That boy’s so tall he could hunt geese with a rake.
And his daddy’s so fat he has to put on his belt with a boomerang.
Beef to the heels like a Charolais calf (about a chubby person)
That girl’s face would make a steam train take a dirt road.
I swear, if my wife didn’t have that one thang, I wouldn’t let her sleep on the porch.
Boy, I’m gonna hit you so hard, you gonna hum like a ten-penny finishing nail been hit by a greasy ball-peen hammer.
So dumb she thinks manual labor is a Mexican guy.
Boy, it’s a hot one. I saw my dog chasin’ a rabbit; they was both walkin’.
Oh, my stars ‘n’ little hoppy toads.
I’ll see you Sunday, Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.
Bub, I’m gonna build a shoe store in your ass, and grind out a cigarette on the carpet.
Purty as a speckled pup.
You’re trying to get the lay of the land? She lives at the end of the block, in the gray house.
He’s so lazy, he goes fishing without a hook.
Uglier than a stump full of spiders.
Doesn’t know shit from Shinola. (Shinola was a brand of shoe polish.)
My father once described a stretch of highway as “flat as a floor, straight as a string, and dull as a temperance lecture.”
My mother likes to call a hard rainstorm a “toad strangler” or “gully washer”. I’ve also heard “trash mover”.
If anyone knows the origin of the expression “I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind,” please share. That one has always baffled me.
My grandmother used to say “I’m so poor that if they were selling mules for a nickel, all I could do would be jump up and down screamin ‘Ain’t that cheap!’”
the mother that said this was flustered and cold and she mixed up “colder than a well digger’s ass” and " colder than a witch’s tit in a cast iron bra"
It’s better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.
Tighter than a cow’s ass at fly time.
I have to whiz so bad my back teeth are floating.
Spending money like a drunken sailor.
(I’ve only heard this one from Stephen King)Feel like hammered shit (feeling poorly). Alt.: Feel like home-made shit.
And also better than a smack in the teeth with an axe handle.
Don’t know how this one didn’t make it yet:
“If ignorance was corn flakes, you’d be General Mills.”