What’s the difference between a bunch of smart pygmies and a woman’s track team? One’s a group of short people . . . .
What’s black and white and red all over?
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And went to sleep
Somethingawful.com did an entire series of these.
Here’s one I saw in Maxim:
Q: What do you call a black man who flies a plane for a living?
A: A pilot, you f*cking racist.
Why?
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office completely naked, wrapped in saran wrap.
The psychiatrist looks up and says, “Due to the transparent nature of that cellophane, your testicles are plainly visible.”
What’s the first thing a woman says after reaching orgasm?
“Mmm, that was terrific!”
Because, otherwise, you could hurt yourself.
A frayed knot walks into a bar…
There once was a man from Nantucket.
Later, he moved to Norfolk.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The batender says to him, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “Yeah, Grasshoppers are my favorite drink. Can I have one please?”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, are you upset about something?”
The psychiatrist told Mickey Mouse, “I’m sorry, I cannot commit your girlfriend on your word that she is insane.”
“I didn’t say she was insane!” yelled Mickey. “I said she was having sex with Goofy!”
What does a blonde say after sex?
“Do you play football?”
A group of nuns are redecorating their convent, and they take off their clothes so they won’t get paint on their habits. They hear a knock on the door, and yell “Who’s there?” The person at the door replies “Blind man”, so they let him in and give a hot meal.
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?
Because they are at a point in life where they are mature enough to engage in conversations that don’t center around sex.
The actual joke punchline is: because there are 20 of them!
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: Right, certainly do.
Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names. Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.
Costello: Wow, those are unusual names. It must get confusing trying to explain that to people.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
Because he was mean and had no respect for the property of others.
How can you tell if an elephant’s been in your fridge?
Because it’s severly damaged. Elephants are very strong animals.
What’s black and white and red all over?
An old photograph that someone has spilled red paint on.
This is easily the funniest thread I have ever read. Now that’s irony for you.
Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
It’s a requirement of his union contract.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A terrible tragedy.
Two lions are eating a clown. One of the lions turns to the other and says “Does this have an off taste?”
“Hey, it’s me, Dave”
“Hey, Dave. Come on in”
“Who’s on first?”
“Oh, I see. Very good”
A man uses magic to make a statue comes to life. The the man asks the statue what he’d like to do with his new life. The statue replies “I actually liked being a statue. Change me back, asshole”
A Rabbi, A Priest and a Minister walk into a bar. They all have a great time and retire after a few drinks.
A Rabbit, A Priest and a Minister are trying to decide how much to give to charity. They argue about using a circle and throwing coins as a detemining method, but instead decide to give as much as they can.
Hitler:“My Dog has no nose”
Stormtroopers:“I bet it’s sense of smell is very poor”
Hitler has them all shot.
Wait a second…
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was covered with salt.
Two men go to the toliet and talk about sports, because talking about penis length would be construed as being gay.