Sell me your soul.

SELL ME YOUR SOUL[sub]*[/sub]

Too long has the market for souls been dominated by the Big Two: God and Satan. Since the dawn of time, these two entities have waged the eternal battle for human souls. I say NO MORE!!!. No longer should a person who wishes to sell their souls have to go to hell for all of eternity, or go through life sinless and wasting a Saturday or Sunday at worship. It is well beyond the time for somebody to step in and offer another option for those who are interested in selling their soul. Just as Coke/Pepsi has RC Cola; Just as McDonalds/Burger King has Wendy’s; Just as Miller and Budweiser has Coors; God and the Devil will now have to compete with me in the ever-elusive market for human souls. And, of late, it appears that both sides are resting on their laurels, and the market share is just ripe for the picking.

Now, keep in mind that the price paid for souls has dramatic tfluctuations in prices over the years:

Faustus wanted 24 years of magical powers and merry-making.

Charlie Daniels seems to think it takes a fiddle of gold.

For Homer, all it cost was a doughnut.

Dorian Grey wanted eternal youth.

Edith Evans wanted to win at cards

Robert Johnson wanted to be a famous bluesman.

Bart only needed $5.

The price I will pay for your soul will depend completely on the kind of shape your soul is in. For example, I recently obtained a Peace Corps volunteer whose soul was in prime condition, with nary a black mark on it, when he purchased a Hummer2. On the opposite side, I got the remnants of Bill Clinton’s soul for a hand job and a twinkie. So, prices may vary.

I’m very interested in purchasing your soul, so please, let me know what kind of shape it is in, and your current asking price. It’s about time somebody challenged God and Satan and offered you, the ever-important seller, more options.
[sub]Void where prohibited. Limited time offer. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Use only as directed. For recreational use only. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Other restrictions may apply.[/sub]

What the hell are you talking about?

Go get some sunshine on your face, or eat some sugar, or take a bath… something please!!!

Sorry, I’ve already run a telemarketing firm.

You gonna pay for shipping?

Can I get fries with that?

World peace, with diversity

$8.5 million. Never mind the fact that I don’t believe I or anyone else even has a soul. That’s my price. Bwaaaaahahahaha!!!

Item: One soul, good condition. Good patriot and scrupulously honest girlie, model of a 1950’s houswifey (most of the time). (Former punk rocker, but don’t let that fool ya! :D)

In exchange I want to be able to eat and drink anything I want without getting fat, and I want eternal life… on Earth.

Thank you.

Well, my soul already belongs to Someone, but I’ll sell you the $500 in my bank account for $3000.

Sell you my sole? I’d be happy to, but the fishing’s been mighty poor around here lately, and my last catch was

Oh. Never mind.

You need to prove that you can deliver. Get me laid. Then we’ll talk.

My soul looks okay on the outside, but inside is a shriveled, blackened core.

So how closely do you inspect these things?

Mine’s second hand.

mine needs food

You got tree fifty?

Hookers and firetrucks. What’s your address?

I think you know what I want in exchange for my soul.

I just don’t think I’m ready for this sort of commitment.

It’s not you, it’s me.


Former public defender. Current “Beltwat bandit” government contractor. Vote Republican much of the time.

I may have to pay YOU.

  • Rick

Damn, Amp beat me to it. I was going to ask tree fity for mine! What is the going rate for a spotless soul, anyway? How much should I deduct for venial and mortal sins? Is there some kind of spreadsheet you could send me so I could work out an asking price?

sometimes I think about things way too much.