Second class today. Went a little better – no meltdowns today, at least.
However, I have a big project coming up. A big project where I have to demonstrate leadership by creating a group or event. And not just forming a plan for a theoretical thing; I actually have to have the event.
The professor helped by suggesting working on something we’re passionate about, which works fine for other people: people with skills and a good attitude. Unfortunately, my skills and attitude are toxic lately. The only “passions” I have anymore (besides stuffing my fat maw) are wanting to be left alone and wanting to avoid any responsibilities.
I hate how lazy and selfish I’ve become but I don’t really want to try to change it. It’s just too hard and draining and I usually end up making colossal mistakes that end up reflecting bad on me with coworkers. Just today I called one classmate by the wrong name: she’ll remember me from here on out as the dippy girl with the bad attitude who won’t try to getting people’s names right, and the sad thing is it’s true. I don’t care about other people. All I care about is minimizing the damage I’m causing. The less visible I am, the less likely I am to offend other people.
Even if I summon up some great idea of a leadership event or group, it’s going to fail. Because I don’t really care about the project: I’m just doing it because I want to pass the class. Other people will see that I’m not really sincere about this, and they won’t want to join, or I’ll give a bad impression to them by showing them a bad project. It’s also why I don’t volunteer for things at work. Because I’m not reliable. I no longer hope that that will ever change.
I can’t do this project.
And I can’t ask my parents for help. Or my mom will make suggestions then get hurt if none of them appeal to me. Then she’ll get on my case about not trying hard enough and I know I should be willing to work harder to improve my situation but I just don’t want to.
And yes I am ashamed of having these feelings. Just not ashamed enough to do something about it, apparently.
I’m not sure what this involves, but I know how you feel and generally feel the same way. However once you get into something, it can surprise even you how much of a 180 you end up doing.
But of course you don’t want to count on that. So the best thing to do is try to leach off of another event and plan yours as a side show - something ancillary. Unless the requirement is that it’s a standalone thing, which I doubt, this should work. And this is the perfect time of year for it. There are county fairs, traveling carnivals, church events, street fairs and on and on.
All you have to do is find one and add something to it. You might not ace the course but it should be enough to pass and it will guarantee that much of the organizing will already be done for you.
I was wondering, are there any nonsuicide twenty-four-hour hotlines in the Chicago-ish area?
I’m not suicidal but I’d like to be able to reach a counsellor to talk, especially at night or on weekends. I don’t know if it’s okay to call a suicide hotline if you’re not planning suicide; that you need to leave those lines open for people who really need it. The ANAD support line is only available from 9-5, Monday through Friday, which really s*cks.
Not parents either. Right now my urges are to quit my job, quit school, and never take on another responsibility ever again (Not stuff they want to hear.)
I want to live: I just want to live the life of someone who can actually get stuff accomplished and have friends.
I’ve been such a slug lately. I do go through periods like this but this one has been especially bad. I think I’m finally coming out of it though. And I probably did need the rest. I normally need about 10 hour sleep but lately it’s closer to 12 with a 3 hour nap and the rest of the time the most I could really do was sit drooling in front of the tv.
I sort of welcome these periods though since I catch up on popular shows like Downton Abbey which I probably never would have watched otherwise.
I also catch up on my online shopping since I can’t really focus well enough to read my normal fare. Did you know that the 4k resolution tv’s are available now. Still quite pricey but only a bit more than what I paid for my current SXRD Sony model that is now about 6 or 7 years old - and which I still love.
Even so, I need to try to get back to doing at least a few constructive things each day and trying to feel semi-human.
You can always call a suicide/crisis hotline and ask them if there is a local non crisis line to call.
The NAMI helpline can help you find help in your area. They also have support groups for people with mental heath issues and separate groups for for the friends & family members. Their helpline isn’t 24 hours.
You said you’re in school, most colleges have some sort of student health service.
I hope some of this is helpful, take care.
Reading the last few posts makes me sad. Although after I was released from the hospital I thought it was more a matter of when (not if) I’d make another suicide attempt and if I tried it again I wouldl not fail. But lately, I find that I really want to live. So when I read that so many of you are struggling I feel sad that I don’t have anything to offer you except my compassion for what you’re going through.
