Oh I vote heavily in favor of NOT putting in the punchlines. Thank you.
How come the index finger on the Stautue of Liberty can’t be 12 inches long?
Because if it were 12 inches long, then it would be totally out of proportion with the rest of the statue.
So the joke is that you put in “actual quote” as if we didn’t know right?
PLease God let me be right?
How do you know what time it is ar Neverland?
You look at a clock.
I totally screwed that up.
It’s
How do you tell it’s bedtime at Neverland?
You look at the clock :o
A blonde is walking along the bank of a river when she sees another blonde across the river.
The first blonde shouts to the second blonde, “Hey, how do I get on the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river, then looks down the river, then says, “Well, there’s a bridge right there.”
Original punchline: “You are on the other side!”
This one’s a connected series:
What’s the difference between a plum and an elephant?
Well, the size, the color, one’s a fruit and one’s an animal, one has legs. Heck, there are more differences than similarities.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the path?
“Here come the elephants.”
What did Jane say?
“Here come the elephants, but I can’t tell what color they are.” (Jane was colorblind).
how many jews can you fit inside a volkswagon?
Well, it would depend upon the make and model but probably around 6 to 7, 8 if they were especially short.
In the real one, the scruffy guy says, “This one is called ‘I Love You So Fucking Much I Could Shit’”
Thanks for asking.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To the landfill.
“I love homosexual necrophilia,” Tom Swift said.
“I’ve struck oil,” said Tom coldly.
“I can’t find Ruth,” said Tom quickly.
A rabbi and a priest were talking. “Tell me, rabbi,” asked the priest. “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Well,” said the rabbi. “Once I snuck away and made myself a ham sandwich. But tell me, father, have you ever had sex with a women?”
“Well,” said the priest. “Once, when I was younger, I did go to a hooker.”
“So we’ve both broken a cardinal rule of our religions,” said the rabbi, aghast. “That’s terrible!”
What’s red on the outside, white on the inside, and goes putt, putt, putt?
Nothing.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?”
“I see thousands of stars.”
“And what does that mean to you?” Holmes asked.
“I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God’s eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we’ll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”
“Pretty much the same thing. Good thing, too; I forgot my umbrella.”
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Radiation sickness.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
There is no such pigmented Felidae Panthera.
God and Moses are playing golf.
Moses loses.
Two rabbis walk into a bar and, once realizing where they are, they turn around and walk out because they don’t drink and they meant to walk into the bookstore next to the bar instead.
2 riders are on the subway. One man is very ill with a hacking cough, so the other guy asks him “Are you doing anything about that awful cold?” The ill guy replies “No. What do you think I should do?”
So the first guy says, “When I feel that ill, I have wild passionate sex for several hours with my lovely wife. She loves it and I end up feeling a lot better”.
So the guy with the cold says “Wow that’s great !!! When I get home I’m going to have wild sex with my wife for several hours. Geez thanks”
Knock knock.
Who’s there.
Banana.
Wait- is this the joke where you keep starting over and then saying banana several times? And then finally when I’m getting really pissed off you instead say “orange” and I say “orange who” and you say “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” and that’s the joke?
Yes.
Oh, okay. Proceed, then.
I went to the doctor and told him, “Doc, it hurts when I do this.” And the doctor said “Could be cancer…”
Two guys are out golfing, and the topic of their careers comes up.
“I’m a businessman,” says one. “What about you?”
“I’m a professional killer,” replies the other.
“Really?” Remarks the businessman. “Do you always carry your equpiment with you?”
“Yes,” answers the killer.
“May I look through the scope of your rifle?”
“Yes, you may.”
So the businessman looks through the scope, and sees his wife with another man through the window of a nearby condo.
“Man, I can’t believe this! There’s my wife! And she’s cheating on me! How much do you charge for your services?”
“$1000 a bullet.”
“Okay! I want to buy two bullets. With the first one, I want you to shoot my wife in the head. With the other one, I want you to blow that man’s nuts off!”
“Well,” says the killer. “If I do, you could go to jail as an accessory.”
“I didn’t think of that,” says the businessman. “You’d better not.”
(“If you wait a second,” says the killer, “I can save you $1000.”)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
…Okay, enough of those.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, not after a long-term illness, as my grandfather suffered through.
What do you call a plane-load of lawyers that crashes? A set-back for the our nation’s system of justice.
And what’s grosser than that?
Being electrocuted
Aw, beat me to it.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Orange
Orange Who?
Are you not glad I did not say banana?
This kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “we don’t see a lot of kangaroos here”. The kangaroo says “With these reasonable prices, I’ll recommend this bar to other kangaroos”
What do you call a black man with a PhD from Harvard?
Doctor.
Thank you, I won’t be here after tonight.