Dear Doper Folks, I know I have harped in the past regarding my job, which is almost a non-issue now (10 weeks until I leave this job and this town!), but I have an even more pressing, serious, positively frightening issue to confront these days. I was hoping to get some advice, although I am so ashamed of this turn of events that I’ve never mentioned it before here, and none of my close friends know the extent of it. Please be honest with me, even if it’s painful, ok?
I have a 19-year-old son who is literally terrorizing me. He is admittedly taking every form of amphetamine he can get his hands on (illegally of course) and as a result, has a severe case of amphetamine-induced psychosis. He stopped seeing his counselor when he was diagnosed & was frankly told by the counselor that he MUST eliminate the drugs to eliminate the psychosis. He is completely, absolutely and without exception NOT going to stop his behaviors on his own, as he does not want to, in the slightest.
Living with him is unbearable. He goes on lengthy, incoherent rants that he is being watched by the FBI & other governmental enforcement folks. He stays up all night, or even for days on end with lights on, music blaring, or TV full-blast, then sleeps for days on end. He’s lost 2 jobs in the past two years, does not currently work, has not worked for 6 months, and will not seek employment. He blames me endlessly for the “genes” that are making him insane, and is in my face often (I work 3 jobs so I cannot be around as much as he’d like, to blame and accuse) about what a terrible job I have done raising him, which caused him to take amphetamines in the first place. He eats everything he can lay his hands on and then complains that I don’t stock the kitchen well enough for him (you would not believe my grocery bills, literally causing me to have had to take the 3rd job!). He smokes, and flies into deep rages if I don’t keep him supplied with tobacco (I buy it in bulk bags and buy him filtered cigarette tubes to make his own). But even this is not the worst:
I have a younger son, who will be 16 in April. This child has been through an emotional upheaval in trying to deal with his brother, and his poor soul is wrung with pity and fear for his brother. MOSTLY they get along great, but only because young son makes every attempt to keep the peace. Young son has no addictions, but I do know in my heart every moment of the day that he suffers greatly from his brother’s illness, and it is a priority for me to get him out of the house as often as possible, and very soon, permanently. I am far more concerned about young son’s health than I am about myself, or older son.
So—young son and I are moving in May. Older son is ONLY invited on the condition that he checks himself into a treatment facility and goes thru their program prior to being allowed to live with us again, and this is as much the wish of my SO (with whom we are moving in) as it is my wish. Older son steadfastly refuses and accuses me of abandonment (tho he is fully an adult, his illness is MY fault, so I am abandoning him in his illness and addiction–his view, of course).
We are 10 weeks out from the move. Everything is in place except older son, who is continuing his abberant and abusive behaviors, thinking that I wouldn’t REALLY leave him behind. Everyone I speak to in a professional capacity about this (my doctor, health professionals, Al-Anon, National Drug Hotline, two lawyers) has advised me to leave him to fend for himself, even if it means the streets (he owns a car, an old vehicle but in great shape, and he may end up living in that, tho that sickens me). Anything else is “enabling”, and will not help him overcome, in the slightest.
I have agreed to stick to my guns about treatment and leave him. I believe he must reach rock bottom before he will even think about climbing out. I know I do him no good to provide him with food, tobacco and a place to act upon all his addictions. But mostly I know that I am not going to subject young son to this for any longer than I have to.
But it HURTS. It hurts my younger son too, he is anxious about what will happen to his older brother, tho he understands the reasoning and clearly sees why this decision had to be made. He lashes out at me on occasion for it, however, but I don’t take it too personally, except to feel awful that I have put him in the situation to have to feel anger.
How in hell do I ever reconcile this with my own emotions & my younger son’s feelings and break even?
Can this parent-sons-brothers relationship be SAVED?
Is leaving older son behind the best I can do under the circumstances? He is borderline violent about being taken to task for his addiction, and I cannot DRAG him to treatment myself as he is larger than me all around. I AM heartily sick of the abuse from him as well, & while I understand why it is happening, it is just dismaying to me to live with it.
Thanks for listening,
Beck