in thread for parlor to see if this one has been taken. That being said, on with the (un)funnynes:
(Setting: A house in the 1920s, or so.)
Girl: “Would you like to play a parlor game?”
Boy:“Yes”
Girl: “Ok then, third self down, it’s the second game you come to.”
Thanks to Atheist Princess on another thread for this one.)
She: Do you like Kipling?
He: Yes, especially The Jungle Book.
I took my girlfriend to the baseball game. I kissed her between the strikes and she kissed me between the outs.
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!..
Beiherhund das Oder die Fleidermaus gedanken.
Two nuns are occupied in a storage room when the lights go out.
After a few minutes one asks “where’s the candles?”
The other replies " ‘where are the candles?’ would be gramatically correct. As posed, your question could easilly be misconstued as a statment of the effect of an act contrary to our vows on the objects in question."
“…and then when I woke up I discovered that someone had placed a pile of deer entrails on top of my excrement!”
IRL though, I hear more people screwing up jokes by spoiling the punchline, rather than getting it wrong:
“So, there’s this indian, named Two Dogs Fucking, and he is questioning his tribal chief in regards to how indian names are chosen…”
“Hey Kev, tell that one where Superman is on the Empire State Building!”
Why was the tomato red?
It saw the salad naked.
Why does Paddy O’Furniture sit outside?
He’s Irish.
What’s the difference between an exceptionally skanky woman, and a basketball team?
The basketball team showers after four quarters.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Robert.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
One is white and the other is green; one is solid and the other is liquid; and anybody can mash potatoes.
Again?
-Superdude, whose real name is Kevin.
True story–When I was a teen, this really strange and stoned girl was telling us about how she had spent the previous night.
“So we looked in the phonebook, and found these people whose last name was Burger King, and so we called them, and said ‘Yeah, um, I’d like a Big Mac, and some fries, and a chocolate shake, and…’ Oh, man it was so funny! No, wait, their last name was McDonald.”
What’s the difference between a hockey puck and a tampon?
A hockey puck can be used for a full game.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a rip in one.
"Ya see that fence over there? I painted that fence with me own two hands. But do they call me ‘Duncan the Fence Painter?’
No. They call me ‘Duncan the Goat Fucker.’"
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
With great difficulty.
Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what’s before his eyes
“Who the hell tied a ribbon on my penis?”
What does an 85 year old’s pussy taste like?
It depends.
A frog goes into a bank to get a loan.
He meets a loan officer named Patty Black.
She asks him what he has for collateral.
He pulls out a small porcelin statue.
“I’ll have to check with my boss” she says.
She relates the story to her boss and her boss replies:
“It’s a Precious Moments figurine Miss Black, give the frog the money he wants to borrow.”
You should be ashamed of yourself! This one is still funny. 
::weeps::
A man was driving to the Old Log Inn and got a flat. He had no spare so he started walking down the road. Noticing a parked car rocking back and forth up ahead he approached, stuck his head in the open window, and said, “How far is the Old Log Inn?” The startled man having intercourse looked up. He said, “It’s 2 miles further in the direction our car is pointing. Please let us have some privacy.”
[sub]I can still remember the real joke being met with stares of silence. It must have been my delivery.[/sub]
Time for some ethnic jokes, methinks:
Why do Swedes do stupid things?
Because in Norwegian culture, there is a strong element of friendly rivarly with their neighbours the Swedes, resulting in, among other things, jokes that portray Swedes as unintelligent. Similar jokes are told in Sweden, but, of course, with Norwegians as the stupid ones.
The Dane, the Swede and the Norwegian had a contest. The Norwegian won.
The Dane, the Swede and the Norwegian had a somewhat dangerous contest. The Swede won, but injured himself in the process.
During the Cold War, a Russian, an American and a Norwegian were sitting in a bar. The Russian bragged about the size of USSR’s navy. The American bragged about the size of USA’s air force. The Norwegian bragged about the size of his penis. After a while, the Russian and the American were feeling more friendly towards their drinking buddies, and both of them admitted to having exaggerated their claims. The Norwegian then claimed that his penis was even longer than he’d said the first time. The story is unclear on whether the Norwegian actually intended this, or whether he simply was somewhat clumsy with language.
And a political one:
Late in September 2001, Bush and Blair were sitting in a bar. The bartender asked them what they were talking about.
Bush said: “We’re discussing how to start the third World War.”
“Oh,” answered the bartender, taken aback. “How do you intend to do that?”
Bush said: “Well, for a start, we’ll kill a few hundred thousand Afghanis and a bicycle repair man.”
The bartender exclaimed: “Kill several hundred thousand human beings? That’s horrible!”
Blair turned to Bush and said: “See? I told you that there will be a lot of outrage if our plans result in lots of deaths. This is true even if the dead ones are Afghanis.”
Bush answered: “Oh. Yes, I see. You’re right. We’ll have to change our plans, then.”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There’s no way that could happen. “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, “You know mister, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”.