Hypothetical situation here for guys here (but interested to also hear the women’s take on it as well)…suppose you had a relationship with a person, and it ended, then later you discovered she was pregnant. You also find out that she’s been seeing another person on the sly at the same time she was cozy with you. When you ask her if the baby is yours, she’s evasive and never comes out to say it is, or it isn’t. Instead, she hightales it to another state to live with family members.
Years go by, and Jerry Springer never calls you for his show, “I Have a Secret Daddy and Want Back Child Support”. Instead you hear absolutely nothing. You may think to yourself, “Well, if was mine, then surely she’d contact me for support.” or to establish paternity, or SOMETHING. But, no, there’s no contact.
So, what do you do? Just forget about it, and figure that sooner or later the kid (assuming she continued on with a pregnancy that bore a child) will show up on your doorstep? Do you hunt her down and take the chance to disrupt the life she’s created, on the off chance that your genetic material is alive and well in another human being?
For some reason, I already wondered about what I would do in such a case.
I would first try to know whether there’s any legal way to establish paternity, make a DNA test or whatnot…
Such a situation would bug me no end. I would probably hunt her down, or hire a private detective and hassle her until I get ANSWERS. I would most probably try to get in touch with the child, even if it means waiting until s/he’s an adult.
Tough situation. If I were a guy, I think I would try to get in touch with her or the kid (if the kid is an adult now). There’s not much to lose. She might tell you to stay away, but then at least you have some closure.
But how is a guy supposed to get in touch with a kid (or adult child) when he hasn’t a clue what that child’s (or adult’s) name might be?
For example, Amanda Blue has sex with John White and Chris Red. Amanda gives birth to Xylene, and refuses to name a father for the birth certificate. So Xylene Blue is unknown to both Mr. White and Mr. Red. Or how would Mr. White know to look for Babygirl Blue? Likewise for Mr. Red?
And suppose in the meantime, Ms Amanda Blue had married Mr. Periwinkle and changed her name. I see no way (realistically) for either of the former sexual partners to find and establish contact with either Amanda or the child.
Ok, I admit, that spiel was convoluted, but my point was, contact isn’t always a possibility.
To address the OP, I suppose it depends on how much it haunts you that your progeny may be running around in the world. Most guys I’ve known, it doesn’t seem to bother them much. Some, it does haunt.
As a past foster parent my advice is to leave it go. Nine times out of ten you will be messing up the lives of many people. I understand that it may bug you, but you should be happy with knowing that they have a feeling of belonging that you cannot do anything with but fuck up. Enough said?
I understand what you’re saying, kinz, but what if that child doesn’t even know the father exists? I’ve been around and heard of stories all the time where the child is told the absent parent is dead, or doesn’t want them (the child), or any other number of things. What if that child WAS in foster care, and the absent parent had no clue and could provide a home for that child? Doesn’t that absent parent at least have the right, the responsibility, to find that child (or do the best to find the child) and have the chance to be a parent?
On the other hand, what if the mother has married, and now Daddy is the new husband, but the kid thinks that Daddy is actually his/her father? Would it make a difference if there currently wasn’t a Daddy in the picture?
How does the potential parent get through something like this, thinking, suspecting that he may be a parent? Think it would chance if he knew chance were good that he would never have “another” child? Should he wait until the kid is older, say 18? Or begin whatever he can do to find the kid early on?