I’d suggest writing her a long hateful letter. Don’t hold back. Put everything you feel into it. Put it into an envelope. Put a stamp on it, and then lock it into a drawer.
Get drunk while you do it. Play Jim Croce’s “The Hard Way Every TIme” and Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows.”
The next day get up, work out and do something utterly insane.
When I was in College and my girlfriend of three years left me I did the letter thing, and for insanity I stripped all the bedding off the water bed down to the plastic. I spread baby oil oil over it and my naked body, laid on the bed and played “The Wall” so loud that the vibrating bass would make me slide around while I got drunk again.
After having indulged myself thusly I felt like I could face life again.
I echo all the sentiments here to you, Dave, even though I don’t know you from Adam. I have been where you are, I have LIVED where you are, and I empathize.
You have discovered something powerful, though: expressing it helps. Men often don’t get that, and I think it makes things much harder on them.
So here’s my advice:
Express it…write it, shout it, CRY ABOUT IT. You’re all alone, no one is looking. Write angry letters, pathetic whiny beggin letters. Say it all, feel it all.
The sooner and the more thoroughly you let your self really feel it all and express it all, the sooner and more thoroughly you will move through it to the next thing, which will be wonderful.
Make a day trip to Ocean City tomorrow. The weather is fabulous. The crowds are thinned out and it’s the perfect time of the year to sit on the beach and clear your head.
I’m in Salisbury and a day at the Ocean City beach is a great re-charger. There are some great restaurants in OC as well. Cactus Tavera in Salisbury just off the RT 50 bypass is also highly recommended. The Atlantic Hotel restaurant in Berlin also great.
I’m in sales and I went through a divorce 4 years ago so I know how this stuff can paralyze you. With respect to thinking about suicide you need to put this negativity aside. We live in an age of miracles. Human life has never been as interesting or more fun as this moment in history. You must keep plugging away just as I did. To even consider chucking it away is beneath you.
Now get some rest. You have beaches to visit Sunday and work to do on Monday. You have the power.
I’m sorry, Dave. I know all about the bad days and bad nights that come in this kind of situation. I know all about the feeling that there’s nothing much to live for, too…and the wondering if loneliness is permanent.
But…I also know that it gets better. It takes time to heal, but it does get better.