A man is out hunting with his friend, when he accidentally shoots him. He calls emergency services on his mobile:
“Quick! What do I do? I accidentally shot my friend and I’m almost sure he’s dead!”
“Now calm down. First we need to be sure he’s dead”
“Just a minute …” BANG BANG “OK, I shot the bear that was about to eat him, now what were you saying?”
…
A ghost walks into a bar. “I’m sorry”, says the barman, “we don’t serve ghosts here”.
Two guys are camping, when a bear emerges from the woods, and heads right towards them.
One of the guys turns to run. The other says, “There’s no way you’ll outrun a bear!”
The first guy runs to the car instead, unlocks the door for his friend, and drives away.
(“I don’t have to outrun the bear! I just have to outrun you!”)
Well, I was attempting to conform to the concept of mangled punchline followed by the actual punchline. I added a further explanation in the [square brackets] for those that didn’t know the Shakespeare quote, since I didn’t when I first heard the joke. Which all goes to show that if you explain a joke too much it dies. So perhaps we should just leave the mangled versions with no explanation.
Jesus walks into a motel, hands the clerk some nails, and says, “Do you have any rooms available?”
A monkey decides to try to have sex with an elephant. The elephant doesn’t notice anything happening.
Why did the turtle cross the road? His car was low on gas.
How is a blonde like a turtle? Not much, really. They’re both vertebrates.
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because they’re busy trying to finish their projects for the holiday season.
Hillarious! 
A joke Data might tell.
==========
Q. What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A. A leech is a chiefly aquatic bloodsucking or carnivorous annelid worm of the class Hirudinea, whereas a lawyer is a person whose profession is to give legal advice and assistance to clients and represent them in court or in other legal matters.
…and please tip your waitress, since her meager salary is not sufficient enough for her to pay her bills.
(In a Chinese restaurant)
Waiter, this chicken is rubbery!
I’m so sorry about that, sir. Would you like to change your order, or will you want a refund?
What’s the difference between a duck?
You have not offered a comparison subject.
Why does it take 14 women with PMT to change a light bulb?
Although in my house I generally do this chore, I’ve not noticed that my wife’s need for assistance is correlated with the state of her menstrual cycle.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Shrug Maybe something frightened it, or it saw something it wanted to eat. Chickens’ motives are generally quite simple.
An Irishman comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. Screaming with rage and grief at the betrayal, he goes and gets his shotgun, loads it, and sticks the barrel in his mouth. Just as he is about to pull the trigger he notices his wife laughing at him, so he says “Bitch! Laugh at me committing suicide, would you?” and gives her and her lover both barrels before reloading and shooting himself in a tragic murder/suicide incident.
Two tigers are walking down the High Street. One of them growls something that may possibly have meant “Hmm, no humans here. I suppose they must be frightened of us”.
There was a young man from St Bees
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp;
He exclaimed in pain and went to find the first-aid kit.
Why is a mouse when it spins?
Your question amply indicates that a sentence may be syntactically valid and yet convey no meaning.
Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
Oh, I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll take it back and you won’t be charged.
When I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives
Every wife had seven sacks
Every sack has seven cats
Every cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to Altoona?
A man came up to me and told me he hadn’t had a bite in days. So I treated him to a meal.
Two muffins are in the oven, baking. One of them says “It sure is hot in here.”
The other says “It sure is a waste of electricity to just bake two muffins and not fill the other empty holes in the muffin tray with dough.”
Two nuns from Vatican City were riding their bikes. They decided to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street.
One nun said “I’ve never come that way before.”
The other replied “Come? Ha ha, that could make for a really funny orgasm joke!”
But they were nuns. They’d never do that.
Two gentlemen of an ethnic persuasion are out fishing when they suddenly begin to get bite after bite until their boat is almost overflowing with nice fish. One turns to the other and says, “Wow, this has been great! There must be something magical about this place in the lake. Maybe I should mark the spot.”
At this point the other observes the first one making a big red X in the bottom of the boat. Amazed at the short-sightedness of this gesture, he interrupts and says, “Ahem, I suspect we’ll have a better chance of locating this spot if we put something in the lake instead of in the boat.”
The first man smiles and says, “Of course you’re right. I wasn’t thinking clearly,”
Woman to the dry-cleaner : When can you get this laundry done?
Chinaman: Lickety split.
Woman : Excellent, I’ll pick it up later.
So, a string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve string here, buddy.” The string regards the bartender cooly and says, “Serve me a goddamn drink or I’ll have the ACLU on your ass like flies on shit.”
Bill Clinton was jogging in a private park in Arkansas when he started having chest pains. Two college students, who had illegally entered the park looking for a place to get high, saw him collapse and rushed over. One administered CPR while the other dialed 911 on his cell phone.
Afterwards, the two students visited Clinton in the hospital. “You boys saved my life,” says the ex-President. “In return, I’d like to grant you each a favor.”
The first student says, “Well, it’d be nice if that park could be open to the public.”
“That can be done,” says Clinton. “And you, young man?”
The second student says, “I’d like to be buried in Arlington Cemetery.”
“You got it. But if you don’t stop smoking,” Clinton says, “you’ll end up there sooner than you expect.”
A guy wants a pack of cigarettes, so he puts a $5 bill under his dog’s collar and sends the dog to the corner store.
He waits and waits, but the dog doesn’t come back. Going out to look for the dog, the guy walks past the corner bar and sees the dog perched on a stool, lapping up a vodka gimlet.
The guy goes in and says to the dog, “Hey! You never did this before!”
The dog barks, hops off the stool, and heads for home.
A man came up to me and said he hadn’t eaten in days, so I bit him.
I believe this non-humor has a name. It is called german humor around here. It could be even more funny if you use german accent.
How many German electrical engeneers does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Knock, knock
Who is there?
Ze gestapo and we will ask ze questions here…
Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because they can’t see where they’re going to land.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ?
A: An inviable fetus.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, but, eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.
“Well, I can see that,” she said, “But what’s so exciting about a period?”
Johnny said, “I guess there isn’t much exciting about a punctuation mark.”
What’s worse than unexpectedly encountering a deceased infant found in a totally inappropriate location, such as a trash receptacle?
Nothing, really.
What would you say if you found out there were 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
Wow, that must be a very large submarine.
If an airplane crashes precisely on the border of Canada and the United States, rescue teams from both countries will speed to the site.
“So there’s this scottish guy in a suitcase, and his dad is on the train…”
I wouldn’t have posted anything so obscure, except that my friend (sober, doesn’t drink evnen) really killed a joke that badly. The way it should be told:
McTabbish is so cheap that he always buys his train ticket one stop short of where he actually wants to go, and pretends to sleep through his stop, figuring the conductor will throw him off at the next stop.
After a few trips, however, the conductors are starting to get wise to his ploy.
So the coductor rouses McTabbish from his pretended sleep, and says “Sir, you’ve slept through your stop, you’ll have to get off the train, here and now!”
“Wha, while the trains movin’? If that isn’t just like an englishman takin’ no consideration of cripplin’ a scottsman fer life.”
“Well Sir, considering your age, I’ll go easy on you this one time, you can get off at the next stop, and to save you carrying your bag all the way back, I’ll enen leave it here for you to pick up” and tosses McTabbish’s suitcase out the window.
“Ach’ Ye horrid englishman, Ye’ve killed me only son!”