Take my wife, for example.
What word begins with F and ends with UCK? “fuck”.
It would be nice to know the actual punch lines to these jokes. I don’t recognize some of them.
String walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve strings here!” So the string goes outside, sits on the curb, and sulks.
A fella walks up to him and says, “Hey little string, what’s troubling you?” The string told him about the bartender kicking him out of the bar. The fella then says “I have an idea, little guy!” So he ties the little string into a knot, frayed out his ends, and sends him back in.
The string goes back up to the bar and the bartender says “Hey, aren’t you the string I kicked out of here a second ago?” And the string replies “No, you must be thinking of someone else.”
(Nope, I’m a fraaaaayed knot!)
How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Probably only one. He may need a footstool if he is short.
(A fish!)
A huge crowd had gathered as Jesus was nailed to the cross. As Jesus surveyed the crowd he saw St. Peter at the back.
He strained to call to him, “Peter, Peter”.
Peter tried to get through the crowd, pushing people as he went.
Still Jesus cried, “Peter,Peter”.
”I’m coming Lord” shouted Peter as he worked his way through the crowd. Eventually he reached the foot of Jesus’s cross, and asked “What is it Lord?”
And Jesus said “My hands hurt.”
(I can see your house from here.)
A business man married a nymphomaniac. It was a good life, but he had to make sure to give her a good, hard rogering every other day or she would go crazy and screw around on him. One day his boss let him know that he would need to go on a business trip for a whole week. The business man didn’t know what to do—if he went on the trip his wife would surely cheat on him, but if he didn’t go on the trip he may lose his job. He told his boss he needed to talk it over with his wife, and drove home mulling over his problem.
On the drive home he noticed a Voodoo shop. Thinking they might have a potion or spell to help quell his wife’s sex drive, the business man stopped in. After he explained his conundrum, the shopkeeper took him to a back room and brought in a smallish box. Opening it he revealed a severed dick! “Oh, no! That’s not at all what I had in mind!” said the business man. But the shopkeeper sat him down and addressed the dick: “Voodoo Dick, cat!” The Voodoo Dick leapt out of the box, zoomed over to the cat, and started screwing the cat up against the wall! The business man was duly impressed. The shopkeeper then commanded: “Voodoo Dick, stop!” and the Voodoo Dick stopped, pulled out, and came to rest gently back in its box. The shopkeeper demonstrated a few more times, “Voodoo Dick, dog!” “Voodoo Dick, that guy in the corner!” and every time brought it back to the box with a simple “Voodoo Dick, stop!” The man bought the Voodoo Dick and drove home eager to show it to his wife.
His wife, of course, was understandably apprehensive about the whole situation. To put her mind at ease, the business man demonstrated again: “Voodoo Dick, cat!” and their cat got the rogering of her nine little lives. “Voodoo Dick, stop!” The dick dutifully lays back in its box. The wife promised she would consider using the Voodoo Dick if she was tempted to stray, but as soon as he left quickly hid it under her bed and put it out of her mind.
That is, until 72 hours had passed and she was going out of her mind. She hadn’t gone that long without sex since Junior High and was about to explode. She went back to her bedroom and took the Voodoo Dick box out from under her bed, then took the Voodoo Dick to the sink and gave it a good scrubbing. Then she got naked on the bed and said “Voodoo Dick, me.” The dick flew up and started screwing her like crazy! She had never been banged like that before!
Hours and hours passed, and she began to tire and chafe. She said “Voodoo Dick, I’m done.” But the Voodoo Dick continued. She pleaded “Voodoo Dick, quit it!” but it persevered. She begged “Voodoo Dick, enough already!” but it would not stop! “Oh no!” She thought, “I’ve forgotten the magic words!”
Panicking now, she pulled the Voodoo Dick out from inside her and threw it against the wall. But the Voodoo Dick was not to be stopped so easily! It came flying back at her! She screamed and ran out of the bedroom, into the garage and sped off in her jeep with the Voodoo Dick in hot pursuit!
