A guy is drinking in a bar and sees a woman alone a ways down the bar. He asks the bartender, “Bring her one on me.”
The barkeep replies, “OK, but you won’t get far with her. She’s a lesbian.”
The guy sidles over to the woman and asks her, “So, who do you like to win the LPGA?”
The CIA, MI6, and KGB are arguing over which is the best agency. They all stake their claims to have superior weaponry, personnel, and tactics. So to settle the score once and for all, they have a contest. A rabbit is released into a forest and each agency will be judged on how quickly they find and catch it.
First, it’s the CIA’s turn. They call in a massive number of agents, search-teams with hounds, infrared goggles, helicopters, low-flying spy airplanes etc. etc. After two weeks, they order in a tactical airstrike and come out with what looks to be rabbit reamains.
Then it’s time for the MI6. They send in one agent with a handgun. He comes out after a week with a rabbit corpse which has been shot perfectly between its eyes.
Finally, the KGB enters the forest. They send in a team of 5 heavyset mean guys. After two days they come out leading a badly beaten bear in front of them at gunpoint. “Sorry all we could find was this bear, is it good enough?” “Sorry, you were supposed to find a rabbit, you’re disqualified. MI6 wins.”
[QUOTE=tdn]
The other day I shot an elephant while I was wearing my pajamas. I don’t know why I was wearing my pajamas.
[QUOTE]
True story:
One day my family was talking about the Marx brothers and my sister told the joke like this:
The other day I was in my pajamas and shot an elephant, what the elephant was doing there I’ll never know.
When we explained the joke to her, her reaction was, “oh yeah, I can see how it might be funnier that way” :smack:
snork!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a location for multi-religious gatherings?”
A man with two jump leads around his neck goes into a bar. He orders a drink, and the bartender says “Okay, but your choice of neckwear is eccentric, if you don’t mind my saying so.”
An Englishman is on holiday in Ireland and gets lost. He stops at a pub and goes in to ask for directions.
He says to the barkeep, “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?”
“Well now,” says the barkeep. “Would ye be walkin or would ye be drivin?”
“Driving,” answers the Englishman.
“Aye,” says the barkeep. “In that case, you’ll want to follow this road for another four miles, then go south when you get to the highway.”
A lion and a tiger are taking a shower together.
The tiger turns to the lion and says, “Can you hand me the soap, please?”
The lion responds, “No soap, radio.”
But that one IS funny. 
Want to know how to make your wife go into fits of wild yelling and screaming while you’re having sex?
Okay, you may have been misled into thinking that this will occur while you are actually having sex with your wife. No.
Instead, you go to a motel with your mistress and while you are having sex with her, you call up your wife and say “Hi - I’m having sex with my mistress in a motel.”
Wow, that will really send your wife into fits of wild yelling and screaming.
A psychiatrist and a woman are speaking, he says, “in dreams, many things serve as phallic symbols”. She asks him, “What is a phallus?” He pulls down his pants to display his penis. She replies, “Oh, you’re talking about the male reproductive organ.”
Two hunters meet in a forest. The first asks the second “How’s the hunting?” Second says “Very good. I’ve shot a duck, a quail, and a potphor.” First asks “What’s a potphor?” Second says “A very rare sub-species of the sparrow that’s never been seen in this area before.”
A blonde is driving down a road and sees another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a wheat field. She stops her car, gets out and hollers at the blond in the boat "If I knew how to swim, I would have joined my high school swimming team.
I once had a book of dinosaur jokes. Most of the jokes were not originally dinosaur jokes, but were reworked versions of other jokes. In the transition, some of the jokes lost a lot of what made them funny in the first place. This one joke had me puzzled for quite some time:
A man goes to see his psychiatrist.
Doctor: What can I help you with?
Man: Well Doctor, I work in the circus. Every evening I clean the dinosaur cages. When I am alone, I have the unbearable urge to stick my hand inside the Tyrannosaurus mouth. I never give in, but I am puzzled as to why I have this temptation. What should I do, Doctor?
Doctor: You should go ahead and stick your hand in the dinosaurs mouth. Then you will see that it is no big deal.
Man: Ok, Doctor.
The next day the man goes back to the psychiatrist.
Man: Well, I stuck my hand in the Tyrannosaurus mouth.
Doctor: And what happened?
Man: I got fired.
Doctor: What about the Tyrannosaurus?
Man: He got fired too.
A man, suffering from an annoying itchy rash goes to a doctor.
Patient: Doctor, you’ve got to do something about this rash.
Docotr: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, I’m going to refer you to a skin doctor. These recurring rashes can be an indication of a serious skin disease. Not that you necessarily have such a condition but it is wise to take these precautions.
Patient: Gee, thank you very much.
My dog has no nose!
How does he smell?
Well, obviously his sense of smell is diminished , but his sense of taste has developed a particular acuity…
mm
This guy walks into a bar and only asks for one drink. The bartender is suprised because he usually drinks to excess, so he asks:
“Are you sure it’s only one? What happened”
“Well, last night, I got so drunk that I blew chunks”
“Ouch, you might want to take it easy then”
Gold.
My favorite ruined joke is so because the Pytons did it themselves:
In The Secret Policeman’s Biggest Ball, a benefit for Amnesty International, the famous Parrot sketch was done like this:
(Mr Praline enters a pet shop with a cage.)
Owner: Sorry, We’re closin’ for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. 'E’s dead.
(audience goes wild)
(Owner looks at the cage…
puffs cigar…
looks closely…
then carefully…)
Owner: Oh, why so it is!
(Mr. Praline spends a few seconds acting and looking flabbergasted)
Owner: I’ll get your money back, and some holiday vouchers for your trouble… There you go. Good day!
(Mr. Praline looks at the crazied audience)
Mr. Praline: Well, there’s one good thing Thatcherism’s done for the country!
In her advanced stage of senility, my gramma pretends she’s a superhero, running around the nursing home wearing nothing but a bedsheet tied around her neck. The other day she ran up to an old man, ripped open her ‘cape’, and shouted, “Pussy or Soup!” The old man said, “you’re blocking the tv, you crazy old bag.”