Serious problem with my 21 year old son, his WOW addiction, and his lack of education

There are plenty of real life adventure stories that don’t involve amazingly successful workaholics or complicated concepts or once in a lifetime opportunities or superhuman abilities.

There are handful of caving and cave diving books, some real, some fiction that are quite gripping. And most of these involve “average” people doing exploring on weekends and long weekends or typical vacations. (PS, don’t even think of doing either without getting training from people who know how to do this stuff right).

Now, let me think of a few other “recreational” activities (skip to next paragraph when you get bored). Rock climbing, mountain climbing, hiking, deep sea fishing, boating and boat building, paddling/canoeing/kayaking, white water paddling, scuba diving, camping, astronomy and telescope building, rock collecting, fossil collecting, heck collecting of probably a thousand different things, water skiing, snow skiing or snowboarding, surfing, sail boarding, road tripping, hang gliding, glider gliding, flying small planes, building your own plane, gardening, car repair, car customizing, mountain biking, 4 wheeling/offroading, hunting (of many different types, competive shooting or archerry, making models of a dozen different things, woodworking, cooking and baking, homebrewing beer and wine, homebuilt robots, remote control planes and cars, motorcycle and “supped up go cart scale” racing, on foot racing, paddling racing, woodworking, glass blowing, pottery, sailing, kite surfing, fly fishing, volunteer firefighting, volunteer work with local Search and Rescue Units, volunteer with Civil Air Patrol, volunteer with Animal Rescue, helping biologists locate and document plants and animals of interest, home repair or improvement, painting, photography, videography, sky diving, skate boarding (hoverboarding is just around the corner), geneology and or historical research, helping with archeological digs, Meals on Wheels, Goodwill/Salvation Army/Hospital Volunteer work, trained dog competitions, triatholons, model rocketry and probably a good bit more.

Now take any of those real life activities. You can be pretty sure that there are books (and usually a BUNCH of em) about all those things that are designed to appeal to, be understandable to, and impart the wonder/magic/excitement/satisfaction that the activity brings to the beginner reader. There will also be numerous books on adventures big and small, some funny, some scary, some good and exciting as people engage in these activities. And of course plenty of how to books which will appeal the “engineering/hands on/how does it work?” types. Again, keep in mind many of these activities do not take large sums of money, that most of the people that do them are not geniuses or workaholics or rich or superhuman or hypercompetive assholes.

Instead these adventures are often experienced by normal people with 9 to 5 jobs, often a spouse and kids, who have found something other than WOW or other fantasy stuff to fill their weekends. It gets them out of the house, away from the often times IMO dreck of the internet and television and gaming world, get ems some exercise, stimulates the mind and senses in a way the dreck doesn’t, and usually involves socializing with other folks who are interesting, motivated, and often with a significantly different socio/economic/educational/occupational back ground than yourself which leads to mind expanding casual conversations.

And you never know what exciting thing will happen on any given weekend. Last weekend I got to paddle over a 4 foot alligator in 2 foot of crystal clear water. I could have reached out and touched him. Pretty damn neat.

Find something, anything, that sounds like it might be interesting and DO IT. If it doesn’t float your boat try something else.

This makes the most sense to me. In addition to diagnosing him should he have a mental illness that’s driving his behavior, a therapist might be able to coach him out if the rut he’s in and allow him to get to know himself.

If the kid was inclined to read, he’d already be a reader. Books–both fiction and nonfiction–aren’t going to do much for him except maybe encourage his hermit-like behavior. Isolation has contributed to his failure to launch. So has addiction. Both issues need to be dealt with.

In addition to therapy, the kid needs to be on a structured schedule. When he’s not working, he needs to either be taking a class (even if that class is in basket weaving), exercising, going to therapy, cleaning the house, doing yardwork, or volunteering. In sum, he needs to be moving at all times, not just vegging on the couch. If he doesn’t do these things, I’d take away his car and cell phone. He also needs to be out of his mother’s house. Put him in a new environment.

A point with some validity.

I guess I should make the point I was trying to make with my last post a bit more clear. There are plenty of books about real world activities/adventures. Maybe if he reads some of them and gets interested in them he might actually be motivated to go do them. He reads about some rockclimbing adventure that stirs some interest. Then he (or dad) finds a local rock climbing club. He/they go to a meeting, sounds interesting, and BTW its the clubs beginners intro/training day over at Awesome Rocks State Park next weekend. Hmmm, sounds good, lets go!

