A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office. He sits down and says, “Doc, you’ve gotta help me! I keep having these strange dreams at night - first I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee! What does it mean?”
“Ahhh,” the psychiatrist replies. “Jungian analysis suggests that dreaming about domiciles means you are feeling instability in your personal life. Tell me, are you having financial problems?”
Heisenberg is driving his car, and he gets pulled over by a cop. The policeman asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I’m not sure, I wasn’t paying attention,” Heisenberg replies. “Sorry.”
“I’m afraid you were breaking the speed limit for this area, sir,” says the policeman. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“Fair enough,” says Heisenberg.
~ Isaac
HubZilla’s ruined joke reminded me of this one:
What do the female reindeer do when Santa and his reindeer are away on December 24th?
They go into town and perfom fellatio on a few bucks !!!
Doctor, I keep seeing pink spots before my eyes!
Have you seen an optician?
No, I thought a doctor would be better.
There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
His daughter, named Joy,
Ran off with a boy…
That’s not her name, is it? Oh… bother.
Doctor, people keep ignoring me!
–You should learn to be more assertive, then.
What time is it when your clock strikes 13?
It means it’s 1PM and you have a clock that’s based on military time.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
That’s a most unusual situation, please do tell me more about it.
A: Knock knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Boo
B: Boo Whom?
A: I meant it in the direct tense, not the accusative.
Why couldn’t Jesus have come from Essex?
Because Essex is a long way from Bethlehem, and the people of Essex at the time didn’t speak Hebrew.
A group of nuns are working in a garden. A passing donkey is in an accident. The donkey’s dick is chopped off and flies into the nuns’ garden.
One nun turns to the other and says, ‘Oh, poor donkey. I wonder if surgery would help?’
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A blind deer.
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
A blind deer with no legs.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana
Banana who?
Just plain Banana.
Did you hear about the lawyer?
He was a morally upstanding man who rescued many from unfair accusations.
A rabbi, a priest, and a stripper go into a bar. The rabbi and the stripper both agree it would be immoral for the night to continue, so they say farewell and leave.
What did the priest do?
I get sufficient respect, all things considered.
My wife’s so fat, when she sits around the house she eats high fat, high carbohydrate snacks all day
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he had poor impulse control
A man goes to the doctor:
Doctor: Mr. Jones, I’m afraid you have cancer.
Man: I’d like a second opinion.
Doctor: That’s an excellent idea. Let me know what you find out. Perhaps I made a mistake.
Costello: Okay so if I’m playing on this baseball team, and the batter hits a ground ball to me, I’d pick it up and throw it to whom?
Can’t believe no one has posted one of the all-time classics …;
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His hips are moving.
Since his son got good grades, a father wants to give him a suitable gift, and ask his son what he would like.
The son answers : “a green ping-pong ball”.
His father is surprised, and asks him : “why do you want a green ping-pong ball? Wouldn’t you prefer… a car, for instance?”
The son “I guess you’re right, dad. I’m not sure why I wanted a green ping-pong ball. I’d rather have a car”. Then, he suddenly dies from a heart attack.
Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at a table in a café
The waitress asks him if he’d like a drink
He replies “No thanks, I have one already”
A man walks into a pub
He says “Ouch!”
It was an iron pub!
Tell the people to have a good night, Gracie.
Two guys are in a bar. One of them is complaining about his job. “I just wanted to be in show business. So I joined a circus. Now all day I have to clean up after the elephants. All I do all day is sweep up elephant shit.”
Second guy says: Why don’t you quit?
First guy says: Yes, I noticed the “Help wanted” sign in the window. I’d be a good bartender." So he applied, got the job, and left show business.
Okay, I may be posting prematurely here, but that is really funny based on an experience of mine. A while back I broke my hand and had to have surgery and all that. After the surgery, at my first visit to my new doctor (not the one who put it in a cast and making the other doctore have to re-break my hand to get it right), I asked him how long until I’d be able to type again. The most annoyed, tired expression came over his face.
“Why? Because you couldn’t type before?” he said.
“No, seriously. I have to type for my job,” I said.
I don’t know why, but it makes me laugh.