Is it that you feel you’re overweight? Because my feelings at the time ran along the same lines as yours now, feeling “other.”
Checking in. I’ve been on the lamictal for about 2 months. Up to 100mg and going to 150 in 2 weeks. It seems to be helping the depression but I seem more on edge. Easy to push into anger or other irrational moods. Been talking to my psychiatrist about that and we’re in touch regularly.
The talk therapy has been good, but hard at the same time. I’m figuring out a lot about myself but sometimes it’s overwhelming. There’s so many issues, behavior patterns, destructive thought processes that I’ve had for so much of my life that all intertwine that it sometimes feels impossible to work on them. It’s like, I’m a perfectionist. But I’m that way because I feel like I’m never good enough. But I feel that way because of the rejection I feel for being gay in a religious up bringing. And that’s just the tip of it. It’s almost like the Gordon knot and sometimes I don’t think I can solve it. Or that if I pull too hard on any of the strings of my psyche that the whole thing will fall apart.
I’m still trying because its work that needs to be done.
“The talk therapy has been good, but hard at the same time. I’m figuring out a lot about myself but sometimes it’s overwhelming. There’s so many issues, behavior patterns, destructive thought processes that I’ve had for so much of my life that all intertwine that it sometimes feels impossible to work on them.”
Talk therapy takes time. After about four months, my therapist recommended group therapy (which I was initially opposed to) but ultimately found helpful. I had already tried cognative and behavioral therapy with limited results. You need to try out different sorts of solutions - don’t abandon them at the onset but you might be able to tell within one or two appointments if a therapist or a therapy isn’t working for you. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not working, but I think you know that already.
Thanks. I do know its worth it, but it is rough. Undoing a lifetime worth of crap is no small undertaking.
Actually posting when I’m not feeling panicked about something I did wrong. Actually got through the day without a major screwup (although a shelf fell on my arm and I had to ice it once I got home, but at least I’m not in trouble with my boss.)
Becky2844, I am sorry about your troubles with food, though I have to admit I’m also kind of envious. I spend a lot of time worrying that if I try to tell someone about my eating disorder – specifically, if I use the A word – people won’t believe me. They’ll think if I’m not the absolute skinniest person they’ve ever seen, than I must not really have an eating disorder and I’m just saying I do to get attention. (And that’s partially true. The underlying thinking is that if I was anorexic like those perfect girls in magazines, people would be nicer to me and I’d have more success in my life.)
As for my eating habits, I’ll only say I eat a hell of a lot more than I wish I did.
OTOH, I really can’t afford another hospital stay. The last one tanked my savings.
Zago, I can understand the impatience. It never hurts to remind yourself that it takes time but it is possible. And sometimes it’s not just one thing that cures your ailment, but several different solutions together. Or sometimes the therapy that you need at the moment changes. Mental disorders are wily that way.
Thank you everyone who replied to my thread in The Pit. Hoping you all have a brighter week ahead.
That’s why I don’t like to use numbers but I was trying to let you know I understand. In our sickness it is a competition—except the winner loses.
We could discuss reasons why people reach that point if you want.
Change, finding normal, is okay. The bodies we walk around in are only containers for the us inside.
Back again.
Becky2844, it occurred to me that I used the wrong words for your eating disorder, and I apologize. Because eating disorders are hard to define, I’ve gotten used to saying “troubles” in the Irish sense. It’s an understatement, to say the least, and I don’t mean to dismiss or trivialize your eating disorder. I understand that “troubles” about food involves much more mental torture than people in general realize.
I’m glad you’ve come to a place of better acceptance, and that even though the thoughts might still come, you are better able to ignore them and let other things into your life.
It was resolved by age and circumstances and I’m far from thin now. 
I was sharing to let you know you’re not alone in your struggles and was wondering what some/any of us could do to help.
I don’t have delusions of popularity or anything, but on the off-chance that anyone wondered where I went (especially given the thread topic), I’m ok and didn’t intentionally disappear, just had to forgo internet access in favor of more necessary things like food for awhile. I did go back to work in May, and things have been going fairly well. Not great, but I am functional not haunted by the suicidal and self-harming thoughts and feelings of worthlessness I had been dealing with as an early participant in this thread, and I want to thank everyone here for your support. Just having people around who understand and care, to vent to is such a huge help sometimes, in ANY situation.
I haven’t caught up on the discussion yet, but I hope everyone is doing well, or at least hanging in there. I was so thrilled when I saw that the thread was still active after so many months!
-Donna
I have my first therapy session ever this Friday (going for anxiety, depression, bereavement issues), and I’m nervous as all get out.
