Life’s been peachy for my SO and me for two and a half years now. We were buds in high school, but didn’t start dating until college. In the past we’ve weathered months of dating long-distance, and spent 11 straight days together on the Spring Break From Hell but still had a great time (Everything went wrong. Everything!). We fight, sure, but the only time it got really bad was during the 2000 elections (he voted Nader, I voted Gore) and even then we managed to put aside our snotty idealism in favor of the relationship…eventually anyway.
So what’s the problem, you ask? Gradu-frickin-ation, that’s my problem. In a year, I’m going to blow this popsicle stand and take off for parts unknown (hopefully) teaching math for two years with Teach for America. He’ll still have two years left on his degree.
The problem is what to do during this period. I want to take a break, see other people, “find myself” and all that crap, while he presumably does the same. The thought of this sends my SO into an utter state. I understand how he fears losing me, but I can’t stand the thought of what we might end up in otherwise. I have nightmare visions of twenty years from now, realizing I never really had a chance to be single, or worse, that I stayed in this relationship out of fear of the unknown. (Can ya tell my parents divorced when I was 16 'cause they married too young and had no idea what they were doing?)
It’s gotten to the point where he freaks about our future at least weekly. I don’t know if I can put up with that for an entire year. Of course, the Scandinavian stoicism we midwesterners are cursed with has left him almost entirely unable to discuss how he’s feeling about all this. I’m afraid he’s too emotionally dependant on me, and I don’t see any way out of this situation. Any advice or wisdom to lend? Thanks a million.
All I know is that I’ve never known anyone who left an SO to “explore” and “date other people” to come back and live happily ever after with their old SO. Things change when you’re out there.
But what the hell do I know? I haven’t had a girlfriend in years.
You have to suck it up and make a choice here: either end the relationship or don’t, but you can’t “take a break”. He dosen’t want to see other people, so from his point of view, you are asking him for permission to sleep around while he waits on you. It’s no good saying “well, he can, too” because that isn’t a coin he values.
It dosen’t sound to me (from your post) that you are really committed to this guy. That’s fine. You are both adults, you chose to be with him, and you are allowed to chose to be without him. That is not at all dishonest, immoral, or mean of you. However, you cannot even ask him to be your fallback position, to stay at school and wait so that if it turns out you made a mistake, you can come back home. And that is what you are asking.
‘Take a break’ is a silly euphemism for breaking up. If that’s what you want (and it sure sounds like it), then bite the bullet and break up with the man!
The worst thing you could do is lead him on. If you want to go and “explore” then just break it off. There will be no going back anyways. A nice clean break is way better than one that drags on gor a while. Besides, if you can stand him being with someone else and it does not bother you then it was not meant to be. Go have fun, and play the field. Just let him know that it is over, for good.
Basically, you’re telling him you want to break up with him a year from now. Because as others have already said, that’s what “taking a break” really means. If you’re not really sure you want to be in this relationship, to leave that hanging over his head for an entire year is hardly fair.
It’s fine if you’re not sure you are ready to settle down–at your age, that’s a perfectly appropriate place to be. But clearly, you and he have different ideas about how ready you are, and it probably would be best for both of you to break it off now, rather than torturing both him and yourself by waiting.
Thanks a lot, guys.
I knew you’d hold up the mirror and tell me the things I knew to be true but couldn’t admit to myself. You’ve been a ton of help. I may keep y’all posted.
Just to add a personal anecdote into the mix – I was in your position when I went off to graduate school. I hadn’t really dated anyone else, and couldn’t see myself married without ever experiencing other people, but also valued the relationship I was in. I couldn’t bring myself to dump her, and we did the long distance thing for six months, then she graduated and moved out to be with me. We broke up a few months after that.
Based on what you’ve said here, I think you will break up with this guy eventually, regardless of what you decide to do now. The very best thing you can do, for both of you, is to dump him now. Don’t waste his time, or yours. It’s too valuable.