SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
761

I wonder what is worse. Having a therapist who underestimates how strong you are, or one who thinks you’re a lot stronger than you actually are?

Sometimes I feel like my therapist thinks I’m a lot sicker than I am. Like, if she has to go out of town, she’ll assure me that I can always talk to her colleague if I need someone to talk to. I hardly ever call her, so why would I call her colleague, a person I barely know? It makes me feel like she must think I’m always on the verge of falling apart.

But then she’ll give me a homework assignment that is too hard for me, that makes me feel like a failure.

I’m guessing it’s better to have your therapist know your flaws first. The strengths will come out as she gets to know you, but she can’t help you if all she sees is your “good” side. And there’s nothing worse than someone downplaying your problems because they don’t see how someone as put together as yourself could have any problem.

762

That’s very true – a lot of my anxiety actually comes from people assuming I’m more capable than I (think I?) really am, and that’s probably why I play dumb (among other things) a lot. My parents used to do that to me growing up, usually in the form of making me perform in public when I wasn’t ready or making me join organizations or activities where I was vastly underqualified compared to everyone else…but also in the form of “What do you mean you’re depressed? You’re fine! Anyway, you can’t be depressed, you didn’t have my childhood.”

I don’t know, it’s a tough line to balance – oscillating between being taken for being stronger than you are or weaker. Both extremes suck.

I guess it’s a matter of letting go of the need to manage how other people see us and just being honest with our therapists, trusting that the therapy session is a safe space.

763

Back at work today (my doc only have me a week off). been working on my anxiety issues so we’ll see how it goes. So far so good.

764

You’re probably not going to want to hear this, but I suffer from severe PMDD, complete with thoughts of self-harm, and it’s been getting progressively worse and the duration has been getting longer as I get older. I’ve tried every-goddamn-thing out there. I’ve tried exercise. I’ve tried fresh air and sunshine. I’ve tried B-complex vitamins. I’ve tried drinking water and giving up caffeine. (Giving up caffeine made it worse, IMO.) I tried going on the Pill. (Also made it worse.) Basically, if there’s a home remedy out there for PMS, I’ve tried it. The only thing that has worked to provide actual relief is taking Prozac. My doctor told me to take it every day and not just around my period, because my symptoms were so severe, but taking it just for a week or two might be worth trying.

Or maybe you don’t want to go that route, which is cool. I just got to the point where I was a nonfunctional human being for pretty much two weeks out of every four, and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I’m really thankful that the medication worked, because nothing else had and I was feeling pretty desperate.

765

This is tangential to my previous post, but I ran across some blogger on Twitter a while back with a fairly large following, who tweeted about some study showing that PMS is not actually a thing. Her tweets were basically to the effect of, “Ha, this is something that is all in women’s heads and as feminists we’re not doing ourselves any favors by pretending we’re out of control monsters once a month.”

I really wanted to reach through the computer and shake her senseless. Okay, maybe most women don’t suffer from anything you might call a serious mood disorder around the time of their period. But it’s a pretty solidly proven fact that a tiny percentage of us do, and it is serious, and it can lead to self-harm, and dismissive bullshit like, “Oh, PMS is made-up and you’re doing it for attention” can keep people from seeking help for it until it is too late. Stupid bitch. (No, I am not experiencing PMS at the moment. This is just what I am like on regular days.)

766

I used to believe that bullshit too, MsWhatsit. I wanted to believe that I could have a “happy period” like those bitches on the TV commercials and be a “strong” woman.

But that was back when my only PMS symptoms were bloat and water weight gain. Now that I experience psychiatric symptoms on a semi-regular basis, I realize how damaging that rhetoric is.

How fast does Prozac take to work? If I took it for a week every month, would it really make a difference?

767

I noticed some relief of symptoms after just a few days, but that might not mean anything, because my problem is so cyclical anyway. Supposedly it takes a couple of weeks to really take effect. So I have no idea if taking it one week per month would do anything. My feeling is that if you want to minimize how much you’re taking, it couldn’t hurt to start with one week and see if you get any relief after a month or two.

