Absolutely, Beck. Do NOT sacrifice the rest of your family on the altar of one drug addict child. Nothing good will come of it.
And during the 10 weeks, if you need to have him removed from the house, get a restraining order and do it.
Good luck!
As if a person on an MB can add anything meaningful to that I will: You are doing the right thing - they are right.
He really isn’t living now & you and his brother aren’t either. It will be hard and there is no guarantee that you will have a happy ending to this. But we can pretty much guarentee that there certainly won’t be one if you continue to let him live rent free, feed him and let him do drugs.
I would worry about the addict more in the next 10 weeks as the clock winds down deciding to act out violently - as I expect that he will continue to escalate and act out in other ways as the clock winds down on the days of his room, board, emotional punching bag support addict paradise.
I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your life - you are taking the only possible steps to make sure that can happen
I haven’t seen anyone else mention it, but you may want to investigate the possibility of an involuntary commitment. In my state, there is a process by which you can ask a court to intervene, and the court can order the person committed for treatment. This is sometimes done in cases where there is reason to believe a person may be a danger to themselves, or others.
You may wish to check with a local lawyer to see if there’s something similar in your state.
Yes, there can be. But not soon.
When my brother was enslaved to various drugs for several decades, I treated him as though he were possessed by a demon. No, really, it was the only way I could find any peace at all, I had to decide that while he was in there somewhere to be talked to, this person was clearly not my brother.
I lived literally two doors away from him for much of that time and for parts of that time the only contact we had was that he would mow my lawn for me when I was away. I couldn’t let him in the house; the demon made him steal my stuff.
Sometimes I talked to him and told him I loved him and wanted him to come back.
Sometimes I told him that if I could help him he only had to make some sign but that I was not helping the demon in any way. All I wanted was for that thing to go away and let me have my brother back.
He is back now. He has had a very hard time of it but that thing has not come back. He is 43 years old and has had to start all over again, like a kid of twenty, because in so many ways he lost his 20s and 30s altogether. Since WhyNot mentioned it, Landmark has been an enormous source of support for him. But it would not have helped when he was possessed by the demon.
However, we are a cradle to grave kind of family. No door is closed forever and no journey is so far that return is impossible. Redemption our watchword. But you have to actually redeem yourself and your older son is not there yet.
There is a difference between loving somebody and letting them treat you like shit and your youngest son needs to know that 1) you can love somebody and 2) also not let them treat you like shit.
He also needs to learn that you cannot fix other people.
Alateen might help him very much.
I have no way of evaluating how dangerous your son is but if you’re afraid of him and he is bigger than you then there’s a problem. Your obligation is to the safety of yourself and your 16 year old son. If you specify a moving day then I would expect him to react more aggressively as that day approaches. That’s your cue to remove him.
Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to have him committed and a restraining order is a piece of paper that only sane people pay attention to. You have to think in terms of what it will take to ensure the safety of your family.
Have you thought about arranging for your 16 year old to live with someone in the district and moving unannounced?
spelling correction made
This strikes me as a very good idea. It is not unheard of for abusive people to escalate the abuse when they feel they are losing control of the people they think they are controlling. Do whatever it takes to keep everyone safe, even if it feels sneaky or unfair to your oldest son (nothing you do to him is truly unfair at this point, since all bets are off for normal family relations with someone acting like he’s acting).
Please tell me he doesn’t know your new address, because if he DOES, he may just follow you there.
So where and how does he get the meth? Is meth a big problem around your parts? Where does he get the money to buy it, from you? I have heard and read so many horrible things about the “meth epidemic” and yours is a perfect example of how bad it is.
Sounds to me like if he’s ever going to get better he’s going to have to hit rock bottom. People turn to self-destructive tendencies for various reasons. Mainly I feel it is from desperation and lack of hope. I can kind of relate, by my self-destructive tendencies tend to manifest themselves in turning away from the world into my own introverted tendencies. This is also not easy to escape. But luckily enough, I’m sober, so it’s easier for me to take stock. But for him it will be difficult.
But regardless, you’re only prolonging the process by making it easier for him. The sad news is he may never get better. If that’s the case then maybe you ought to try to reach out, but I’d wait at least a year. It’s really such a hard thing though. You can’t help him by continuing on the way you are, but it’s not guaranteed to work out if you leave him be either.
I would just gently add one thing - when I had to leave my abusvie first husband, it really helped our kids to learn the mantra “love the sinner, hate the sin”. I taught my kids that it ws good and proper to love their dad, but that they did not have to like his actions. I think that would help your younger son.
Good luck (((Becks)))
Don’t let him take you and the other son down with himself. Your other son hasn’t done anything that requires him to take shit on this. You haven’t done anything as far as I see to take shit on this. You owe the oldest son nothing. This doesn’t mean you don’t want to help, or feel anything inapropriate towards him. You do owe your minor son a safe home if you can provide it, and kicking the other son out is probly the only way you can do it. He has to change, and until he does he’s a big danger to you and the other son. Contact a local support group and seek help dealing with the nasty person the drugs have made your oldest son. You and the youngest son shouldn’t risk your lives, so that the oldest can keep doing his habit. Best wishes in this trial by fire.
