... Screw me twice, shame on me

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok, so in this thread- http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=79507

I tried to stay on the high road in a nasty little fight I was having with my so-called best friend over my pregnancy. To summarize- I am happy, she is jealous or pissed or whatever and has been a real bitch about it. But, in light of the 17 years we have invested in this friendship, I tried to let it go and move ahead. But now that’s all changed.

Every time I talk to this woman, she rips on me. I end up pissed off and hurt. The latest? Yesterday we are talking on the phone about my husband possibly changing jobs. I note that one drawback would be that he couldn’t drive my son to the sitter’s after the new baby is born. She is stunned. “Why would he go to the sitter if you’re staying home with your new baby?” I explain that at least for the first week or so, until my stitches heal, it might be easier and would help me get used to having two kids around. She comes unglued! Why do I want someone else to raise my kid if I’m at home? I calmly explain that I don’t want that, I never have, it’s just that it looks like a toddler and a newborn might be overwhelming at first. She retorts that you just do it, and makes another snide remark about paying a sitter to raise my son. So one more time, I stumble on with another subject without telling her to fuck off. My mistake, apparently.

I am not a masochist, nor do I play one on TV, so here goes-

Listen up bitch!

I’m sorry that my life choices aren’t the same as yours. No, I don’t stay home all day with my kids, I have to work. That is because I have a house, a mortgage, a car and bills that I take seriously, like grownups do. Not like you, who can’t answer her own fucking phone without screening calls to avoid collection agencies and irate landlords.

I make my mortgage payments on time, every month. You have not made an on-time rent payment in years. And now you want to buy a $440,000 house with a $3500 monthly payment? You can’t pay the $1350 rent you have now!

My son is with a sitter from about 9:00 am to 3:00 pm four days a week, but if they aren’t at the park playing with his friends they are at my office, not stuck in some day care center miles away where I can’t interact with them. No-one is raising my child for me. I am a good mom, I love my son, and the new baby is coming into a great family that will nurture and protect him/her. A big part of having kids is being responsible so that they are safe and secure. We do that. You don’t.

And about that child-rearin’ you tout so highly. Forget for a moment all the pot you smoke, and the 6 pack or bottle of wine that you drink by yourself every night. Do you remember me mentioning that growing pot in the house where your children live will get them taken away from you? I could have sworn that I mentioned it after the birth of your first child.

All you do is complain that you can’t cope and you’re overwhelmed. Your husband makes great money, but you don’t have enough to buy diapers or pay rent. Well, cry me a fucking river.

It is pretty sad that I need to be beaten bloody with the clue-by-four before I get it, but I’ve got it now. You can take that passive-agressive bullshit and cram it. Freindship is not about purposely hurting the people you say you love. That may be the way your parents did it, but you can’t do it with me.

I will miss you and my goddaughter, but if I don’t take care of myself, nobody else will, and you seem to only want to hurt me and put me down.

Fuck you.
:frowning:

2

Right on.

Great to see you realize completely that a “friend” who talks like that and acts like that isn’t a friend at all.

Fuck her is right on.

3

I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m telling you what, last week I had to officially tell “psycho girlfriend” that she was in fact, a rude, socially maladjusted bitch and I was tired of her hurting me.

It was like cutting an arm off, but it healed a lot quicker. I’m telling you, life is so great when you can get rid of the stone around your neck.

jarbaby

4

Amen! She’s not your friend. Good for you for letting go.

5

It’s really hard when the people who say they love you are too messed up to act on it. I know you have a lot of years invested in your friendship but that isn’t a good enough reason to let it drag on and hurt you. People change—you’ve changed. You don’t need her in the same ways you did in the past. I had a really good friend all through highschool and after we both got married we went to great effort to stay close. She and her husband were godparents to my 2nd child and that’s where the trouble started. She would call me and whine her husband wanted a baby, look, all our friends have kids, look, Cyn has two. He’d post all the pictures I sent(that they’d ask for) on the refrigerator. She called me and said not to send any more pictures, she just couldn’t take it, he’d taken to putting pictures of his godson on his desk at work and carrying one of them together in his wallet. I had to stop interfering in her life. I just figured it was a bad hair day, but I never heard from her again. I called and sent letters but it’s been 9 years and I stopped trying to contact her. Other old friends say she’s divorced and moved away. My son doesn’t remember them but my daughter does and says they were the people who loved him so much. So much that neither of them know him at all.

6

Friendships change. One friend was getting married, told me the date, I wrote it down, but neglected to tell me they’d changed the date and so, when I got the invitation, I didn’t even read it or realize that the date had changed, as I’d already written it down in my datebook. Needless to say, I missed the wedding. I took all the blame, apologized several times, tried to make the situation right… and never heard from her again. Another friend decided to move to New York for all the wrong reasons. I bitched and moaned and told him I thought it was the worst possible thing he could do because I really thought it was going to be a disaster (fortunately, I ended up being dead wrong). I even refused to help him move, because I couldn’t, in good conscience, help him do something I knew was wrong for him to do… and he hasn’t spoken to me since. And yet another friend, my best friend, the person I talked to every day, stood me and a few other friends up one night, left us high and dry. When I responded to his “Hey, we had a great time last night, where were you?” e-mail with angry words over his standing us up, he decided to take offense rather than apologize for screwing up… and I haven’t heard from him since.

IMHO, it’s harder to lose a good friend than it is to lose a lover, but, frankly, sometimes, like romantic relationships, it’s just time. You will have other friends.

Esprix

7

I spoke to another mutual friend about this whole mess, and apparently I’m not the only one getting shit on. It doesn’t make it any better, but at least I’m not totally insane.

I am, however, a coward. I just couldn’t bring myself to have “the talk” with her in person or on the telephone, so I am sending an email. I know it’s lame, but i just don’t want to have a huge scene. She has to be the victim, so I will have to me the villian, and I don’t like it.

Wish me luck, it’s going out today…

8

Hey, good luck.
Don’t worry about the email… to deal with this in a way that isn’t the most intimate should match the way she has acted towards your thoughts and feelings.

9

You go girl.

10

Resolved- not only am I not going to answer her emails, but I won’t even read them anymore.

I got this… thing… in response to my calm, measured letter about my feelings which bore no resemblance whatsoever to what I sent. Just a bunch of horseshit about how misunderstood she is, what a bitch I seem to have become (for calling her on her shit, I suppose, and not putting up with it), and how that crack about me paying someone else to raise my child was meant to be supportive, not mean. HUH?!?

Whatever, babe.

All done, buh-bye. jarbabyj, I won’t even need anesthesia for this amputation now…

11

Man, I’m having some serious flashbacks…

Sounds like a plan. It might feel weird, but it’s the best course.

Esprix