Scylla responds to songs and artists

Cafe Society
1

Dear Orianthi:

I’ve heard your song “According to You,” and I feel compelled to respond:

You have said that I have called you “useless, stupid, hard to please, a mess in a dress, moody, boring, suck at telling jokes, can’t show up on time… etc, etc…”

However, according to him you’re “funny, incredible, irresistible, everything he every wanted, etc. etc.”

You say that you wish that I could see you through his eyes.

Complete lyrics here:

You seem to be somewhat confused by the disparity of our respective viewpoints, so I thought I’d take this moment to resolve the conflict and conclusively prove my original stance.

My thesis can be summed up as follows:

A: We can add two-timing bitch to the previous categorized list of your faults.
B: He’s a loser that’s really only saying these nice things because he’s trying to have sex with you.

Let’s face facts, he’s only saying this shit because he doesn’t know you and wants to get in your pants. I bet if he had to lay next to you and listen to your snoring and bedfarts, look at the dirty underwear and used feminine products you leave laying around, and generally put up with your shit the way I have for the last six months, he would change his tune pretty damn fast. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when you have to get validation by starting from scratch who doesn’t know you as well as I do.

Loser? Well yes, of course. You’ve said so yourself. He’s a loser. If he was so wonderful, you’d wouldn’t bother bitching at me, you’d just leave and go off with Mr. Fantastic. He worships you, and I’ve called you out for the worthless skank that you are, yet you still seem to prefer me. Hmm. I wonder why? I bet he doesn’t have a nice house, a couple of sportscars, Bigscreen TV, Bose stereo system, a fully stocked bar, or a good job with social standing, in fact I doubt he has a paycheck.

If you think that I’m impressed that some pimply-asked slacker is thinking he can get some Cougar sex by flattering some drunken MILF, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, he probably isn’t interested in you at all. He just wants my money. So clearly, you are aware that this fellow is somewhat lacking, or you wouldn’t be using him as a weapon to try to get me to change.

Is he aware that you are just playing him along in an attempt to emotionally extort me to treating you better than you deserve?

Why do you think I’m treating you like this and saying these things? I am so sick of you and your shit, and I wish you’d get out of my life, but you just don’t seem to get the message.

I am sure you think you are saying something empowering about women with your lyrics, but the simple fact is that respect isn’t something you are simply owed. You have to earn it. When I have to take you home from work functions because you’ve fallen over drunk with your skirt up over your ass, exposing your granny panties, it doesn’t exactly inspire admiration.

If you truly wished or deserved respect, you would deal with me face to face and express your issues rather than flirting up losers in immature displays attempted to make me jealous. I at least have the courage to tell you to your face why I’m unhappy. Imagine if I started hooking up with some young hottie, and started bragging to you about how much she liked me? Would you think that would be worthy of respect.

So yes, according to me, you suck. Get out. Have fun with loser boy.

2

Orinathi is younger than I am, and I’m 27. If she’s a cougar, the goalposts have been moved pretty damn far up.

3

I think you’re a liar.

And the sign said long haired freaky people need not apply
So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you’ll do
So I took off my hat I said imagine that, huh, me working for you
woah!"

Did the sign really say “Long haired freaky people,” because that’s not how we describe you? We call you “Hippies.” “Freaky” is a word you use. Do you have a picture of this sign or are you just making it up?

You don’t seem to realize it but even if the story is true, you proved the guy’s point. All he wants is somebody he can pay to do a job, but all you stuck up hippies are interested in is making some pointless moral gestures and causing trouble. If you were really interested in making a valid point, you would have taken the job and done outstanding work before revealing your long hair, thus proving him wrong. As it is, you proved your a stuck up pretentious asshole “imagine me working for you” you say. Uh-huh. You’re too good to work for him. Why apply for the job then? It’s this attitude of entitlement that’s probably rightly turned him off to your type of worthless scum.

You’ve missed the point.

“And the sign said anybody caught trespassing would be shot on sight
So I jumped on the fence and yelled at the house, Hey! what gives you the right
To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep mother nature in
If God was here, he’d tell you to your face, man you’re some kinda sinner”

Again, I’m gonna need to see this sign. It sounds a little bit hyperbolas to me. “Admit it” it just said “No Trespassing,” didn’t it? And… while we’re telling the truth why don’t you just admit that you and your hippie friends were squatting in this guys garden without permission, smoking dope, pissing and shitting everywhere, leaving your garbage all over the place and destroying the landscaping? After committing all these atrocities, you’re just being pissed off that you’re being told to leave.