Someone help me out: what kind of thing can I expect to talk about at a first session? I imagine “tell me why you’re here” and “what do you want to get out of therapy.” Do I have to go into my whole life story? I’m so nervous about this.
Also, the appointment is at 5:00 on Friday evening, and I’m worried that my therapist is going to be exhausted from the week and won’t really listen to me. (Not that I intend to go into anything too deeply on my first day but whatever, it just gives me something more to worry about!)
Making the appointment is a brave first step, congratulations on that. Being nervous is perfectly normal, hell I was posting here from the parking lot while I was smoking and not wanting to go in for my first.
My first session, he asked a bunch of questions. First to ask what brought me in, then we went through a bunch of things from my childhood, recent events and such. I didn’t feel that I had to share anything I didn’t want to and there’s still plenty I haven’t gone into. We went through symptoms, including making sure I wasn’t a danger to myself or others, sleep patterns, eating, drinking, drug use, and so on.
Mostly I would say be as honest as you can. Tell them anything that you feel comfortable saying, but try not to be afraid of saying the uncomfortable things as well. If you have issues like drinking, drugs, or other things like that, please do bring them up. They can help better if they know what’s going on.
Good on you for taking the first step! It really does get easier to keep taking the rest of the needed steps as you go.
There are no rules, so try to relax.
Some therapists operate as “blank slates” and expect you to lead the session. They essentially let you do all the talking. They’ll sit in silence if you don’t say anything.
And then some therapists are the complete opposite. Mine is like this. Sometimes I have to clear my throat to get her to shut up. 
But she is good with asking questions and getting me to open up. I definitely prefer this kind of approach over the other one, but everyone is different.
Your therapist will probably ask some questions about the immediate reasons you’re seeking out therapy, so she or he can come up with a tentative diagnosis for your paperwork. You’re auditioning them, so if anyone’s should be nervous, it shouldn’t be you.
Don’t assume you’re the last one. Some therapists hold evening hours or they work on weekends. Maybe he or she always takes the day off on Thursdays. Therapists can be weird like that.
I like having the last appointment of the day because there’s no pressure to end at a certain time and I don’t have to worry about bumping into people on the way out. Chances are you will try out a number of days and times before you get settled into a regular slot. So you’ll have an opportunity to see which work for you best.
Good luck.
Thanks very much for the assurance and encouragement! It sounds like a) the first meeting will be pretty laid-back, and b) I won’t really know what I’m in for until I get there, so there’s nothing specific for me to be nervous about. I’m going to a clinic in which all the practitioners have their own styles of therapy, and I don’t know which therapist I’ll be seeing, so I’ll just have to wait to find out what my experience will be like.
One of the reasons I’m going to therapy is that I have a really hard time sticking up for my boundaries, so I’m already practicing saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable talking about that just yet. I’d like to wait until I’m more comfortable with the whole therapy thing first” just to give me a leg up in case I have to put the breaks on exploring any overwhelming areas on the first day.
[QUOTE=monstro]
You’re auditioning them, so if anyone’s should be nervous, it shouldn’t be you.
[/quote]
That’s a good point and I need to remind myself that if I don’t click with a particular therapist, I can always ask to see someone else. I listen to the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, and Paul the host has talked about the momentary awkwardness of switching to a new therapist within the same clinic as the old one, but it seems like it’s no big deal.
(BTW, that’s a great podcast and I recommend it to anyone in the thread who hasn’t heard it. The guests are minor celebrities, regular listeners, friends of the host, therapists, just a whole mix of people talking about their experiences with mental illness, therapy, trauma, and/or substance abuse. And there’s more humor in it than you’d think.)
Well, I’m back from my first ever therapy session. I ran my mouth off and cried and I’m feeling kind of ashamed of myself now for being so jittery and chatterboxy when I was in there, but, hey, at least she could see how anxious I was, right?
The therapist was a really calm, soothing person who seems like she will be easy to talk to. She says we’re going to focus on mindfulness and emotional regulation and more holistic self-affirmation rather than be solution-focused. Like, for example, I have some compulsive behaviors that I brought up, and she said rather than focus on stopping the behavior we’ll be working on the whole picture and the behavior may stop on its own. That actually made me feel good because I’ve always thought the CBT model of therapy is off-putting to me in how robotic and behavioral-conditioning it is.
I think I’ll be a lot calmer when I next see her, and maybe I won’t feel so embarrassed by the time I walk out. When I got to my car, I cried, but I feel better now.
I have to admit, I’m proud of myself for finally getting off my ass and going to a therapist. Last year, when I turned 34 (in June) I decided to spend the year working on my physical health; this will be the year of mental health. 35. Midway on our life’s journey, I found myself in dark woods, the right road lost. I’m gonna go look for it.
gallows,
I’m proud of you too. Don’t feel bad about crying/being upset or being chatterboxy. After all, isn’t it just an honest expression of your mental/emotional health? It’s good for her to see you in the raw, it helps her to help you.
I can’t believe summer’s almost over (academic-wise, at least.)
The whole month of August has been a nonstop orgy of stupidity and failure. Today I missed a get together with coworkers because I couldn’t find the house. I MapQuested it beforehand but even then I mistook one similar named street for another and got hopelessly lost and almost ran out of gas.
I’m hoping that when August ends that my orgy of failure will end.
OTOH, my fall classes will start and I hate the idea of having more homework and more responsibilities that I have no energy to do and will screw up anyway.
And there was this girl in my support group that rubbed me the wrong way. She had just gotten out of inpatient treatment. She talked about how she was worried about her classes and not being able to concentrate. She’s one of those perfect girls I read about, those mega-overachievers who had never gotten a grade lower than an A++ in her life. I just couldn’t sympathize with her worries. She’ll have a wonderful future full of opportunities, awards, and accolades. She will never have to worry about unemployment or rejection or disapproval.
I realize how venomous I sound. I know she doesn’t really deserve it. As my ED voices are telling me, it’s not her fault I’m a failure.
I won’t be going to that support group anymore, because of a schedule change with my classes, so I don’t have to worry about running into her again.
I am sorry for my misdirected anger, but I am aware it is misdirected and will continue to remind myself that the problem is me: that if I could try to get more accomplished with my life, I wouldn’t have to feel so jealous.
Pardon. Stream of consciousness.
Knew it was coming… sort-of. Things had been going pretty well for almost a year. a few bouts of dark moods, never more than an hour or two, but they were getting longer. Luckily, I had friends and people to talk to about it.
but i kept feeling that was getting more and more tenuous.
i knew it was coming. on saturday, a party. the one that was so good last year. the one that convinced me i should try to get out into the world, try to make my life better.
of course, things like this don’t last. i come in with only stories of failure, of projects left unfinished. of course people don’t want to talk to me, or interact with me. i’m left watching movies while others are out back having a good time. the dark mood begins.
we’re now in the 47th hour of that mood. i tried to work. tried to get a project going. i’m stuck at the 80% finished mark because, hey, i can’t finish anything i start. i’m a failure like that, and in other ways.
binge-eating again. for weeks. so much for the weight loss.
but i have friends i can turn to, right?
‘for our dearest friend, with love and gratitude’ - it’s the words on the side of my computer. surely they’ll be there for me.
no. told that ‘it’s just depression’, and when, hurt and needing solace, i’m told that it makes no difference to them if i talk about it or not, i realize that the only times i’ve talked to them at all in months is when they need something (money, entertainment, help moving house) from me.
they were my dearest friends.
i’ll admit, i have a deeply-rooted block against suicidal thoughts. i’ll admit, if i didn’t… i’d be thinking them very hard right now.
i don’t know how to deal with this any more. probably just go back to sleep. at least i won’t be eating.
Another crazy week. I had my mid year performance evaluation at work. On the technical aspects I did great, on the behaviors and interpersonal stuff, lets say it was less than stellar. I had decided before I wasn’t going to tell my manager about my mental health issues but I had to. It was that or let them think I just couldn’t handle the job. It really hurts because I’ve had years of excellent evaluations, but my ability to keep it together has really fallen apart in the last year.
I think it’s going to be ok. We had a good talk and they are being very supportive and offering to help me find a position that doesn’t require much if any customer facing interaction. For now we’re just leaving the information I told her as something between us and not a full ‘management disclosure’ which I think is the best for now.
Antinor01, I’m glad you had a good talk with your manager. Sometimes a manager’s support can make the difference between you being able to continue working, or having to stop working or change jobs completely.
It’s heartening that they will help you find a position that’s better for you too. I find a lot of public contact is very triggering for me. I do fine with a few co-workers, but the public is another matter entirely.
Hang in there!
Sorry that I haven’t been on a while.
Glad the month is over.
No crises today, though I’m mildly panicked about getting my projects for the semester started right now. Basically, I’m trying to get the work done now and I won’t have to panic at the end of the semester, when my grades might suffer from it.
And the usual thoughts: that I would have a lot more done by now if I weren’t so lazy and indecisive. That I’m wasting time because I can’t commit myself to my work. That I shouldn’t be selfish and shirk my assignments. It seems like I’ll never unlearn my lazy habits.
OTOH, the work doesn’t seem as massively overwhelming as it did over the summer. That’s something.
Have a good Labor Day weekend, everyone.