I’m more of a lurker than a poster, but I really need some good advice right now so I’m looking for some of that Straight Dope relationship voodoo insight.
I’ve been with my BF for 4 years now. I moved from my home state to his to be with him and go back to school. He was in the military and deployed a lot during the first 3 years, and I’ve made most of my decisions during our relationship based on his circumstances and choices.
I’m not blaming him in any way. In fact, he’s said all along that he’s willing to compromise in the future to compensate for that, and that I shouldn’t do anything I’m not comfortable with. I guess I was the type of person who was willing to let other people guide my decisions, but I find myself becoming less like that with time. This past year has been really hard on us. We ended up moving yet again, and all of those old resentments and issues that I wasn’t acknowledging came to the surface.
But I didn’t mean for this to be a record of the relationship, so I guess my main points are -
I know I need to break up. I feel very resolved, like the entire year has been leading to this. I know I can’t be happy in this relationship in the long term.
He’s an incredibly nice person, probably the nicest person I’ve ever met. He’s always been there for me, and he’s someone I truly respect. But the chemistry is gone, if we ever had it at all. We don’t have anything in common. Lately it feels like we’re trying to desperately fill some void in our relationship. We’re both aware of this, and we’ve had many discussions about it.
My family and friends love him. I’ve made it a point to make it known how much I care and respect him, and now that’s coming back to bite me. I’m constantly getting comments like “Everyone fights. You’ll work it out,” or “You two have the best relationship I’ve ever seen.” I think they’re going to be pretty upset that I’m doing this.
We live together, and I’m in a state with no family or close friends I can count on. I’d move out, of course, but that might take 1-3 months. It’s a VERY small apartment in a high rent area.
I’ve been travelling back home a lot because of family issues and he recently asked me if I was cheating on him, so I guess he senses something.
And the catalyst,
I have a very good friend that I email weekly if not daily. I’ve never met this person, but I was in town visiting family at the same time he was in town so we met for some chinese. I really liked him. Too much. The person he was supposed to stay with flaked out on him, so I ended up offering him my aunt’s couch and we stayed up all night talking and making fun of infomercials. When he left we ended up hugging for way too long… I did the right thing and left it at that, but I don’t want the BF to think that this person was the cause of this. Really, that situation just showed me that it’s time to grow a pair and move on, but I’m aware of how bad it looks to everyone.
I get home on Saturday, and I’m waiting until I get back to talk to him. Given points 1-4, how do I do this kindly and not draw it out? I know I’m going to hurt him, but I’m not sure which approach will hurt him the least. How do I break up without having him think that it’s something he’s done or someone else? How do I keep my nerve and handle the living situation?
Damn, I’ve never done this before and it’s a lot scarier and more painful than I thought it would be. Mostly I just need to know that it’ll be ok
It’s going to be difficult for a while. But eventually it will be okay. Everyone goes through it.
He more than likely knows that something is coming, then. What you have with this person is a good friendship. Which is a great basis for a relationship, but if the chemistry and mutual interests aren’t there, then they’re not there.
Your family and friends are not the ones in this relationship. They are not the ones who have to be miserable in it. You are. Don’t let guilt trap you in a relationship that you know is over. They’ll get over it, and if they care about you they’ll find a way to understand.
Check your local paper for rooms for rent. Or decide if you’re going back home. These are things you should definitely decide prior to having the talk, as once you do have the breakup discussion the two of you should NOT share a space.
Pretty much what **Maureen ** said. The only thing I would add is, do get your ducks in a row first, but please don’t take a minute longer than necessary. Once you’ve made the decision, every moment you spend with him without telling him will make you feel like crap. And if he gets the feeling you’ve been planning this for a while, he’s going to feel played. Those things will poison your feelings toward each other much more than simply breaking up.
It will be hard, but it really will be okay, for both of you. Good luck!
Completely off-topic, I’m insanely jealous of your username. Why didn’t I think of that!?!
I agree with all the above. Don’t use him as a place to stay…get your own place. It’s not his problem that you moved to be with him…that was your decision and now it’s your decision to end the relationship and you shouldn’t use him as a crutch. Since you are already ‘out’ there looking in other places, whether intentional or not, it’s not fair to him to keep him dangling on a string. If he’s all that you say, he won’t just kick you to the curb he’ll make sure that you are set up to go. Both of you deserve to have a happy relationship, and it sounds like he won’t have any problems moving on after you cut the ties so don’t feel guilty that the chemistry is gone. Straightforward and honest is the best way to go. You’ll hurt him more by trying to candy coat the situation. He already has a good idea that things aren’t the way they should be and it may be that he’s just waiting on you to make the first move since you seem to feel that you’ve given up a lot more to be with him than he has to be with you. He already feels guilty. Men are actually smarter than we give them credit for.
Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
No need to be coy, Roy
Now listen to me!
Just hop on the bus, Gus
Don’t need to discuss much
Drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free~~From Paul Simon’s “50 ways to leave your lover”.
Maureen’s post was very good. Especially the point about having another living space lined up ahead of time. Once the break is made you gotta move on. Lliterally MOVE as quickly as possible.
Find a place to live asap, as in within a month. Once you secure it, wait til your BF is out and move your belongings out. Return so that you can make the break in person.* Stay as long as you both need, but it’s extremely uncomfortable to have to return for your stuff after a breakup.
The kind thing, of course, is to be honest with him and to not prolong his agony by giving him false hope. That’s why you should move your things out, so he gets that you are not kidding. Then wish him a wonderful life and leave him in peace to grieve. Other than that, there’s little you can do to minimize the hurt.
As far as the parents/friends go, it’s not their relationship. There is no rationalization for lack of chemistry. They have to respect your choice.
*I assume he has never shown any tendency toward violence.
I’m feeling a little less panicked about this now, so thanks for the responses. Maureen, I know you’re right and that I need to move out immediately, but my problem is that it would take me at least 2 weeks to save up the money to do so. I don’t think I can wait that long to have that talk with him, pretending that nothing is wrong before then. Should I stay on the couch for those 2 weeks having broken up (I really don’t want to do this), or stay here with my family and not fly back until I have the money saved up to move?
I don’t want to do the phone breakup thing either, and he’d want to know what was going on if I didn’t come back.
Diana, sorry 'bout that.
Ultress, ouch, but thanks. Possibly using him as a crutch is one of the main reasons I want to end this cleanly. He’s pretty intuitive, and even yesterday he called me then didn’t want to talk. I’m sure he senses it.
Like Maureen said, they’re not the ones in the relationship. You are.
But it’s still a good idea to try to help those close to you make sense of the breakup afterwards. The first thing to point out is that there’s a great deal of difference between how a relationship is on the inside and how it appears from the outside. A romantic and physical relationship is not the same animal as a friendship, and a relationship can look great from the outside if the friendship part is working fine, even if it’s toast as a romance. Tell them he IS a great guy, you ARE still friends, but it just wasn’t working as a romantic involvement. He’s a great guy, romantically, for some other woman. You’re not that woman, but that doesn’t reflect negatively on him.
of course, the ensuing crying and flow of emotions will make it shit, but if you just take the luimp now, the sooner you and he can both get on with your lives.
