Selling off the family jewels..., sorta

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A friend of mine had the “seed of his loins” removed from the equation, so to speak. I asked him after a few months as to how it was going. He sent me this in response.

It kills me every time I read it, so i felt compelled to share…

So you want to know about vasectomies.

Part One: The Procedure
You can’t see what they’re doing, so some of this I’m assuming based on the
way it felt.

  1. Upon entering the hospital, you must talk to at least ten
    receptionists/nurses. All of them know why you’re there and you can feel
    yourself being judged as “Vas-worthy”. While this may not be true in your
    particular case, I had the feeling that these women were thinking, “Why
    bother? You’re not getting any, anyway.”

  2. You are escorted by a nurse to a small room where you are instructed to
    disrobe and put on a paper nightgown with no back. It is the requirement of
    the nurse to walk in just as you’ve removed your underwear.

  3. Wearing the robe, you are pushed into the “procedure room” in a
    wheelchair. “Procedure Room” is a nice way of saying “Operating Room”. There
    are two nurses there to greet you.

  4. You are instructed to lay on the operating table, which is slightly
    cooler than ice. The sudden drop in temperature and your increasing
    apprehension cause your penis to shrink to the size it was when you were
    six. You hope the nurses leave the room before the “procedure” begins.

  5. The doctor walks in (a man, in my case), says hello to the nurses, lifts
    your robe, grabs your penis and says, “Hi. I’m Doctor Smith. How are you?”
    Since this man is holding the most important part of your body, it is wise
    to say, “Fine, thank you. How are you?”

  6. The doctor grabs a razor and shaves your balls. I would add something
    funny here, but there is nothing funny about it. When he’s done, he swabs an
    orange liquid onto your genitalia. The liquid is slightly cooler than the
    table and your penis actually pulls into your body. The nurses watch.

  7. The doctor grabs the tiny thing that used to be your manhood and tapes it
    to your belly. The nurses watch.

  8. The doctor takes a needle that is roughly the size of a softball bat from
    his tray. While holding it up, he says, “You might feel a little prick…”
    You should reply, “If that orange stuff wasn’t so cold, it wouldn’t be this
    little.”

  9. A strange numbing sensation invades your groin area. This is good, you
    think, because you don’t want to feel a thing. You will very soon realize
    that the anesthetic is only good for surface pain.

  10. For the next few minutes, you feel some tugging at your balls, but no
    real discomfort. The doctor then says, “You’re going to feel some pressure
    now.” and squeezes your left testicle with a pair of vise-grips. The
    involuntary intake of breath is the signal to the doctor that you are
    experiencing pain, so he begins to slowly pull your intestines from your
    body through the small incision he’s made in your scrotum. This lasts
    approximately three hours.

  11. The doctor then takes two bare wires and places them on your scrotum. He
    nods at the nurse, who plugs in the other end of this wire, sending shock
    waves to your brain and filling the room with the smell of burnt flesh.

  12. The pressure and electric shock finally stops and the doctor says, “That
    wasn’t so bad, was it?” Before you can reply that, yes it was indeed that
    bad, in fact, it was worse, he repeats steps 10 and 11 on your right
    testicle.

  13. When you’re all done, the doctor untapes your penis which falls
    painfully onto your balls. You understand why this is so good for birth
    control, because you will never use your penis for sex again.

The aftermath

  1. You are instructed not to do anything strenuous for the next few days.
    This is okay because you don’t feel like doing anything strenuous ever
    again.

  2. The doctor explains that you are not immediately sterile. In fact you
    will be fertile for the next 25 to 30 ejaculations. You calculate that this
    means you will be fertile for the rest of your life.

  3. At home, you sit in a chair, watch TV, nap, and drink beer. Your
    wife/significant other waits on you hand and foot. Your kids (if you have
    them) jump on you, causing you to scream like a little girl.

