Second showers for twins

In My Humble Opinion
1

Been debating whether to post this, then, reading some other stuff, and thinking about the average age, and swath of experience here, plus the fact that it’s pretty anonymous, so I decided, why not? It won’t be the final say-so, but maybe it’ll help me.

A friend (the child of a friend, but actually, someone I attend morning minyan with almost every day, and lately, it seems I see her more than her mother), has found out she is expecting twins.

It’s her third pregnancy.

She is very well-known in the community (rightfully-- did more volunteer work than anyone I know before the first baby, and still does an awful lot, and has a job in addition), and had a huge shower before the first baby.

Now, behind her back, which is sort of chafing me all by itself, there’s this debate about whether she “deserves” a second shower.

Some people are being sticklers for the idea that you have a shower for the first, and get everything you need, and that’s it, while others are pointing out that you need twice as much stuff for twins, not to mention, maybe new maternity clothes.

Then there’s a whole “But she does so much” faction, as though anything other than having a baby qualifies a person for a shower.

My personal opinion is that she ought to have a second shower, but it should be low-key (the first one was catered)-- like, maybe bringing a dessert or h’orderves rather than a gift could be an option, and gifts should be pretty much confined to the “twin” motif, or gift cards to places where she can get maternity clothes. And even quality second-hand stuff would be great.

I’ve been told that mentioning gifts on invitations is wrong, which custom I’m well-aware of, but I always thought that showers were the exception, since the entire purpose was to give gifts.

I haven’t got my slogan together, but there’s got to be a way to word the invitation to say that you can give whatever you want, but since they’ve already got a lot of stuff, things specifically for twins are especially needed. And if you aren’t in a position to give, or even bake cookies, your well-wishes are welcome.

Once she knows there’s a shower, she and her husband might put up a wishlist someplace. Right now, no one had officially said anything. But I’m sure she has some idea there’s whispering.

Given her personality, if she gets wind there’s any serious debate, I’m sure she’ll put a stop to it, which is why I’d kinda like to truncate things ASAP, which means “hosting,” but I can’t afford anything close to the first shower. I don’t mind booking the social hall at the synagogue, managing invitations and guest list, set-up & tear-down, and everything, though-- making sure not everyone brings fruit salad, etc.

I’d host at my place, but it’s hostile to guest parking, and I have room for a party of about 12. 20 if I figure out some way to use the bedrooms for traffic. That will leave out a lot of people out who’d want to come.

OK-- long enough. Hard to wrap up, but I think everyone can grasp the dilemma. Advice, opinions, anecdotes, all welcome.

2

Hmmm?

I think I would ask the Mother to be.
Maybe she’s not up for it or doesn’t need it. Gifts and such might be overwhelming.

If you’re not up for asking her, ask her Mom.

And if you do host, gather others around to help you. I bet you’ll get lots of help with it.

ETA …my DIL had a huge shower for the first baby girl. Church, friends and family. Second girl, none.
Her twin boys, her sisters threw a party and people brought gifts and giftcards.

3

Two kids are tough to deal with. Extra baby stuff will help a lot. There’s no need for another shower though, her friends could just give her stuff individually or pitch in for a pile of necessities. She won’t need twice as many baby scissors and snot suckers, just extra diapers or pampers, those little t-shirts that cover there hands, and stuff meant for newborns.

4

Oh, that kind of shower.

I was trying to formulate a twins practical joke on the parents involving who did and who did not take a shower.

(Anyone else, or is it just me?)

5

What does she actually want and need? I’d be asking her this first. I’m with Beck there.

When you ask her, I would tell her what you’re willing to do. It doesn’t sound like anybody else besides you feels like hosting.

Then you could discuss the options together.

All that gossip would drive me insane. I hope she pays it no mind.

6

Wasn’t just you.

7

She’s definitely gonna need two cribs, at some point. (Take my word for it they will quit sleeping in the same one pretty quickly. If you wanna sleep yourself, you separate them. DIL would like hers to be in separate rooms at this point)
Maybe take up donations for another, if she still has one from the older child, in lieu of a shower.

And, as for bath type showers, Son-of-a-wrek says he takes 2 each night. One boy goes in with him. Hand off and second boy goes in. He loves smelling like baby wash. So precious.

8

Not just you. I was imagining someone contemplating having another bathroom put in, so both twins could take a shower at the same time.

9

I’d straight out tell her that people are excited for her and are wondering if there are any explicit needs for baby items and some would like to throw her a twins shower.

What she and her husband may really need or want is after the babies arrive are wholesome meals provided and caretakers for the other kids to get them out of the house doing fun stuff or house cleaners.

I recently got an email blast about a similar situation. It was a request for baby items for a woman about to undergo her third cesarean birth and finally it’s going to be a girl. They submitted a list of needed items to welcome their “ little Princess”. Oh good for them but it kinda irritated me.

10

That would irritate me too. I hope she grows up to be a construction foreperson. Or Speaker of the House.

Yeah, I guess I should ask her (call her E, so this is less confusing), but maybe I will approach her mother first. I see E more, and we have breakfast after minyan, even though I have to cut out fast for work, but I have known her mother longer, and we’ve have coffee and lunch together a lot. I really haven’t spent any time alone with E, and if I ask to talk to her, it may seem ominous.

More than anything, she’ll probably want to give us a time-- when she gets past whatever point twins are pretty safe not to miscarry, and when there’s still time for unpacking and setting up anything they get.

What I know of E, if I tell her that people want to celebrate this occasion, with either food or gifts, she’ll be happy, and she’s also way into reduce-reuse-recycle, so if I tell her people would love a chance to pass on very gently used (and new enough to comply with safety standards) stuff so she has enough for two, she’d be thrilled.

I know she starts to sound annoying at this point, but she is actually one of the most likable people I know. She should have been a diplomat.

11

We have a committee at the synagogue that take care of this-- any new parents, people just released from the hospital for any reason, people in any kind of situation of any sort-- unless they request privacy-- are cared for, by people who sign up on an online calendar, and there are notes about allergies, vegetarianism, and level of kashrut (if it’s very high, then people go and cook at the synagogue kitchen).

They overwhelmed me when I was released from the hospital a few years ago for surgery for twisted gut.

12

Not just you. I was wondering why twins need more shower facilities than kids born a year apart.

13

Being the parent of twins born just 2 1/2 years after the first child, we needed a lot of specialized twin stuff, new car seats, a second crib, twin stroller, two dozen diapers a day, etc.

Instead of a lot of little shower gifts, maybe the friends could pool their resources and get one or two of the big ticket items.

A diaper service is a great gift when you have to change two kids multiple times a day.

14

Wow, maybe the gossip is worth it, then. We had nobody as new parents.

15

My kids aren’t quite twins - they’re 13 months apart. And what I needed most was the bigger items - car seat, stroller , crib etc. There might be enough clothing from the older kids to dress twins but unless those two are as close as mine , there probably are not two cribs, a double stroller, enough car seats for two kids.

I think twins ( along with a large gap between children) are one of the exceptions to the one shower per person rule. Sure, you’re expected to save the crib, clothes, etc - but nobody gets a tandem stroller when they expect a singleton and nobody expects you to still use ( or even still have) the things originally bought for your 14 year old.

16

That was my thinking.

17

I was thinking it was a debate whether parents could force the twins to shower together to save water, or if they could shower separately, one going first, then the second.

18

Just for the sake of info, you never have to force young kids to bathe together. They decide it’s no longer fun in due time.

19

I agree with the people who say “Ask the parents what they want” and chances are, it will be something like “Casseroles.”

20

parent of twins. You simply need a lot more stuff than with one. twin baby seats, strollers, and just more clothes.

My brother in law had a child late after having lost of child young. The friends and family sent garbage bags full of their no long used baby stuff. My brother in law then culled the herd and sent a huge box of stuff over when I was living in Shanghai with Twins. It was freaking great. So many useful clothes. and everything we outgrew bot reused by others until they were rags