What’s white and comes in brownies?
Marshmallows.
Johnny Fuckerfaster brought a girl down to hisasement and started making love to her.
She told him “Hurry up! Your mom might walk in at any minute!” So he started hurrying.
She told him “Faster! Faster!” So he sped up more and more.
Finally the door opened. It was his mother. She shouted, “Johnny! Johnny Fuckerfaster!”
He replied, “I’ll be up in a minute!”
I, for one, would like to know the REAL punchline to this - thanks!
There was this airplane over the Atlantic on its way to New York. It was full of men from the United Nations.
So halfway over the ocean the engines run low on fuel so they have to lighten the plane. So they heave out all the baggage, but it’s still too heavy. So they chuck out the seats, but it’s still too heavy! Finally a Frenchman steps up and shouts “Viva la France” and leaps out. Then an Englishman steps up and shouts God save the Queen!' and leaps out. But the plane is still too heavy. So the American steps up, shouts, Fuck the International Court of Justice!’ and chucks out the Nicaraguan.
An anteater walks into a bar and orders a drink; the barman says “Why do you look sad?”, the anteater replies “My mother died”.
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks “Why the long face?”
BECAUSE I LOST THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, STUPID!
Got plastered and sang “I Will Survive” a few times.
A shamus at a synagogue is taking a break from his chores when a congregation member sits down beside him on the front steps. They get to talking and the shamus says “You know that I wasn’t always a shamus. I used to be a wild animal tamer. I entertained presidents and kings. The highlight of the act would be when I stuck my head into the mouth of a man-eating lion. One day, as i was doing this, the lion bit my head off.”
“Weren’t you killed?” asked the horrified congregant.
“Why, yes. Yes I was.” ;j
Actual ending to the joke is available by request.
“Poke her? I don’t think she’d appreciate that”
After the guy asks to be buried at Arlington, Clinton says, “Sure, but you’re young—why are you thinking about where you want to be buried?”
“Because when my dad finds out I saved Bill Clinton’s life, he’s going to kill me!”
(In the original, it was Nixon swimming at his private beach, and two surfers saved him from the undertow.)
Man: For the last year, my brother has thought he’s a chicken.
Psychiatrist: Why have you waited so long to bring him in?
Man: I would have brought him in sooner, but he promised us eggs. Unfortunately, he was unable to produce them.
So, is anyone here from Wisconsin?
I got thrown in jail in Wisconsin, once.
I ate too much cheese.
It’s supposed to be “I got locked up in Wisconsin, once.”
A lady walks into a butcher’s shop and asks “Do you keep dripping”; the butcher replies “do you mean rendered animal fat, or are you referring to my incontinence problem?”
I still don’t get it…
A penguin is driving a car down a desert highway. He looks down at the dash and sees that his ‘check engine’ light is on, so he pulls off at the nearest town and leaves the car with the local mechanic to find out what’s wrong with the engine. While he’s waiting, the penguin goes over to an ice cream shop and buys a cone of vanilla. Outside in the heat, the ice cream begins melting all over. Because he can’t hold the cone too well with his little flippers, he eventually ends up with vanilla ice cream all over himself. He goes back to the garage to get some paper towels to clean himself up, and while walking through the shop, the mechanic rolls out from under the car, looks at the penguin and says, “It appears that there’s a broken gasket in the engine of your car.” And the penguin says, “Damn, and I’ve got ice cream all over my face too.”
Constipated.
How many Freudian psychoanalysists does it take to change a lightbulb?
2, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the ladder.
Why do Jewish people never eat Germans?
Eating people is canabilism and absolutely not kosher.
The other penguin joke:
One penguin says to another penguin, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxido.”
And the other penguin says, “I can see how your might think that, because a penguin’s color pattern looks a lot like a tux.”
(This is perfect, because I never thought that joke was all that funny to beguin with.)
He got “locked up” in Wisconsin, which could mean either that he was thrown in jail or got constipated. It’s more likely for eating too much cheese to result in the second option. (I think the only cheese-related crime in Wisconsin is not liking it. Or refusing to wear a cheesehead hat.)
Ahhh thanks everyone. I guess I won’t waste a post with idle chatter, so…
The Pope and Racquel Welch are in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. The Pope says, “Die sind Bojen nicht.”
When did the chicken cross the road?
mm