Hi everyone! I split up with my husband this Spring - amicable, not a lot of heartache - and I think I have figured out my new dilemma: working on my career versus working on a new relationship(s).
Currently, I am a real estate agent, which to be truly successful, you need to spend a lot of time working. It’s not so much the time required, but the amount of mental energy and mindset work required. As you can imagine, this exact same set of mindset/energy is what comes into play with romantic relationships. I am discovering this because I am going steady with a guy who lives an hour away. Nice guy, has some baggage, not really a “go team” guy.
I am looking for advice, because all of the good thinking out there is geared toward 20-somethings, and I am 40 - I have two great kids, a lot of self awareness, etc. - so I haven’t really been able to find anything that applies to my life.
So, your thoughts? Don’t focus on the specific guy in this circumstance - it’s not true love, at least not yet, so that’s just a minor detail. I have always been a career driven/entrepreneurial person, but I have never really had the time/energy to really laser focus on my goals. Now is the perfect time, but because of my own baggage, I feel kinda worthless when I don’t have someone to love me. For some reason, my personal accomplishments feel a little hollow if someone isn’t there to high five me. I have enough money to live fine, but I know I can earn enough to live awesomely. And I know I can meet and exceed my career goals, and enjoy it, but it’s too hard to do when I’m texting a boy all day and thinking about him and spending nights at his place.
There are two big things to know about dating/relationships post-divorce:
Wait at least a year to begin dating (Yes, everyone has a story about finding true love sooner than that. I don’t care.)
Work. On. Your. Shit. The main reason you need at least a year is because you will, not may, WILL repeat relationship patterns and end up in the same boat. Take the time to figure out what’s in your baggage and take steps to clear it out.
Guys come and go. Work (ideally) consistently provides you with the means to put a roof over your head, three square meals a day, and savings for retirement.
Not sure how old your kids are, but if they are not out of the house yet, it seems to me that putting some guy that lives an hour away over the financial stability of you and yours doesn’t seem sensible.
So why is that a thing? I get it, but my baggage isn’t that extreme. I’ve had times in my life when I’ve been unattached, and life is just less fun. I don’t see a time when anyone could ever have zero baggage, and mine is pretty well sorted. I don’t see a great advantage in becoming totally self reliant on myself emotionally - I can easily deal with heartache and see the realities of a relationship clearly. The main reason I’ve only just split with my husband recently is due to financial and kid reasons.
Time’s a wastin, you know? I don’t require True Love, but a year without companionship, sex and snuggling? Just sounds lonely and unfulfilling to me, and I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be affectionate.
Kids are 20 and 12. And I’m not really in danger of any financial problems, just a danger of not reaching my goals of a cash purchase on my next home, buying an Audi, traveling four times a year kind of stuff. And the satisfaction and validation that comes with those things.
One could say I’m carrying more unresolved baggage about “potential” than baggage about romance and self-confidence…
Anything going on in your life aside from work, kids, and the Dope? Do you have hobbies or whatever which you pursue which cause you to meet the occasional interesting and possibly interested guy? If yes, continue, and as mentioned above, wait to see how things go. If not, then pick up some new hobbies, preferably ones that get you out of the house and doing something new and interesting.
If you can’t separate your own worth from the need to have someone love you, then IMHO your relationships are doomed. I think this is what MoonMoon may have been trying to say. (If not, sorry for putting words in his/her mouth.)
Taking a complete year off from having a relationship will give you time to to discover yourself and your own self-worth. If you derive all of your self-worth from someone else, then you are going to be tossed and turned by their whims, likes, dislikes, bad days, poor self-esteem, and whatever else they want to toss into the mix.
You like him: check.
He likes you: check.
Your kids are OK around him? (Oh Who am I kidding? Of Course Check! I have kids: everything passes the kid test or Screw That.)
I honestly feel under qualified. You two should date and dance and talk and love until dawn if you each are happy.
Hell, you each should be singing “Until the Night” by Billy Joel back at your car stereos on the way home from work each night. (Can’t post a link from my phone).
Live.
LOVE.
BE HAPPY!!!
Kiss like you’re starving.
Hug like you’re drowning.
And feel like you’ve been blind from birth and your eyes have been opened for the very first time…
Reality beats the Hell out of the Hallmark Channel, no matter how cute Lacey Chabert is.
posted from my shifty excuse for a phone while Geek Squad Cluster Fucks my Desktop PC
Take time periods only as a general guideline. I met the future wife #2 less than a year after splitting from wife #1, and things have gone much better this time around. I agree with the idea of figuring out what went wrong in the first marriage and what you need to work on to avoid the same mistakes, but I think that a lot of that effort can take place as the first marriage is breaking up, so that you’ve already started down a new road by the time you’ve actually split.
Also, re-evaluating whether your previous beliefs about your career ambition are still valid should also be a part of figuring out who the new you is. You might discover, for instance, that what you previously perceived as frustrated desire to throw yourself more deeply into your career was in fact just a search for a way to spend less time at home. With your home life no longer the drag that it used to be, you may not have the same need to escape into your work. Just a possibility.
I think you have a very unrealistic perception of yourself and your entire situation. Until you can settle down and become comfortable in your own skin I doubt anything will really go to well for you. You might get lucky and stuble on a guy who makes a great husband and provider but chances are you won’t and meanwhile your career is staying stagnant. I went through what you are going through right now. I put my nose the grindstone and went to work. I got laid here and there but stayed out of relationships for some time. If you are having trouble keeping your priorities in order you are not emotionally sound.
I’m going to go against the grain here. I don’t infer from your OP that you are being needy at all. And you certainly don’t strike me as someone with self esteem issues.
I think maybe the issue you’re struggling with is you feel you need to be a little less Grasshopper and a little more Ant.
To which I say: There are more important things in life than accumulating wealth. Life is short. At 40 years old, you deserve to enjoy yourself.
Yes, you should find the proper balance between work and play. And NO! You should never feel guilty when you DO play.
Learn how to pleasure yourself for the sex part and buy an electric blanket for the snuggle part. Find friends for the companionship and learn to be content with yourself.
Yes, and when she will be 65 and have assured her financial comfort, it will be ample time to seek a SO to share a room in the (upscale) nursing home.
Seriously, the OP isn’t living paycheck to paycheck, she’s well off. It’s not because she won’t concentrate on advancing her career that her kids will end up homeless and starving.
That said, her current relationship is seemingly only of convenience, in order to not feel alone. I doubt she should invest much in that.