Now, imagine if you will, that you are a cop. Imagine you see a naked woman driving a jeep, flying wildly past 80 mph down a residential street. Of course she gets pulled over. The cop saunters up to the jeep and says to her “Now lookie here, little lady. Just what do you think you were doing?” The lady starts babbling wildly “Officer! You have to let me go! Voodoo Dick is after me! It won’t leave me alone! Voodoo Dick won’t stop! You gotta let me go! Voodoo Dick, Voodoo Dick, Voodoo Dick!” So the cop says, “Well that just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever!”
(“Voodoo Dick, my ass!)
It’s slang meaning “oral sex,” same as in town.
Y’know, I should have something clever to say here…but I got nuthin’.
There was a Roman farmer who grew a gigantic strawberry. People came from all over the Empire to marvel at it. One day the Legion came and confiscated the fruit. (“We’re here to seize your berry, not praise it.” [actual quote is “I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”])
How does this one really go? I’ve heard several similar jokes, but none that quite match.
OK, in the spirit of the thread:
Two men are in the doctor’s office, talking about why they’re there.
‘I woke up this morning with a red ring around the base of my penis,’ says the first.
The second nods and reponds, ‘Well, what a coincidence. I woke up this morning with a green ring around the base of my penis.’
The doctor calls the first man in, and the second sits, waiting nervously.
Eventually, the first man comes out, grinning ear to ear. ‘I’m going to be ok!’ He rushes out of the office as the second man, very relieved to hear that and optimistic about his own chances, goes in to be examined.
The doctor shakes his head. ‘I’m afraid it’s going to be fatal if we don’t cut it off.’
‘But,’ the man stammered, ‘The other guy came in with a red ring around his penis, and you said he was going to be OK!’
‘Yes,’ said the doctor. ‘But that was just a minor rash. I gave him a perscription for a salve that will clear it up in a few days.’
.
.
.
(Real punchline. ‘Yes, but that was just lipstick.’)
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts to break down. He pulls into a gas station and asks the mechanic to check it out. While the mechanic is working, the penguin goes into the convenience store to get a snack. When he comes out later, the mechanic says, “Hey, it looks like you blew a seal.” And the penguin responds, “Oh, no. How much is that going to cost to repair?”
Why did the dead monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was.
Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep?
Either in a man-made enclosure or in its natural habitat.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Rhinophant.
Re: real punchlines
Kinda ruins the fun of the thread, IMHO. It’s a lot funnier reading these as given and laughing at how unfunny they are. The real punchlines are kinda letdowns 
If you have to explain 'em…
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be wise to keep her name so as to avoid confusion among her fans.
Here’s a good one from my childhood:
“In the interest of saving time, just imagine that I’ve spend 20 minutes telling you a joke to which there is no punchline.”
“Doctor, doctor, will I ever play the violin again?”
“I’m sorry Mr. Heifetz, you won’t.”
An American says to a Russian “American is great. I can stand in front of the white house and yell “The President is an idiot” and nothing can happen to me”
The Russian says “If I made fun of the Soviet Premeire in Moscow, I’d be in a Gulag”.
and of course.
“In American , you watch TV. In Soviet Russia, you watch different programs on TV”
How do you get 100 dead babies out of the back of a truck?
Carefully, making sure you respect as far as possible the wishes of the greiving parents.
What’s brown and sticky?
Parcel Tape.
She’d be known as Mrs. Ella Skywalker
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
This thread is hilarious. I’m laughing so hard I can’t think of a joke to ruin.
No wait I got a couple
Whats better than a rose on your piano?
Several roses and a glass of wine.
Whats worse than a nail in the road?
If it actiually gets in your tire.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Da-duh…da-duh…da-duh da-duh da-duh da-duh da-duuuuuuuuuuuh…
Two lawyers are walking along when they spy a very gorgeoous woman.
One lawyer says “Boy I’d sure like to fuck her”
the second lawyers says "Yeah me too:
Doctor: “Mrs. Johnson, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your husband thinks he’s a horse. I can cure him, but it’s going to cost a lot of money.”
Mrs. Johnson: “Oh, money’s no problem.”
I have a vague memory of this joke. What is it in it’s original form?