I’ve been watching old eps of 7th Heaven, and I think I’ve got to go with the Camden family. Older brother Matt obsesses over the sex lives of his younger sisters, Mary wants her brother to show her the ins and outs of kissing in the pilot, the family patriarch Eric’s proudest moment is when his daughter Lucy asks him to buy her tampons, and Annie Camden is the most frightening fictional mother since Carrie’s mom coined the phrase “dirty pillows.”
The Full House family is an obvious choice, I grant you. But Uncle Jesse was such eye candy that he makes up for those horrifying sad moment violins.
Don’t forget the twins, Sam and David. David Berkowitz was the Son of Sam serial killer. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that they’ll grow up to be monsters.
Frankly, living with the Camden’s would be fantastic. You can bang all the daughters, and no one really cares (except Matt). Lucy (the crazy blonde who becomes a preacher) is really the only one that has psycho potential.
The Conners (Roseanne), on the other hand, would be terrifying to live with. Any given night could culminate in either Dan or Roseanne sneaking into your room to perform a practical joke beyond imagination, let alone the possibility of their in-laws coming to visit.
Married with Children. It’s a miracle the kids didn’t starve to death; although cousin Seven disappeared while in their care and was never even missed.
(My idea for a final episode was for Al to murder the rest of the family with an ax and be acquitted by a jury of twelve shoe salesmen, so that may be coloring my judgment somewhat.)
Definitely the Full House family. A toddler with a constant creepy look in her eyes, as if someone was watching her and telling her what to say, a slightly older one that screams “HOOOOOOOOOW ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD” at every opportunity, that other kid that looks about 30, the weird big man who does all different voices, a father so boring he may as well be a ghost, John Stamos’ mullet, and that poster of Janet Jackson with the frightening perm.
Edit: Oh sweet Jesus I forgot KIMMY GIBBLER!!! AAAAAHHH!
All sitcom families are on the ragged edge of a visit from Social Services.
Home Improvement not only had a father who was obsessed with turning appliances into IED’s, both parents let a 17-year old go off to Latin America before he even finished high school.
In Everybody Loves Raymond every adult was a seething cauldron of pent-up rage, led by a matriarch who made Joan Crawford look like June Cleaver.
The Cosby Show and *Happy Days * both featured warm, loving, supportive parents who nonetheless kept forgetting their oldest child’s existence, while on Family Matters the youngest child disappeared without a trace.
And on Petticoat Junction, three daughters who’ve barely reached adulthood deal with their mother’s death by never mentioning her again.
The only sitcom family I’d want to be a part of is the Addams Family.
The unnamed family in Malcolm in the Middle looks like a rough ride, with the juvenile father, the shrewish bitch of a mother, the con-artist oldest son, the violent bully second son…
I suppose if you snapped and killed them all, you’d be a hero to the neighbors, at least.
Stretching the term “sitcom” to the point that I’m not even talking about a sitcom, what about the sisters on Charmed? Sure there’s demons, warlocks and all that, but what about Piper’s freaky eyebrow?!