Here’s some other news: Do you think it looks that way by itself? No. It looks so nice because somebody works in the garden, landscaping it, taking care of it, and yes, protecting it from people like you. Doubtless you’ve forgotten the ecological disaster that was left behind in the wake of Woodstock. The place was a fetid garbage filled mudpit. You stupid hippies destroyed all the groundcover, crapped everywhere and left your garbage all over the place. It was disgusting.

I note that in the next verse you are also pissed about membership cards. We have membership cards because all the people that are members are contributing to the shared commons by means of time and financial support and have thus created something enviable. You can be a part of it if you can demonstrate a positive contribution. You’re just pissed off because you can’t.

Get a job, loser.

4

She directed the song at me, and spoke to me directly over the radio I’m 42. The only women I’m involved with is 40. Therefore she is 40.

It’s you, isn’t it? I can’t beleive you’re totally buying her bullshit. Under 27? Have you seen her in the light? You realize those pictures were taken in the 80s?

Frankly, I’m surprised. You think she’s “beautiful, incredible, everything you ever wanted” you certainly have to be naive. This naive, though?

Gimme a break. You can have her.

5

So you’re gay? Thanks for telling us. I’m sure that took a lot of courage and all. Thanks a whole bunch. How the hell do you think this makes me feel? Have you thought of that?

Let’s face facts. You were in Menudo. You’re incredibly good looking (at least compared to me.) You’ve been having sex with the world’s most beautiful women for decades.

You’ve been having a lot more sex with many more and a much wider variety of incredibly hot women than me and every other guy I know put together.

If you are gay, what does that make me? By comparison, I am supergay. Don’t tell me it’s different because you didn’t enjoy it. That’s just rubbing it in. If I say I have 5 porsches two Lamborghinis, 7 Ferraris, a couple of Shelby’s and several other dozen cars that I can’t remember but I hate to drive… Well that’s just being an asshole isn’t it?

I’m trying to figure out how you are gay? In what sense? I figure you are what you do, right? Let’s say you you’ve tortured and killed a dozen people for no reason. You can’t argue that you’re not a serial killer simply because you would have rather been watching tv.

If you want to be gay, you need to not have sex with thousands of supermodels over the course of many decades, ok?

This is what I think happened. I think you just had so much sex for so long with so many hot women, that you totally got bored, like a kid in a candy shop, and needed something different.

I figure either way, you are a jerk. If you were gay, you wouldn’t have had sex with all those women that I wanted to have sex with… but couldn’t… because you were fucking them. And, if you were gay, and only having sex with them so that I couldn’t and to make me look bad by comparison… well that’s just mean and spiteful. What did I ever do to you?

It’s just not right. I support gay people, equality, the lack of stigmas, and all that.

I’m just saying don’t come to the party and hog all the roast beef to yourself and then tell me your a vegetarian.

6

Ohh! Ohh! I nominate the PETA and NAMBLA theme songs for the Scylla treatment! :smiley:

7

::grabs popcorn, pulls up chair::

I’m in.

8

Dear Boy George:

Yes, I really want to hurt you.

9

Dear David Lee Roth:

Who’s kidding who? You’re “running with the devil,” and “All you’ve got you had to steal”? You’ve got no love and nobody waiting at home?

Now, Dave, I love ya, bubby, but you’re not a street kid from the ghetto. You were a rich Jewish kid. Your dad was a doctor! You never had to steal ANYTHING!

Stop pretending you were anything but a spoiled rich brat, mmm’kay?

I’d send the same message to that phony wuss Joe Strummer, but he went and died on me before I could.

10

Dear Beatles:

I think you’re awesome, really, but honestly: I don’t want to hold your hand.

Sorry guys… maybe next time.

11

A better answer would be,

"Dear John: You’re 23 years old, and all you want to do is hold my hand? I think I’ll hold out for Mick Jagger, who I’m pretty sure will give me a little more than that.

-Every Female in America"

12

Hey Elton!
If they’re the sweetest eyes you’ve ever seen then why in hell can’t you remember that they’re green? Green! Not blue. Yeeesh.

13

Dear Stupid Song from some kind of car commercial:

“HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?”

Not at all.

“HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?”

Not at all…

“HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?”

**Not at all, damn it! ** :mad:

14

…and to get the obvious out of the way…

Dear Alanis,

No, it’s not.

15

Dear McDonald’s,

I am going to give you back that Filet O’Fish …

… and shove it so far up your @$$ that you’ll finally stop singing.

Love,
JK