PMDD is like a nightmare for me. I think of it as the monster that lives inside my brain. I remember when I was in college and talking about girl stuff with some friends, and that was the first time I realized that not everyone has this experience - like, some people really do just get a little bloating and that’s all. I get a little bloating plus feelings of total worthlessness and thinking that it would be a great idea to leave my husband because he’d be better off without me anyway, etc. Ugh.

768

Just had to fire my newish therapist. Damn.

TLDR version: The guy wouldn’t do what I asked.

I’ve had more than my share of therapists and through a long process of elimination have found out some things which do and don’t work for me. I’ve finally gotten to the position where I can be upfront with a counselor about my needs.

So a couple of months back, I decided to go back into therapy for depression, anxiety and other issues. I call a counseling center and talk to the intake person. She asked that I look over the profiles of the therapists and see if I had any requests.

I send an email summarizing my issues and say that it looks like two particular therapists may be good matches, and what I specifically liked about their profiles. One of the therapists (I’ll call him John) has that he sees himself as a partner in the process. I like that as I’ve known too many therapists who want to push their solution.

John is available and he emails me. I respond again with a summary of my issues, and tell him I’m really happy to read that he likes being a partner. I let him know that (1) I’ve got some really deep issues relating to the severe abuse I had as a child, (2) that I’ve had years of therapy and have found some specific techniques which do work and others which don’t, I briefly outline some of them, and (3) while I need to continue working on deeper issues, I really want to first concentrate on getting into a good routine, including getting exercise. This is to help me stabilize my emotions and which will help me work on the deeper issues. I also wanted to work on things, such as consistently getting housework done which have helped in the past, but which I’m not doing well now.

I also acknowledge that this is probably a really direct email and if he doesn’t feel comfortable providing therapy given my many requests, that I would completely understand.

He replied that he was cool with it and looked forward to working with me.

We start the therapy, and he just doesn’t want to do what I have asked. When I talk to him about it, he says that he’s not particularly strong in that area. OK, but let’s work on it. No, he continues to steer the conversation into the direction he wants. I have a harder time being as direct in person and I get frustrated. I talk about wanting to work on my routines. He thinks it’s better to discuss what is happening in the session first.

We go through this several times. He has a month’s leave and in his absence, I work on some issues myself. Things start to feel much better. He comes back and emails me that he’s ready to resume. I let him know that I really, really want to work on the stuff I’ve asked. He says that he’s learned that he needs to respect my wishes.

And then he doesn’t. We have two sessions and he’s really happy with the progress.

Then we run into a major problem. I had had an issue with my wife and he gave some advice. Fine. Standard stuff. Then he asks if there wasn’t something I could do to help strength the relationship. I ask for clarification and he was thinking that maybe I could do more housework.

Fuck. That really pissed me off. He didn’t want to discuss it when it was my idea, but now he was all over it because it was his idea. It was at the end of the session and I just left, I told him I was too upset to talk about it.

The next week he emails and hopes we can resolve the problem. It’s “better” for me to face my issues. I decide to try to give it one more shot and go back in.

When I reiterate what I was looking for in therapy, and point out that I had been very clear from the beginning, he got really defensive. He said how much time he had spent outside our session thinking about what I wanted, etc. and that even though he normally doesn’t do what I’m asking, and that he really isn’t good at it, he guessed that maybe he could try.

Oh, and he just wanted to point out that he was really super excited about a point which matched his expectations.

I said that it was obvious that his heart wasn’t into it. He got defensive again, and said that he didn’t know how else he could help me. I agreed. I didn’t see how he could help me, either. I paid in cash, as I always do. Got up and walked out.

I felt really down for a couple of days, but typing this out, I’m feeling much better about my decision.

769

Being laid off last week has played hell with my mental health. The medication is keeping a lot of the depression symptoms sort of at bay, but the anxiety, worry, feelings of worthlessness and such are there in spades. I’ve had no appetite so I’m barely eating and have lost like 8 pounds in the last couple weeks. I’m trying to keep myself up so I can get some interviews, but it almost seems pointless. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Tuesday, so we’ll see what happens. I know she’s going to think it was because of the week medical leave, but I’ve seen the paperwork and the decision had been made before that.

