Couple of things I can add. I had a similar problem with my gf a couple of years ago. When we first going out everything was great, new and exciting. We didn’t live together and I used to travel down at the weekends. Guaranteed sex then. Then we moved in together, thought it’d be on tap. Was wrong about that. Went from several times a week to maybe every other week. I expressed my disatisfaction and promptly compounded the problem by going out drinking several nights a week (went back to uni). Think she felt threatened by this as I’d come home in the early hours (once as she was leaving for work). So that was pretty stupid on my part.
Started working full time and slipped to once every couple of weeks with me being rejected almost every night. The answer I got was the ole “woo me” thing. This was contentious to me as I thought well that means I have to do all the work, doesn’t she want it too? Why can’t I be pampered and seduced too? So what incredibly intelligent plan did I come up with? I chose not to pursue her and see how long it took! :wally I’d still be waiting now. And we did discuss it, up to the point when she burst into tears everytime which made me feel bad. The answer btw was that she was just too tired, time etc.
Eventually came to a close when she phoned on her day off to meet me for lunch and discuss it. We did in the pub. We told each other everything that was on our minds, something we’re not bad at incidentally. Went back to work. Got home, and was promptly seduced. Which was cool, however I can now say that after all the discussions we’re right back there where we started. Maybe once a week, it’s now been around 10 days… didn’t help when she took a job as a cop and does shift work.
And here’s the parallel. I won’t ever leave her. Yes it’s really important to me, but we’re soulmates. Inellect, humour etc. on a level, just that one thing that could do with a bit of gusto. Incidentally, near as I can tell she always orgasms and we both enjoy oral everythime…
As far as toys are concerned, I don’t think we should ever use them as a substitute. Got nothing against them and she does have one (that I know of ), she just doesn’t use it. She knows anytime she wants sex, she can…
Elys, hang in there, you wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t right but it does need sorting out. The one thing that stood out for me was the anger issues he has. He’s raging against something and I suspect thats the carry over…
Wait, this is a contradictory statement here: he’s “caring, loving, sweet” but he doesn’t give two shits about getting you off? Does. Not. Compute. You get him excited yesterday morning and he does nothing? Damn girl, that is really sad.
You say you can talk to him for hours and tell him everything, but you couldn’t work up the nerve to ask where the toys are? Does. Not. Compute.
Can you imagine what would happen if a woman refused to give their man an orgasm during sex? Like, have sex for a few minutes and just stop before orgasm and get up and say “I have to go make coffee?” Damn, that is Just. Plain. Wrong. Elysian, that is exactly what he is doing to you! That is NOT caring, loving or sweet.
Much better today, as you can probably see from the gleam of my smile. He came home from work yesterday and seduced me and it was great.
However, because I don’t want it to be another four months, I am going to get us to the counselor. There’s an 800 number for our insurance that he has to find, and then if he doesn’t call within the next few days I am going to.
I wrote my last post in a fit of frustration. I don’t think I would ever actually yell at him about sex, because that is one way of guaranteeing that I wouldn’t get any for a very long time. Thing is, I wish I could yell, because I get so frustrated that it’s hard to bite back angry words.
Maybe I was a little abrupt in laying back after getting him excited. It’s just that he’s always saying that he doesn’t realize that I’m trying to seduce him. I thought that was the clearest signal I could come up with, and later he said he didn’t know if that was a signal or not. I could have chewed glass at that point, but I was VERY NICE (for those of you worried about that).
So anyhow, if any of you are confused about when your wife wants to have sex, a handjob is a VERY GOOD CLUE. And if she lays back on the cushions with a sexy smile, and you don’t do a goddamned thing but sit there, you are totally out of touch with your wife’s feelings. She will probably be upset, and she will ask to speak to a counselor. And don’t be surprised by that either!
I also wanted to tell BadBadger that maybe he should think about counseling too. I know how hard it is to have conversations with your loved one about sex and not hurt them. You said she cries every time, and so does my husband. I feel bad about it, but I need to be satisfied.
Maybe my problem (and perhaps yours?) is the method of communication. Or perhaps there is an underlying problem – like my husband’s anger management problems or your girlfriend’s problems with your social life. I have no idea what is wrong and I really want to know, and I think you do too. So think about counseling, okay? I’m rooting for you.
And, nyctea scandiaca, I hear what you are saying. Believe me, there are times when I think he’s selfish and mean, and times when I want to get him really close to orgasm and just – tee hee! – remember that I need to go wash the dishes or something. But then I would be mean and selfish intentionally, when I don’t think his inattention is selfishly or meanly motivated. I think he just doesn’t think about it, intentionally or not.
Counselling! I’m British. We don’t do that kind of thing you know
No but seriously thanks for the nod but we’re really good atm. Some priorities change, we get older and a bit wiser.
… grief listen to me, I’m 34 and wanna be Yoda.
I know this doesn’t help with your particular issue though. I’m not a would be counsellor or anything but thought I’d share a couple of parallels with you.
p.s. I really don’t do the social thing anymore, finished uni couple of years ago.
No no no, what I’m saying is that whole uber-dramatic “gazing soulfully into each other’s eyes and whispering sweet nothings” thing is something we do if we’re trying to make each other laugh, it’s not something that makes sex sensual and intense–it’s just extremely silly to us anyway, and I’m not sure that’s the reaction the person who recommended it was going for. Silly sex is great, but if she tried something that she thought was going to get him instantly sensual and intimate, and he laughed, I imagine that’s not going to help her self-esteem or the situation at hand in any way at all.
), she just doesn’t use it. She knows anytime she wants sex, she can…