I wish I could report that I was feeling better, but I’m not. I screwed up my knees somehow so I had to cancel my Hike for Mental Health today. I asked to work from home tomorrow since it’s so hard for me to move around with this knee pain. And of course just sitting around has made me depressed.
I really feel like a mess right now. I’m worried about my performance at work. We’re having a financial audit this week and I feel like I should be there.
Was lower than snail shit when I posted last. Funny thing is, this afternoon got worse. (More crisis.)
But I spent the evening perusing FB, looking at pix and reading Comments. And as basically worthless as I am some people remember me as the sizzle that comes after you pop the cork.
I DO like people and I’m loyal to those I love. (Wish I could extend that to me.) My track record is dismal, from childhood on; bad thing after bad thing after bad thing. But against all odds I’m still here.
So okay, we may be uprooted. But my insides have nothing to do with my outsides. I think I can thrive wherever I’m planted.
(Stay tuned tomorrow for when I skid to my knees and cry "Why me Lord? Why me!)
I’m calmer. I’m over my tantrum. I even thought of a couple of ideas that I could do, that would involve little face to face interaction.
Part of the reason I panicked was that I felt like I was going to be graded on my morality. The professor kept trying to defuse worries over this project by saying things like focus on something you really care about and think about things you’re good at. She gave one example about where one woman put together this knitting drive for the homeless, but felt bad because her project didn’t “solve the homeless problem.” This example hurt more than it helped because it made me realize:
a) I can’t knit. (I have no useful skills.)
b) I don’t care about the homeless. (I don’t have anything against them; it’s just I’m operating on self-preservation mode.)
c) My other classmates are high-achievers who incorporate “solving the homeless problem” as one of their life’s goals.
d) I am a horrible person who doesn’t care about the homeless or any other disadvantaged people. I’m a selfish person who thinks that my own problems are somehow worse than others’. I should just get over myself, (because apparently it’s that easy if you’re a good person.)
e) My project was going to fail. (How could it not?) And then everyone will know what a terrible, selfish person I really am. I’ll flunk the class. I’ll never get hired for a better job (not when I’m competing against people who actually “care”) and I’ll spend the rest of my life as a selfish burden in society. I felt truly toxic.
I still feel toxic. But I’m going to try.
P.S. Foggy, thank you for the numbers/ contact info.
Yeah, I did, just upthread a bit. And to Part One as well. Good stuff.
I’m not so much depressed right now as severely stressed and anxious, because not only did one of my favourite people in the universe die suddenly this month, but his family is attacking my mother, making outrageous and libelous accusations that she was stealing from him, was somehow culpable in his death, and tried to access his accounts after he died. What the actual fuck.
Yes, I saw it and it resonated with me. I sent it to family and friends and they said it helped them to understand what I was going through. I haven’t yet reached the laughter stage but I identified with the rest of it. I recommend it.
:eek: Seems to me that death oftentimes brings out the worst in people. I would try to remember, they are grieving, and people are crazy when they’re grieving.
Just posting to check in. I’ve been avoiding this thread lately, because thats what I do. I avoid things when I don’t want to deal with them. Work has been busy, draining all my energy away. things are calmer now. I had a panic attack at work, my first, and it was horrifying.
Any way… Passes talking stick to the next person in the circle
It’s a hallmark of both depression and anxiety, and probably one of my greatest struggles as well.
I’m feeling a little bit better today. I installed Leechblock on my browsers at home and work to try to tame the ‘‘lack of focus’’ issue I’ve been having. First day went pretty well, though it’s ridiculous how much my mind will try to distract me from doing work. I can’t tell you how many times I caught myself staring into space.
Well, still here and still not depressed. It’s honestly amazing to be me again. I had no faith in pharmapsychology but here I am a testament to its successes.
I, however, am going to probably have to change my life. I am just not happy with what I became while I was depressed. I surrounded myself with a life that supported that person. Now, it just doesn’t seem to make any sense.
Going to give it some time to see if this is some sort of strange after effect but I’m gonna have to start looking for places to live.
Not sure if by support you mean the good kind or the ‘enabling’ kind. Obviously you want to keep as much of your support network as you can just in case. I hope the meds give you a smooth ride indefinitely, but . . . you know . . .
Anyway, congrats. It’s so nice to hear success stories.