Reading about what wizzards and gizzards and whatnots do that never occurs in the real world? Sure, it may be exciting reading, but unless the kid becomes unhinged, he aint going out in the real world to go find that kind of excitement.

Yeah, its certainly possible that any reading may not appeal to him. Let me just throw this out there. I am by no means a recreational reader. But, if its about some hobby I am interested in, or might get interested in, I do enjoy some reading about it. And it motivates me to actually look into it in the real world.

I think the kid needs to establish some hobbies and interests first–other than Wow–before we start worrying about what kind of books he should be reading.

I think people have latched too much on the vocabulary issue. Yes, books can broaden one’s vocabulary, but so can high-brow television. TV could expose the kid to new exciting hobbies and careers as well. And yet the idea that astro’s son should be encouraged to watch TV would probably never cross our minds, right? Books would not be any more helpful, IMO. Best case scenario, all I’m seeing is the kid locked up his room again, except instead of being glued to a computer he’s glued to a book. A below-average vocab is the least of the kids worries.

The point of the types of books I’ve suggested is so that he will get interested in something real to do. I’m talking a handful of books about this or that. Not a new 80 hour a week hobby of reading about stuff to do.

If dad can drag his ass to activity X to see if he is interested at all without a book or two first, more power to him.

And yeah, some high/higher brow TV might not be a bad idea either. Not all TV is mind numbing dreck.

Dr. Phil had a show today about a kid living in the parents basement who, while not addicted to video games, showed absolutely no interest in anything and was regressing. For what it’s worth: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/138/ “Steps to independence: How to get your adult children living on their own”

The OP specifically wanted his son to develop his intellectual and language skills. I mentioned liberal arts because I am somewhat familiar with it. I know quite a few people in that field (including two current grad students in my immediate family) and yes, one or two of them are former slackers made good. I might have a wry affection for that crowd but nothing worse than that, and it’s unfair to say that I was trying to insult anyone. I don’t accuse people of being losers and I didn’t think that the other career options promoted in this thread were insults either.

Frankly, I think astro’s worry about his intellectual skills are misplaced. The far bigger worry here is that his kid is happy to live with Mom as long as Mom provides food, shelter and an internet connection. If he never reads James Joyce or learns about Utilitarianism - or what tenacious means, but can support himself independently by fixing a toilet, he’ll be a lot better off than if he can argue the impact of Marxism on the 20th century labor movement, but still lives in Mom’s basement.

Says the WoW addict! :smiley: J/K Oak(I haven’t been to the WoW discussion board for awhile).

I played WoW since the end of 2006 and stopped back in July. I would actually suggest playing with your son, or having him show you around the game and what he does in it. It will probably be extremely boring for you to watch, so maybe playing is a better option. WoW is a big game and there is a lot of different addicting aspects to it. Maybe he likes the crafting or gathering aspects of the game. Maybe he likes raiding (joining a group of adventurers to defeat a big boss which has the best gear). Once you find which part he likes and spends his time at, you’ll have a better understanding of what to substitute it with. My guess, since he’s up all night, is that he is into raiding. Raiding groups, a lot of the time, have schedules of what times/what areas they will be going to “raid”, usually at night when a lot of people are done with school/work/family obligations.

You can blindly throw all these other substitutions for WoW at him, but understanding what part of the game he is addicted to will help. Just because they play WoW doesn’t that someone will like fantasy novels, or LARPing.

P.S.
Don’t get addicted yourself! :wink:

Here is the SD WoW General Discussion Thread which, I think is safe to say, is by far the largest thread in the gaming boards.

That’s a great idea. If he’s into the social aspect of the game maybe you can get him to join some sort of group with lots of person to person interaction. If he’s into the raiding aspect, maybe he can start robbing liquor stores or something.

A couple of things:

First, I wouldn’t get too hung up on knowing the definition of “tenacious.” Many 21 year old guys don’t know what a lot of words mean. That’s the least of his problems. As far as reading material goes, I’d suggest magazines rather than books. Find something he’s interested in—fitness, cars, computers, whatever–and get him a subscription to a magazine about it. Maybe also get him Time magazine, so he’ll have a vague idea what’s going on in the wider world.

Secondly lots of children who’s parents go through brutal acrimonious divorces act out in self destructive and escapist ways. It isn’t surprising that your son is reacting in this way. It doesn’t stop when he turns 21. He might benefit from seeing a counselor/therapist to deal with his feelings. Also, while you can’t control your ex-wife’s actions, you should have an honest talk with him where you come clean and apologize for the way you behaved in the divorce. I’d bet a fair amount that if you think about it, you’ll find a lot of times where you behaved poorly.