770

For what it’s worth, aerobic exercise (or even just walking) can help with your appetite and stress. Just forcing yourself out for a walk can be good.

771

Thanks. I’ve been trying to get some exercise. Walking, hands weights and such. I’ve been forcing myself to eat at least once a day, even when I don’t want to.

772

This is good. Sometimes even just moving your body to a new location (like, outside your house) can help a little. Sometimes when things get really bad for me, even just moving off the couch and going to sit on the front step can help a little bit.

I’m sorry to hear about your layoff. We’ve been there several times and even though my husband and I are both in reasonably stable job situations now, the anxiety still affects me. Hang in there.

773

Thought this might be of interest to some and since this time of year can be stressful I thought it might be good to revive the thread.

Sleep therapy to treat depression

edit: more info herebut I’m not familiar with this org and haven’t read the article.

774

I deal with it due to a mix of genetics, past trauma and current ennui. I’m sure they all contribute. Plus some health problems got aggravated the last few weeks which is also deflating me.

I try various things to keep it under control. What bothers me is the fact that the world is getting better mostly and I can’t contribute. I can try to be a decent person but by and large sometimes just getting through the day is hard. All these people inventing cures for diseases, improving IT, fighting for social justice, etc. And I am barely able to clean my apartment. It sucks, if that makes sense.

I’ve tried Ssris but always had to quit due to side effects. Plus recent research shows they don’t really help with mild depression. I’m in therapy which helps, but that doesn’t make life good. It just makes it less bad.

775

Been out of the thread for a long while, due to my depression actually… being pretty good. But the last… two? Three? weeks… they’ve been hell.

I’m currently staying in my grandmother’s guest room (she’s not living here), and the the mattress is old (it was my mother’s when she was in high school), and it’s actually not too bad, but it doesn’t have an allergy cover, and never has, so my allergies have been kicking up something fierce. Between all the other life things, I’ve been struggling to get to sleep, and then not sleeping well due to allergies. I’m so exhausted. I literally have started to doze off at work and hallucinated (or dropped straight in to dream? It’s a little fuzzy).

So, I mean, really, it might not be depression, it could very well be straight up sleep deprivation. Sure feels a lot like the last time I had a depressive episode.

So, I’ve been having some really irrational thought patterns. Like, the other day, my mom texted me “Hey, could you come over and help me move something after you’re done at the library?” I was completely convinced she wanted to yell at me and have a fight. Why? No clue. We’d had an argument a few days before, but we’d cried and hugged it out and were cool. I sat in my car in the parking lot of the library shaking in anxiety because of it. (Driving home after helping her move the couch - which was what she wanted! - was the moment I was like, Wow, I’m not dealing well at the moment.)

My ex hasn’t been helping this week. He turned into the nightmare ex, which sucks. But, our house hasn’t sold (after six months on the market!), and I finally told him that I cannot pay rent on two places, and he really need to take responsibility for the house. He knew this was coming. I’ve been telling him for months that I’m going to be F’d if the house doesn’t sell, and he’s still on the mortgage, and I can’t re-fi when I’m unemployed, no matter what he wants. So now he’s taking the opportunity to yell at me and blame me and try to keep manipulating me into making his life the perfect little thing he wants, and it’s all my fault that it’s not. God, it’s fucking exhausting dealing with him. I’m not the one who decided to buy a new car in the middle of getting a divorce.

So, yeah… Life sucks. I can’t deal with another hallucination. I know it’s related to the sleep, but those… those suck. I don’t even understand how people who have, like, REAL hallucinations deal with it. I HATE having irrational thoughts, they are infuriating to someone who values logic and math and such, and I hate having to deal with my ex (especially recently… we had a really great, nice conversation the other night and I kinda fell for him all over again. I mean, given my history, clearly I have an unhealthy soft spot for manipulative dudes with dark hair, but… ugh. Why? Also, why’s he fucking my former bestie? Like, seriously, one of the problems he had with me was that I was too bitchy and my boobs weren’t big enough, and now he’s with HER? WTF?)

And, for our dark humor moment, because we all need it… Damnit, depression… last go-around, you made it easy to just not care about eating and loose weight. This go-around, you want all the cookie dough that exists. I could seriously stand to lose a few, so… why don’t we go back to the not caring?

776

If it’s too mild for prescriptions to be effective, it might respond to vitamins and other supplements like St. John’s Wort. Even just a B-complex multivitamin can make a difference in mood level, not necessariy noticeable when taking it but obvious when one stops. Well, by ‘one’ I mean me and others I’ve know who’ve responded to it, obviously not everything works for everyone.

I find that the B vitamins help with the overall mood, and vitamin D helps reduce the unpleasant physical effects of anxiety (for me, a heart that pounds so much that it won’t let me sleep). To boost my energy levels I take CoQ10, which took a little getting used to as it made me somewhat dizzy at first until I adjusted. But it does seem to give me a bit more alertness and energy during the day when I include it in my morning handful of pills. I haven’t tried St John’s Wort myself, but I’ve heard that it’s only good for mild depression and won’t have much effect on worse cases.

777

Ha, I can relate. I lost 30 pounds in a month once because I couldn’t manage any solid food at all. I was basically living on water with lemon juice and maple syrup in it, gummi multivitamins, and the occasional milkshake. It was not a healthy way to lose weight, but I did feel lots better once I came out the other side and was able to eat again. Now I weight 20 pounds more than I did before the weight loss, and most of it is down to comfort eating.

I hope your ex issues get sorted out soon, that kind of anxiety and frustration rollercoaster can really do a number on you.

778

I’m sorry to revive this thread after so long, but I can’t contact my girlfriend and the few friends that I talk to about this sort of thing and I think I need to write this stuff down anyway.

The last couple of weeks have been awful. I haven’t been able to sleep (and don’t want to), and I can’t get any work done or find pretty much anything in my life that makes it worth living. I started a summer job in may and for some reason the anxiety issues that had been stable came back, along with my depression, which was also much better recently. But I’m back to having a constant pain in my chest and having constant thoughts of suicide and how I’ve fucked up pretty much everything. And upsetting my girlfriend, who’s ridiculously supportive, and who I hurt with this bullshit pretty much all the time, and who really is the only reason why I’m still here at all, because I don’t want to hurt her like that.

I’ve been so nervous that I’ve taken some days off work and when I’m there I can’t get anything done and I’ve started to hold up other peoples projects and they’re rightfully angry and I can’t even look them in the eye. And then today I was supposed to have a meeting with a group on a project that they expected to be done but that I haven’t even started and I had a panic attack and walked out just before the meeting. And then I drove to a the Sleeping Giant to an overlook and freaked out/read a book I had sitting on the platform over the cliff and tried to decide whether or not to jump off it. For like 6 straight hours. Obviously I didn’t, and I really didn’t even get close, but I’m scared that I went that far and even if I’m feeling a little better now I don’t know whether or not I want to keep doing any of this, or whether I’m going in to work tomorrow, or whether I should quit, and I really just can’t get the energy to do anything other than ask myself why I fuck everything up like this.

779

Do you have a psychologist or psychiatrist? I have some of the same issues you are describing. (Really, almost exactly the same ones.) I’ve started taking some medication for anxiety and depression. Also seeing a counselor. I think you should find a dr. quickly. Good luck.

780

Don’t hang your life-spirit on anyone else, as your reason for still being alive. Even if your girlfriend is great the only person you can always depend on to be there is you. You can turn to others for support but you are your reason for living, for wanting a fulfilling life and a life as stress-free as possible.

Since it sounds like you are in crisis the last thing you need right now is a high-pressure job IMHO. You do need immediate counseling. If you had a compound fracture would you expect yourself to stand alone?

Call and get help now. You can sort out the whys and ways to get better later, during treatment.

Do know that you are important and have reasons to be here and to share throughout your lifetime. Make it a long one and congratulate yourself every day for roughing the white water, riding the wave, and keeping your head above water every time.