Most addicts (in my experience, anyway) DO, in fact, get better. Tell him you love him but you have your life to live and a responsibility to your youngest kid. Stay in touch with him if you can; let him know every time you talk to him that you still care and still want to see him get into rehab. That doesn’t mean you have to enable his self-destructive behavior. Best of luck to you. I hope you all find the peace you deserve.
Seriously, Rebecca, get out NOW, before he realizes that this is for real. Or, at the very least, get your younger son out. Speed freaks can be extremely violent, and it sounds to me as if, given his total lack of hesitation to mentally abuse you, your elder son wouldn’t hesitate to hurt you or at the very least, steal everything salable in the house and sell it. Right now he apparently still believes that you can be manipulated. Worst case, let him think that he has succeeded until moving day, and then have your SO around armed. He could seriously hurt or kill you or your younger son long before the police could arrive to stop him, and in the meantime he could destroy or sell off virtually everything you own.
At this point, the person you are dealing with is not your son. He is a totally different person who happens to look a lot like your son and knows how to push your buttons. He is extremely dangerous to your property, yourself, and your younger son. He is quite likely also a danger to the neighborhood at large.
Someday you may get your son back. You also may not. My borther just lost his partner of two year, who had been addicted to heroin, but (as far as my brother could tell, and he was controlling things pretty strictly), was not using now. He didn’t directly die of a drug overdose, but his long years of abusing many drugs weakened his body so that he died in his mid-to-late twenties due to a highly serious case of bronchitis. J. had straightened out in many ways - he had a job, was doing well, had hugely improved relations with his family, but the damage had already been done. This was the second time my brother had been “widowed,” the first being when his lover of at least 15 years died of AIDS in the late '80s, and he is suffering terribly, especially since he was here with his original family (parents and siblings) rather than at home when it happened (he got the call on his cell phone on his way to the airport). At least the autopsy report eventually relieved him of the fear that J. had taken advantage of his four day absence to start using again and had OD’d. My point here is that even if your son straightens himself out (something you can never do for him), he’s not out of the woods entirely; there’s simply never a guarantee of a happy outcome.
Bad things can happen to really, really good people, and it’s terrible when they do. But life is not fair: it’s a crap shoot, and sooner or later the house will always win - hopefully painlessly after a long life. You have good reason to hope - your son is young, presumably fairly healthy, and may yet recover and live a long and prosperous life. Or he may get run over by a bus tomorrow.
One thing you can rest assured of; if he does recover from his addiction, he will not blame you for ‘deserting’ him. He will probably thank you. Because he will have become your son again, rather than some psychotic stranger living in your son’s body.
But in the meantime, please take every possible precaution - most importantly getting your younger son OUT of the house so that he will neither be hurt himself nor have to see you getting hurt.
I really hope everything works out for you (I have 3 brothers on drugs, but thank god they were on their own (well, one is married) when they started).
I hope I’m not repeating anything anyone else has come right out and said clearly, but if there is any way, can you leave 3 weeks early? From what you’ve said, it sounds like your son might do anything, out of spite, fear, etc., to sabotage you and your younger son in making this move.
Perhaps you can square it with your son’s school or something (finish by correspondence?).
I’m afraid for you what your older son might do though.
On review, something like exactly what Oy! just said.
Is there any way you could move and let you younger son stay with local friends to finish school? I agree that you can’t trust older son. In a past life, I used to be rather involved in the meth scene in Tucson, and I saw a lot of crazy people. My house was broken into and stuff stolen to pay for a friend’s drug debts. I had people in my driveway with guns. I had people who had been friends turn into strangers. If you can get away sooner, DO IT. I just don’t think that 10 weeks of planning time is a good thing to give your older son right now. He WILL find a way to use it to his advantage.
I would also check to with the school to see if you can pull your younger son out now and still have a complete transcript? Then have your husband show up unannounced and get moved ASAP.
Thing is, the restraining order, once it is put in place, will compel the law to act. If he violates it, the consequences will pretty much guarantee that he’ll be forced to comply.
Good luck, Rebecca.
I think Magiver is worried that the older son will do something permanent as his violation of the order, like maim or kill one or both of them.
I’m not trying to discourage getting a restraining order but it provides nothing in the way of protection when needed. Her son is living in a drug-induced state of paranoia and blames her for everything. A piece of paper with his name on it means nothing to him right now because he’s crazy.
If I’m distressed hearing about it I can imagine what Rebecca is going through. My suggestion to have the 16 year old relocated to another house for the remainder of the school year serves 2 purposes. It removes him from harm and it allows Rebecca to move immediately.
I think that’s the point that we are all trying to make, Rebecca - your house is on fire RIGHT NOW, and you don’t wait ten weeks to put out a fire. You’ve been living with the situation so you are used to it and maybe don’t see it the way we see it; we are scared for you and your younger son. This is nothing but a very, very bad situation.