My ex. Exactly. When we got together when he was 21, and when we broke up when he was 33. Of course it wasn’t WOW at the start, but WOW is just the current game, it’s not something particularly special or different.

If he genuinely wants to change, to get a life, that’s half the battle. The other half is replacing his addiction with other things. I also recommend some kind of counseling for him. Sounds trite, but he needs it. If nothing else, to help him find out who he is and what he genuinely wants from life. Otherwise he’ll just go back to the hit he’s getting from playing.

I wish you all the luck, and him too.

I probably should have inserted this tidbit into my initial response to this topic, and I haven’t read through the entire thread since then so somebody might have already pointed this out:

As far as I can tell, there are really only two ways that this entire issue is going to be resolved. Your son is either going to (a) slip so far down the rabbit hole that he’ll eventually hit rock bottom and subsequently find the inspiration to actually do something with himself (ie he’ll get the ambition to quit WoW, go to uni/trade school, or whatever ON HIS OWN), or (b) the cycle he is in now will perpetuate itself indefinitely and he’ll never get out of this childish rut that he’s in. Basically, he’ll just come to accept the whole enabler/receiver dynamic that he has with his mom as, y’know, his life, and that will continue for the rest of the forseeable future.

I honestly don’t know how much control you as his father can even exert over this whole situation, given what you’ve described. If he’s going to choose the former option, it’ll be because he’ll find out for himself how abysmal his life is and because he’ll want to change it; if he gets too comfortable, though, option (b) may end up coming true.

Playing the game myself is non-starter. He’s kind a big deal Warcraft-wise, and lots of people want him to join their raids. This is one of the reasons he finds it so hard to step away. People want him. He showed me a video once of a kid that defeated him, and the other player was so juiced up about it he put it on Youtube. The video was utterly incomprehensible.

That boys will give up girls for this baffles me.

There you have it. He’s attained a high degree of prestige in his small, virtual circle and to abandon it would, in some ways, be like re-setting his ego back to zero. He tried the game, became good at it and reached a point where others were awed at his abilities and became his friends (if that’s the term they use in WOW). A huge vocabulary and sterling grades aren’t requisites to be adored within the WOW community, so he naturally stopped pursuing them when he decided they were dispensable.

Now, the trick lies in convincing him that personal accomplishment and prestige can exist outside of computer games. And in convincing him to give up all or part of the esteem that he’s built up.

BTW, how were his grades before he became addicted? Did he ever show signs of learning disabilities or dyslexia? Very often, when an activity (like schoolwork) is difficult or unpleasant we simply stop doing it and channel our energies into more pleasurable ends, even if the ultimate consequences aren’t great. There are other issues/fears that he might be deliberately avoiding via WOW.

[Disclaimer: IANAPsychologist.]

He may be “kind of a big deal” but because of the nature of WoW, he’s a big fish in a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny pond. The total number of players on his server is a few thousand maybe 10K, and simultaneous players maybe 2-3K. Out of those, people who have heard of him number at most in 300-500. So - really, that’s not a “big deal”. Maybe if he could look at it from that perspective…

SCA was pretty much the final nail in the coffin of my online gaming problems. Granted, nobody in SCA is going to really try to “fix” him but it will open up tons of options for social interactions, learning a variety of interesting crafts and skills, regular meetsings/practice sessions/events.

Since getting into SCA about 18 months ago I have learned

Basic sword and sheild fighting

Basic armoring and sheet metal work

A variety of leatherworking techniques including cutting, shaping, dyeing, hardening, etc. With a focus on armoring, but I have also made several belts, pouches, and strapping for various tasks.

How to use a sewing machine

Have become a hell of a lot better at camping

Have dozens of new real life friends and aquaintances.

Had a hell of alot of fun in an environment with little if any digital anything.

Oh, and Increased my alcohol tolerance a bit. :smiley:

There is also alot of “oooh shiny” moments at least for me that mean either “need money so I better work” or lots of effort to manufacture said cool stuff alone. This is also stuff that no parent is going to easily “indulge” because so much of it is custom hand made items.

Very fun! What constitutes a lethal blow, though?

I talked with my friend, a WOW-playing psychiatrist who is also certified in addiction medicine. And he said the key principles (which I had already thought of) were that you don’t enable his behavior, and that you let him suffer his own consequences. And let him know you’ll help as best you can, keeping the first two principles in mind.