  4. The hair on your balls grows back. Only it’s not hair, it’s razor
    wire…SHARP razor wire. And it itches, but you can’t scratch because you’re
    wearing a jockstrap (provided by the hospital) and the part that itches is
    hugely sensitive to pain.

And that’s it. I’ll let you know how the sex is if I ever have sex again.

2

my

god

the horror

the horror.

3

That kills you? You find that funny? Man, you are sadistic… I couldn’t help but writhe while reading it.

4

…And, kegeling as you say the words, you reply “Hi, I’m Stuart, and I’m really, really scared!!!”

Ouch! I think I’d rather have them pulled off in an accident!

5

vertigo, thank you. Oh my Goddess, that was funny.

My husband had a vasectomy a little over a year ago, but it was done at a urologist’s office (who’s name, I swear I am not kidding, was Dr. Wang.). I asked him to give me details, but no dice (although he did tell me that the doctor actually showed him the little piece that they snipped–husband said he just about fainted).

I’ll show him this thread tomorrow, and see how much of it was true for him. My guess is that he won’t find it quite as humorous as I did, though…

6

My husband had it done too, and he told me that it really, really hurt badly for about a second. I was all set to feel sorry for him before I remembered the months of pregnancy, hours of natural childbirth, and days of learning how to breastfeed that I managed to live through. Twice.

I’m going to send this to him, though. I think it’s been long enough that he’ll get a chuckle out of it.

7

much obliged, ladies! I trust things have worked out on your end regardless…:slight_smile:

8

vertigo, I showed your post to my husband. The only difference between his experience and your friend’s was that he didn’t have quite as much contact with the nurses.

Oh, and the doctor didn’t shave his balls. My husband saw that and said “No, that didn’t happen. The doctor didn’t shave my balls.” I said “You’re right, he didn’t. I did, because the doctor said it would be easier if it was done before the surgery, remember?”

My husband thought for a moment, then said “I honestly don’t recall. But please, don’t tell me about it. I don’t know that I want to relive the memory of letting you near my testicles with a razor.”

Heh.

9

This is an Evil story…evil…evil…evil. If my wife even so much as mumbles the “V” Word (backgrounds of dum dee dum dum). I’ll pass out.

10

Ok, first: that was hysterical!

Second: Persephone, I had Mr. Mauv fixed last year and the doctor called me in after the procedure to give me aftercare instructions. Poor thing was just laying there naked from the waist down while the doctor and I were discussing what just happened. He showed me where the incisions were and the little bits that were snipped. Mr. Mauv wasn’t shaved and he had almost no pain after…he even wanted sex the next night but I wouldn’t let him because the doctor said to give it a few days.

11

Mauv: He actually wanted sex? Oy.

When we got my husband’s done, I was still on maternity leave from work (we were only supposed to have one kid. We ended up with two. Husband was much more willing to get this done after the “oops” kid). A few days after the surgery, he said to me “it’s a good thing you still can’t have sex, because for the first time in my life, I’m not thinking about it.”

The doctors say wait seven days before resuming sex for a reason, too. A friend of my husband’s had a vasectomy a few years ago. He and his wife only waited five days before “doing the do” again. He paid for it. The next day, he was swollen and very, very sore, and remained so for about another week–a week longer than he would have been if he’d listened to his doctor.

[PSA]
So guys, when the doctor says SEVEN DAYS, he means SEVEN. I know you’re all hot studly men, and it’s difficult for you to control your roiling manhood, but please–we don’t want you to hurt yourselves, okay?
[/PSA]

12

Oh yeah, he was actually thrilled that he not only wanted it but could have. He was a bit paranoid about that. I could only convince him to wait two days. He wasn’t sore or swollen at all, before or after, I made him do the icing thing the whole day and night after the procedure (20mins on/20mins off) and it seemed to do the trick.

TMI section of the post:

The only odd thing the first few times after was the stitches on his nuts would poke the inside of my thighs…it was a little like being stabbed by tiny staples on the downstroke. For some reason it really amused me, but I don’t think he found the laughing very conducive to the mood. :smiley: