Seeking Advice. Ex Being an ass, I think. Probably to Mundane for IMHO

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

But mods feel free to move if you think otherwise.

So I have a situation and I am not quite sure what to do.

Over two months ago I wrote a pit thread about my ex husband and his lack of paying child support and his attitude about it. Here is the post if you want to read it.

After the heated phone call and after I wrote that thread he sent me a short email that had nothing to do with child support. It was basically a short “Hey whats up?” thing. I responded with a long email about a bunch of past shit that I guess I just wanted to get off my chest.

He responded by email then I responded by email and basically told him at this point I was done speaking with him. That I would let the child support agency do what it does best and I was not going to deal with him.

He sent me another short email after that and I never responded. I was serious that I was done conversing with him.

Since then I have not spoken to him or gotten anymore emails. I also received his stimulus check for back support. I was surprised they took both his refund and the stimulus check. How he even got a $600 check as a single person filer is beyond me but that is not my problem. Even with both checks he is still in the arrears. He has not sent any money in on his own since March. He thinks that since they took the two checks he is off the hook for awhile.

So yesterday I get a package from him. Inside was a Kimba the White Lion DVD. WTF? No letter, no note just the DVD. I do remember 100 years ago when we were married that I mentioned that I must have been the only kid to watch that show. Most people born around the same time as me never even heard of it. It was not a big thing. It was no major conversation. It was not like I dreamed of watching it again. I don’t go out of my way to watch cartoons. If I happen to flip a channel and seen an old Flintstones on or Scooby I might sit for a while and watch just for old time sake but I would never buy them on DVD or get cable just so I can watch them, it just not my sort of thing, never has been.

At this point I want to just ignore it. Pretend he never sent it. I am sure he is expecting me to call or email. Maybe this is his way of breaking the ice. I think it sucks. What I really want to do is simply send it back with no note or maybe include a note that says “Thanks, but can I have the money you paid for this in child support instead!”

I feel I am being stubborn at this point but I also feel like he is trying to push the whole thing under the rug like he has done so many times in the past. I let so much crap slide by for so many years because of the children. The children are now 19 and 17 and I just don’t feel like letting him get away with this sort of attitude anymore. He has even told our daughter that he can not wait until she is 18 so he will not have to pay support anymore, not that he is paying anyway. If they had not taken his refund and stimulus I would have gotten nothing since March.

I have felt free these last two months that I did not have to speak with him again then he pulls this stunt. I feel this is his way of trying to smooth things over but to be honest I don’t want them smoothed over. I just want to go on with my life and not even deal with it.

Our daughter will be 18 in October. She knows her dad has paid no support and he told her on several occasions he would send something and never has. I think she is old enough to see him for he really is with no comments from me about it.

I feel torn. Should I let this go and just thank him for the DVD and drop it? I don’t feel thankful at all. Should I just ignore it as though it was never sent? Send it back with no note? With a note? Am I wrong for feeling so pissed about this stupid DVD?

2

You know the answer.

You’ve had a couple of decades of experience with this guy. Do you think this is more of the same, or do you think this is his way of trying to needle you?

If you don’t want to respond or acknowledge the gift, don’t. It seems you were happier when you don’t have to deal with him. It sounds like he owes his children more than you owes him…let it go.

3

Personally, I think he serves at least a few props (well, one prop) for thinking of you at all. If he’s like most guys, he thinks about you a lot less than you think about him.

Sending a thank-you note is a good way to stay at the forefront of his brain. He might even remember you when it comes time to pay next month. But heck, what do I know? Ignoring him hasn’t worked, and reminding him hasn’t worked, so it’s gotta be worth a try.

4

Off your main topic but just an FYI; $600 was the standard baseline stimulus for single filers. $1200 for couples, plus $300 per child. (with variance for some income levels but that was the basic package)

5

Personally I’d send it back with a “where’s my money?” note.

It sounds like a lose lose situation. You don’t want to be in contact with the guy, but being in contact might help resolve the money issue.

6

Dear Ex-Moron,

I want to thank you for the DVD you sent me. I was able to sell it on EBay for $15.00. I have reduced the arrears you owe for child support by that amount. As of today, you still owe $xxxx.xx.

Sincerely,
SomeUserName

7

A few questions: Is he employed? Is he having financial problems? Is he not sending child support just to be an ass or because he is having financial problems?

Does he have visitation with the kids?

My initial reaction comes from the other side: my boyfriend is a father and his ex-wife treats him like a bank and not like a human being. He always faithfully paid his child support until recently when he was laid off and could not send child support for a couple of months. All hell broke loose. His ex-wife does not work and she is way too dependent on the child support, so when he suddenly became unemployed, she freaked out. No sympathy for a man who just lost his job; she just screamed and shouted about where is her money!!??!! Then she proceeded to withhold visitation, and told the kids he was not sending the money, and that’s why they can’t do any activities, and what a bad father he is.

When your daughter turns 18, is she going to immediately move out or get a job? If not, how will you support her if money is so tight without your ex’s child support?

Also if you got the state involved, why aren’t they garnishing his paychecks and just sending you the money? Why are you still dealing with him?

8

You’ve proven your point.

9

Nice! That had me cracking up. Sums it up about right.

Is not employed on the books.

He lost his job in April of 2007. He was an unemployement from May of 2007 to December of 2007. During that time I got child support from his unemployment. That stopped in December.

I contacted him in February and he sent me $100. I contacted him in March. Again he sent a $100. The amount set up by child support was $308 a month. I was not complaining or bitching. I was happy to get something.

Then towards the end of April I contacted him. He told me that he got a letter they were taking his entire refund for pasted due support. I told him that was swell but that is for back support he failed to pay. He told me to fuck off and hung up on me.

That is what I posted about in the pit thread.

Our son is 19 so that is not an issue. I am not sure if he talks to his dad or not but my best guess is not very often.

Our daughter is 17 soon to be 18 in October. The visitation is still set the same as it was from day one, every other weekend, but they see each other about once every two months. She usually calls him and she visits for a day and they go to the movies and lunch. She has not stayed over his house for night or a weekend in a very long time.

I never yelled or screamed when I did call. I simply asked if he was going to send me any child support this month. He told me to Fuck off because he was pissed they were taking his tax refund. I am not in the least sorry they did. If he had been making a better effort I might have even felt sorry for him.

Since he has been off unemployment he has not found another job and to be honest I don’t think he is trying to hard. He works for a comic book store part time under the table and he has a renter that lives with him that buys all the food so he eats and the renter is helping pay the mortgage.

She already has a part time job. She pays for all her own clothes and hair/makeup etc. She just bought a car with money she saved. She also pays for her own cell phone as well as some of the car insurance. She is going to take the GED test very soon a year before her graduating class.

I do not see her moving out at 18 since she is only working part time. I may ask her to pay at least one house bill when she hits 18 but I have not decided about that yet.

I have been a divorced working mom for 17 years. Money has always been tight. It is not something new to me. It just gets tighter with no help from their father. $300 a month may not seem like a lot but when you are getting it and then it is just gone it hits hard.

It nots like a week or a month has gone by it has been months and even the two payments I did get were $100 less. Even with the refund and the check that just helped catch up. I did not go on a shopping spree, I paid bills.

He is not working on the books and I have no way to prove it. I could call child support and tell them I think he is working there and I think he is getting paid under the table. I don’t know what they would do other than to maybe send the owner a letter that he can turn back and say he is not working there. He is friends with the owner.

He is in the same boat he was in February and March and he was able to pay at least $100 a month. But since they snagged his checks he thinks he can sail awhile. And with no income to report next year their will be no refund to snatch.

10

I would do this or put a note in saying “Thanks for the dvd that was thoughtful but you forgot to put the child support money in the box too.”

That way he knows you are keeping the dvd and you are also not accepting the dvd as any sort of substitute for the money or as any kind of bribe to try to get back on good terms with you so that you will stop bugging him for the money.

11

Male here. One with manipulation/bribery issues.

I think you’re spot on to be pissed at him for the DVD. It not only says, to me, that he thinks you can be bribed (for what I have no clue) but that you’re a cheap bribe, too. I’d love to go with MissTake’s suggestion, but I think it’s probably going to be perceived as escalation. (Not necessarily a bad thing, just be aware of that possibility if you go through with it.) I suspect that the smartest thing would be to simply never acknowledge the gift to him, and see if you can return it to a chain retailer for store credit or cash. (eBaying being something that would be likely to far more hassle than you might want to go through with this white [del]lion[/del] elephant.)

12

I say ignore it, do whatever you want with the DVD. You’ve already made your decision to let the state deal with him, I’m sure that was an informed and well-thought out choice and this doesn’t really seem like a reason to change that.

It might just be something he found in a discount bin anyhow.

13

I’ll bet that the state can send a letter to the store owner that spells out the severe penalties for avoiding paying FICA and other taxes by paying a salary to somebody under the table.

And that same letter could also mention that lying about such an arrangement is also a very serious crime.

The threat of jail time and serious financial penalties would, I’ll bet, trump “friendship.”

14

Aww, but that’s so sweet. I’ll bet you know deep down that he’s truly sorry about– ha, just kidding! Ignore it. Lost in the mail.

15

give the dvd to goodwill and continue ignoring him, my 2 cents

16

Ignore it. Do not reply.

Do whatever you want with the DVD - keep it, trash it, give it away.

You’re happier not dealing with him, even without the money, according to your earlier post. Responding would only be an invitation for more of his BS.

There’s nothing you can say that will make him pay, so why bother?

I would report the job to Child Services, though. Couldn’t hurt.

If you want to get mean, report them to the IRS. Do they still pay finder fees for that?

17

Wouldn’t it be fun to send a friend into the comic book store with a video camera. Have the friend dress in “Blues Brothers Gov’t Black” complete with glasses. Let him conspicuously film the ex going into the store and behind the counter for a few days. Then the friend can take out a note pad and jot some things down.

18

Say what you mean; mean what you say.

19

Thanks for the replies.

I think I will just ignore it. Our daughter saw it. I told her that her dad sent it and I was not sure why as there was no note. I am sure when he sees her again he will ask if I got it. She will tell him that I did so he will know his attempt at being slick did not work.

I was upset because as an ex-wife I always thought I have been more than fair. I never hounded him for extras. We always got along well enough to switch visit dates/weekends if things came up. I have given and bended so any times that after 17 years I am down right tired of it. I am not talking about the normal give and take either. I have went over and beyond.

I am happy not talking with him and even more happy that I know now I don’t have to at least sans some major emergency. I wish I could have done so years ago but with young kids that is not really an available choice sometimes.

I know to a certain extent this silence towards him makes my daughter a little upset but I think she is old enough now to deal. She seems to have a good relationship with him so that is much more important.

20

no response is the best response. he didn’t include a note. you sound like you have a good handle on dealing with him.

mostly i’m replying to let you know, i also saw the elusive kimba the white lion cartoon as a kidlet. i really enjoyed it. i got home from school around 3pm and kimba was on first with speed racer following.